7 Arabs at the Gym

Can an Arab really get to the gym? Sure, but it might kill him
Arabs do not monkey around with their time, they do not do stuff for fun if grandma cannot make sense of it. Time is precious, the only time Arabs do not watch the clock is if they are a guest at someones house who they don’t like of if they are smoking hookah. So gym doesn’t fit in that narrative.

I present the Arabs at the gym edition:

1. My Mom’s Mansaf Is To Die For- Cannot apologize for that, most people eat once at my mother’s table and they enjoy it, I cannot maintain my weight and continue to please my mother by consuming her dishes. This is like going for confession, it’s not about being fit, but rather minimizing the damage.
2. My Mother In Law HATES Me- You are good looking, but your husband makes a lot of money. For that his mother thinks you should suffer at her hands. She often comments on your weight and health. An hour at the gym would shut her up. Note to self--”Why Can’t Bashar’s thugs get to my mother in law?”
3. The Honeys Won’t Come- I have a stable job, my hair is still intact, and my teeth are in their designated places, but still, I do not seem to attract the ladies. Lose that belly and brush often--now repeat. The gym would another good excuse to shower, rinse and get rid of that chronic garlic body odor.
4. My Doctor Told Me, I Will Die- My Doctor is very persuasive, given my family history, there is no way around it. I need to get healthy or Diabetes type 1 will soon find me. This is also a great excuse to go crazy on all those sports drinks. Sugar free ones of course. Plus, I got a really good deal on my gym membership.
5. Gay in Denial- There’s not better excuse to wear those tights than “I was at the gym.” No one will point fingers, and you can have so many pictures showing off your body. Plus, the locker room is like a buffet of muscular dudes in the nudes--i guess that dirty blond will go home alone...exercising at the gym to Haifa Wahbe and Elissa songs can do that to you.
6. Vertically Challenged- The genes game is a bitch. Short Arab’s try to correct nature, but expanding horizontally. Never cardio, always free weights, and really long shorts. They secretly fantasies about beating up the tallest guy in the gym. Those make one of the most loyal demographics for the gym.
7. Me, And My Cousin Special- We don’t go to clubs and bars, because they are HARAM! But it says nowhere not to go to gym to meet the future Mrs. Ahmad. If we get buff it’s a plus, and this is like a fashion show and my mom will never guess why I’m here. Plus, I can sports those Palestine and Lebanon t-shirts. They tend to be loud and obnoxious which annoys everyone else at the gym especially that reading lady on the bike

Continue Reading...

18 Signs of Arabic Weddings

1. Your DJ/Singer is also your Limo driver
2. Everyone on the invite list has creative ways of describing how they relate to you.
3. If they are your offspring, then they are fit–everyone one else is either fat or too thin.
4. How come all the cloth napkins end up on the dance floor?
5. There can be only one black guy, two Latinas and no Asians.
6. The only time all Arab men in a 20-mile radius have no five o’clock shadow.
7. The groom can never be the best-dressed man–all other men try to outshine him.
8. Arab weddings and nuts go hand in hand. They are your main dish, your dessert and seated to your right.
9. Everyone finds something to complain about to the bride and the groom during the wedding. No, they do not want to hear about your fad diet.
10. No tents at this wedding; a UNRWA tent is where my family lived before they found their way to America.
11. Everyone is a fortuneteller.
12. Debt is no reason not to have a 10 tier cake that will be cut with a 4 ft. knife, also commonly referred to as a ‘sword’.
13. Americans have Halloween to channel their inner whores, we get Arab weddings.
14. Forget Arab lounge dot com–spice up your profile at these events.
15. Girls have all the fun and guys just stand there looking like they were just handed a detonator for an atomic bomb. Although it’s fun to mention how Arab guys do that dance with the hands up, snapping fingers and then cornering a girl in the middle of the dance floor
16. Everyone asking for free professional advice. If you are a lawyer, then other guests ask you about immigration. “Doctor, can I show you my rash?” Dentist? They’ll all show you their cavities. Gynecologist? The bathroom is that way. Just make sure the hedges are trimmed
17. No need for a smoke machine, just ask everyone to please Bring Your Own Hookah (BYOH).
18. No one fornicates, instead interested parties send their mommies to audit your body at an awfully close range.

[Tarboush Tip: Sana, Kellee]

Continue Reading...

12 Must Haves for Hipsters

Hipsters are having the time of their lives this year, from the streets of Cairo, the Suburbs of Tunisia, the Squares of Madrid to Occupy Wall Street protestors. It seems the world is having a hipster outbreak of great proportions. It seems to me that hipsters of the world have more than rage at bankers and politicians in common:

1. A French Press, that's right, hipsters think they will save the world one French Press at a time. Fair Trade Coffee, if you have the French Press, you would need the coffee, here is where the fair trade people come in to sell you a feel good coffee, where you can brag about how awesome you are, thinking about those poor farmers. Making your own coffee sort of earns you the right to condemn "Corporate culture."
2. Organic Tea and Pabst Blue ribbon bear-- not together. Hipsters might not be big on coffee that's where this comes in. Hipsters spend big bucks on their boutique tea with exotic flavors. Tea infuser is another devise hipsters flaunt in their kitchens.
3. Skinny Jeans seems to be the national uniform of hipsters wherever you go. Nothing screams louder that you are a hipster as much as those skinny jeans. Go ahead and tell me how much you paid for them, no I won't be surprised. Messenger bags that come with a really long story.
4. Slow food, organic food and farmers market, just a reminder that hipsters are hated by everyone including themselves. Anything labeled and marketed as made in small batches. Now, we are like to eat healthy, but we like to do it on our own terms. A farmers market brings out all those hidden hipsters in your town, like that little honey that brings in the bear. Next time you want to brag about your involvement with community sustained farming, make sure I give a damn. Grass fed beef sounds nice, I have to admit.
5. Your reusable shopping bag just makes me want to throw up.
6. Fixie bike and start acting like some kind of the chosen one as if God gave you this lane. They expect the world to be peaceful, try and cut them and unleash some "peace."
7. Your collection of independent movies is kind of nice until you open your mouth and start making political statements, I lose interest in both your movies and your naturally low IQ.
8. What the hell is an Earth friendly sole? How dare you speak on the behalf of the entire earth? It's good to know that you bought a pair of Tom's shoes so that a kid in Africa can have shoes too, but why do you need to announce it to the world?
9. The whole T-shirt, ribbons, and wrist bands activism is getting old, no one cares about what worthy cause you support now. And do not think of sending me a Facebook invite to join a cause either.
10. Fair trade diamonds. It's great that you saw that Leonardo DiCaprio movie about diamonds, but do not drive your spouse insane about your unreasonable demands. But now to think about it, if you found someone who would marry you with all your creepy activism, they deserve you. Thanks goodness, most hipsters are too poor to purchase diamonds.
11. A subscription to Netflix with at least 4 documentaries in your queue, a Hulu subscription where you catch the latest episode of your all-time favorite show Modern Family/Mad Men since you are too broke to have a cable.
12. Vintage photos and pictures of some old ethnic guy smoking a hookah, a pipe or drinking that south American mate.

Bonus underground music made by people wearing skinny jeans and look like they don't care.

Thrift Shops, if you build them, they will come.

Hat Tip: Joseph Abushawish

Continue Reading...

7 Arabs Wary of Palestinians

You can hate the game, but not the player. While the majority of Arabs support the Palestinian cause and want to see it resolved, there are those Arabs who do not have warm feelings toward Palestinians. Despite this, along with the Arabic language, the Palestinian cause unites most people of Arab descent. Nevertheless, there are groups of Arabs that will forever remain wary of Palestinians. Here they are:

1. The 1975 to 1990 Lebanese: civil war is an ugly business and in Lebanon, the Palestinians are the everlasting punching bag. Now, I’m not saying that some Palestinians didn’t play a divisive role in Lebanon’s civil war, but the Palestinians are definitely Lebanon’s scapegoat. Unfortunately, this will never change until Lebanon’s Palestinian refugees are allowed to either return to Palestine or are given the ability to live dignified, productive, and free lives in Lebanon.
2. The 1990 Kuwaitis: now, I don’t know what the Palestinian leadership was thinking when they supported Saddam Hussein’s invasion of Kuwait. Supporting an occupation or being silent when you see one happening – especially when you have been placed under occupation yourself – won’t help endear anyone to your cause. Despite repeated apologies and a number of initiatives, some Kuwaitis will always remain skeptical of Palestinians.
3. The 1970 Indigenous Jordanians (bedouins): remember when Palestinian militants harassed Jordan’s young king and shook his (corrupt) regime to its core? King Hussein took no prisoners and bombed the hell out of Palestinian refugee camps. Until this day, grudges still exist. It does not help that the Palestinians in Jordan have a superior soccer team that, more often than not, defeats those dirty bedouins.
4. The Naive Arab: he (or she) watches their country’s state-sponsored news and truly believe that their respective despot is doing all he (never she) can to free Palestine, feed the hungry, protect the refugees, and heal the sick (they also walk on water, too!). In reality, all these despots do is talk (sometimes out of their mouths, but mostly from their asses). Yet, these naive Arabs refuse to see their dictators in a negative light, and look forward to the day that they liberate Palestine.
5. The Paranoid Egyptians: now, these people are hilarious. they have no clue of the social and tribal makeups of the areas bordering Palestine, and get freaked out by news of smuggling activities, weapons and drugs tunnels. There are even people in Egypt who believe Hamas is the one closing the Rafah crossing, not the other way around. They tend not to mind that their sworn enemy enters their land with no visa, and would rather look down on those “dirty Gazans.” Of course some of their fears are rational, but paranoia is never helpful.
6. Other Arab Expats: they live around the world alongside many Palestinians, and they envy the Palestinian expats for their success despite all odds. Sure, some Palestinian immigrants can hardly be considered saints, but they are hard workers. These jealous Arabs like to mumble about an existential “affirmative action” policy for Palestinians, and they also believe in some magical “Palestine Card” that exists to prevent Palestinians from being deported (how can you deport someone that doesn’t have a country of origin?). As my grandpa used to tell me, “if the poor takes a large shit, the people would want to know what he had for dinner.”
7. The “Me” First: you know those suit-wearing and soft-spoken Arabs, the ones you find in Palestine and countries bordering historic Palestine. They’re running governments under the banner, “Palestine is complicated, but hey, you can enjoy Mc burgers and fries if you wanna…” They are loved in the West, and they lead their political lives by the motto: let’s dance until the music stops. They cannot stand all the tragic news form the Palestinian territories so they try to make it into the news by making the world’s biggest kabob, bowl of Humus, Flag…etc. This policy is often in place to help cover up for the traitors and uncle toms running the country and opening up casinos for “tourists”. They mistakenly think running countries is like running brothels, something they are very familiar with.

[Tarboush Tip: Andrew]

Continue Reading...

10 Reasons Real Conservatives Should Love Reel Arabs

1. We are as homophobic as you probably are. AIDS does not quite register with us, either.
2. We love big guns and hunting. Different targets, but we agree on the principle
3. We are all about religion. BTW, we are also cool with Jesus (even thought he likes to save, we like to trade)
4. Just like you, we hate freedom of speech, especially when they mock religion. Art is just a waste of time.
5. We constantly shout in a language no one can understand--kinda of like a Republican caucus.
6. Abortion is not an option. We hate it, too, because the world can always accommodate one more miserable soul.
7. Climate Change? sounds like Junk science to me. Say what? Pray away those things bothering us.
8. Political parties and key governmental posts are a text book example for sausage-fests.
9. Speaking a foreign language? We think Arabic is the center of the world, sure you feel the same way about your English.
10. We reject science and like to do it the old way - love to lament the good old and glory days and misinterpret the history.
11. We also say that we love minorities, but talk is cheap.
12. We absolutely hate paying taxes and love gold. (good place for a “we buy gold” joke?)
13. Working Women? What’s this? Maybe you’ll ask me about unicorns next!
14. Like you, we want it both ways - government get out of my private life and go arrest that queer having sex in private.
15. Drill Baby Drill? You have practically left no spot place at home without drilling it a hole in it. While on the subject of drilling, we talk smack about porn in public, but in private all bets are off.

Continue Reading...

6 Types of Arab Mother in Law

• 
  

Vanilla Ice Pose, baby.

Poking fun of mother in Laws never goes out of style, they are like special species that we all try to decode and analyze. While I genuinely love my mother in law–she is a doll. I feel that the number one factor Arab females take into consideration is how they get along with the Hamatti, Arabic for that person from hell. From what I hear and see in Syrian soap operas, it seems that Syrian mother in laws are a different breed, so in their honor here is the six types of Arab Mother in Laws the universe have blessed us with.

1. The Auditor: She is not a bad mother-in-law, she just doesn’t know any better. She lives down the street and appears when you least expect it (like when you’re playing “backgammon” with your husband). She shows up with stuff that your kids threw away and gives you a lecture about it: “In the old country, this would never be OK!” Although she’s definitely your best choice for a babysitter, you shouldn’t let her get too close to your daily routine. The Auditor can never sit still, and she will always find a way to criticize your clothing, cooking, and the way you choose to raise your children – pardon me, her grandchildren. To survive this one, play chicken with her, she may give up.
2. The Friend: She is just grateful that you put away her childish son, the one that gave her a hard time since she spent 12 hours in labor with him 30 years ago. She takes your opinion on her wardrobe and family matters and she respects your educational background (as long as you’re not a veterinarian). She is nice to your mother, and at times she may even appear selfless. She keeps to herself and rarely intrudes. The Friend makes it a point to kill you with kindness. Of course, expect your own mother to become jealous of the buddy-buddy relationship you have with your mother-in-law.
3. The One From Hell: She says evil things like, “When was the last time you even looked at a stair master?” even though she’s 40 pounds overweight. When you try to dish it back out – or at the very least hold her accountable – she plays the health card: “Oh my heart, I only have a few more years to live, Allah sa3adni.” She enjoys authority and loves abusing it (like the time she made you sit at the kid’s table last Eid al-Adha). She spares nothing when insulting your origin – your family is from Homs?? – while conveniently forgetting her own less than stellar roots. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, especially when it comes to food (even though everyone knows that your maklooba blows her shit out of the water). Whatever happens, do not wish her ill and pray an IDF illegal bomb shrapnel will find her way to her foot, but only her foot! Your only recourse is to win your father-in-law’s affection, and pray that he is able to balance out The One From Hell.
4. The Passive Aggressive: She acts like you don’t exist and she only talks to her son (aka your husband). If there’s something important, she only asks for his opinion and ignores you, pretending as if you are unable to intelligently contribute to any conversation. It’s almost as if she sees you as her son’s roommate, someone that he keeps around to help pay for groceries. But, the Passive Aggressive is just trying to figure herself out; her brothers stole her inheritance and her mother never hugged her enough when she was a child. Your best bet is to scream into a pillow, take Mary Jane as a mistress, or find an excuse to relocate to Alaska.
5. The Indifferent: She is too busy with her own life and doesn’t have time to worry about you let alone your children. She’s pleasant, but don’t expect her to put down her Blackberry when she’s talking to you…or to offer to help you prepare Sunday dinner. She does an excellent job distancing herself from everyone around her, and never drops by to say hello – unless of course she needs something from her son. She has a career of her own, and half a dozen other daughters-in-law, so you don’t really matter to her that much. However, take caution: this may change the moment you have children. The Indifferent will work harder to get close to you and eventually to her grandchildren.
6. The One That Wants To Outdo You: She thinks she is hotter, more chic, and younger than you. She even wears Apple Bottom jeans cause she thinks she has more swag than you. Everyone knows that her nose, lips, and cheeks are fake, but they don’t dare say anything for fear of having rumors spread abin the past year, but they choose to ignore but they all fear to tell her that to her face to they let her live on her own never land. God forbid cook anything in the microwave; she will never let you forget how you tried to poison her son and grandchildren, and she will be at your house every night insisting on cooking your family dinner. She is the alpha female of the house and she will mark her territory with droplets of your pride. Don’t try to marginalize her or downplay what she says. With the One That Wants to Outdo You, it’s all about the games you play.

[Tarboush Tip: Andrew]

Continue Reading...

12 Steps to Survive an Arab Breakup

Feeling Like you’re starting over, having difficulty trusting again, having an identity crisis, various stages of grief are among the common symptoms people going through breakup often experience.. An Arab breakup is often more brutal than other breakups because for one we tend to make very calculated steps when it comes to our social life. Second, all Arab courtship are a public affair, there is no such thing as down-low. Those are based on real life lessons.
We know that the best way to survive this stage is to be ruthless and look out for number one, here’s how you go about it:

1. Make something up about her questionable stands on religion better yet believe those accusations yourself.
2. Never too late to start listening to Abdel Haleem Hafiz old songs, his songs and his personal life are nothing but a tragedy.
3. Become her/his mom/dad best friend. This will make the person that dumped you feel bad and you know their parent think their kids can never do anything right
4. Start a rumor about her family’s reputation, something about their women and male whores for brothers
5. Call her family animal haters–and that you love pooches. Tip PETA about how they keep sheep in their bedroom. You can also call them “impure” for having dogs inside their home.
6. Get your own hookah, it will be your best friend for a while and you know you will be sucking for a long time.
7. Box up all the things that he gave you, or that remind you of him. Put them in a box and donate them to benefit your local charity.
8. Cut off all contact with him for at least a month; this will help the healing process because you won’t be talking to him all the time. Again Gaza/Somalia would be good spots, the phone lines and Internet do not work over there.
9. Learn to make Kenfae (Arabic desert with cheese and noodles), the respect, love and admiration you will get from all your circle will compensate you for the love from that nameless ex. This single act alone is enough to give you an orgasm
10. Seduce her/his lesser attractive PhD holding sister/brother. This is not weird, creepy or anything, in Arabic they call that Naseeb! This is like spying on your ex but you get to look like a decent person doing it.
11. Exercise. Let all that endorphins leave your body, feel happier, and sexier. Boost your confidence. Better yet exercise while eating Kenafah.
12. Enlist in the US Army, hope for a US invasion of her home country, then bomb the hell out of her home.

[Tarboush Tip: Andrew]

Continue Reading...

The Arab Dictator Stay-Hot List

To be an Arab tyrant these days is not easy. Watching protests calling for their removal can be hurtful to one’s feelings and sense of stability. Just last year, the people worshiped them. Throw in some foreign influences, drugs, terrorists and everything turns to hell! This can be quite traumatic for the poor despots who have worked to hard to advance their countries into the 1930s.

To stay in power, experts say, a leader has to stay hot. Once they’re no longer in, they’re out.

To stop from going crazy, you frightened dictators out there should stay busy staying HOT. Staying active, out there doing stuff, is key to avoiding insanity or a quick toppling. Do not be perceived as being aloof or just waiting. That is not cool. Plus, as they say, idle hands are the devil’s playground.

So here is what today’s Arab autocrat can do before and during protests to prevent the unpleasant revolution from being successful.

1. Breath in/breath out. Remember, you are alive. They haven’t murdered you yet. The dead man walking look — a la Hosni Mubarak — is, pardon the pun, a nail in the coffin. So breath hard, breath deep, even if you’re on the phone with state media.
2. Appear defiant and the man against all odds, even if you risk appearing out of touch. Everyone loves an underdog, even if that underdog jails dissidents, has a huge net worth and controls the country’s military. One way to do that is by pointing out in list fashion all the even more powerful foreign threats that want you out because of how awesome you are for the country. Work hard to push this line even if you and I both know it’s a load of shit.
3. Issue a press release condemning Iran/ the Weather channel/ Saudi Arabia/ Al Qaeda/ Facebook/ the Crusaders/ the United States/ Canadian mounties/ Online gambling/ Al Jazeera/ the Jews/ Niqab-wearers. Mix and match, have fun with it. Keep bringing up new enemies of the state, it makes your regime look busy.



4. Take a tour of some abandoned part of town filled with people on your payroll cheering you on because it’s freaking awesome and everyone always falls for it.
5. Hire that Haifa Wahbe music video director to make you look good and youthful. Techno-Arabic-pop music is a must. Make a pick on who’s your favorite singer on Star Academy nominate , and ask people to vote for him/her
6. Put your cash into gold faster than a Glenn Beck groupie. Make sure gold is somewhere else so that the people don’t get it. Cash you do not convert should be very well-hidden in your mansion. By the way, if your cash has your photo on it, save some because that is freaking awesome in other contexts.
7. Get your presidential tailor to get you as many highly customized suits as possible. They could take everything but why take suits that only fit you! Plus you can demand keeping them in exchange for surrender.
8. Re-shuffle the cabinet several times. Just take the Minister of the Interior have him switch with the Foreign Minister. Then abolish the Ministry of Silly Walks, only to rename it with the same Minister the following week. This is great busy work, can be re-done endlessly and vaguely resembles actual reform.



9. Phone calls. Phone calls. Phone calls. Cell phones – NO. Ornate, official-looking land-line phones – YES. And get your picture taken making them, or else there was no damn point.
10. Visit some other country or send a high-ranking official to show you are still in control. The risk is you get overthrown or your dignitary defects. But screw it, send the dignitary You can always kill the defectors family if he or she leaves. Hot means getting the last laugh.
11. Demolish national monuments that protests take place at. It really looks like you’re doing something when you are not…. at all.



12. Change your mind often. Offer reforms, take them away. Promise to resign one day, break it the next. Flip-flopping can be made to look like actual strategy. The fact it is not does not matter at all. It’s essentially saying, I’m way too hot to touch.
13. Speeches. The more speeches the better. Do not make any that sound like your last though, such as a crazy meandering tirade, or at least one that is more crazy than your norm. That is very much NOT HOT.
14. Do normal stuff at first. Walk around, sit in gaudy French furniture, giggle with other dudes in suits. Let the people see you absolutely have no sense of anything happening, so they think nothing is. Then when the coercion starts and everyone gets a sense something it happening, go bat shit nuts, over-state the threat, and sharpen repression.
15. Practice your remorse face. When your forces kills protesters it is vital you look apologetic, actually sad, even as you deny any responsible whatsoever. Don’t think this tip matters? It could mean the difference between being Ben Ali or being Bashar.
16. Play around with social media filtering and false flag operations. You have no plan, really, but you know social media revolutions are totally in this season. Do not look lost in the Arab Spring by missing the chance to molest Facebook somehow.
17. Offer your useless endorsement of other equally embattled and doomed dictators. It will be super moving.

Remember despots, stay active or eat it hard.

[Tarboush Tip: Will]

Continue Reading...

Odd Things Arabs Tourists Photograph

Some people like to watch birds. I like to watch Arab tourists in the US. Most amusingly, they take the strangest photos. As a rule of thump, Arabs prefer not pictures of food, as so many Americans do abroad; nor do they point and click at everything like their Japanese brethren.

Here is what I see Arab visitors snapping away at where I live, in Washington, DC.

1. Cars, nice cars any cars really, but especially any late 1980s Corvette or Camaro.
2. The McDonald’s golden arches. Pizza Hut’s red roof caricature and the KFC bucket logo—because they remind them of home. Taco Bell is ignored.
3. Anyone in uniform—a policeman, a firefighter, a security guard, a postal worker.
4. Blondes—real or fake, it does not matter.
5. Servers @ Hooters, and the pics are only to be shared with the dudes back at home. It’s like a strip club for the dudes from conservative countries.
6. Hookahs. Nothing screams I am keeping it real as blowing smoke, plus they can ask people back home to guess where the picture was taken, since nothing is crazier than a shisha place in NYC.
7. Anything that comes on time. It’s worth taking its picture since this concept is non-existent back home (and in many places in the US). OK, this does not really happen, but it should!
8. Homeless folks with their coin jars who tell jokes about poor Americans and give unsolicited advice to tourists. When you expect to visit such a rich country, nothing is more novel than a homeless dude. In the Arab world, homeless isn’t rare, but public begging is outside of the massive cities. Getting mobbed by kids selling crap is a bigger phenomenon for tourists.
9. Mosques and Arabic churches are like the Arab McDonalds, super exotic and therefore photo-worthy.
10. Government offices. In DC so many look ancient Roman or Soviet in architecture, so it’s like time travel. But yeah, take a picture of the symbols of American power while it lasts.
11. Airplanes, we really cannot help by take pictures of those flying beasts. I have no idea why.
12. Bridges, dams and those damn FBI undercover agents, well if no one warned them what NOT to do in the US.
13. Segways, those silly mobility devices, because the roads back home make such vehicles impossible and people just look ridiculous riding them.
14. Extremely obese people walking, talking, moving on scooters. Although for Gulfies, the sight of fat people may no longer be so interesting.
15. Anybody that looks like a rapper, which for the lighter Arabs is just about any black person. And yes, many think the average black guy “looks like” some celebrity. That can lead to embarrassing moments.
16. People in exercise outfits. Sorry we do not exercise. The closest thing we have to exercise is reproduction activity, and we’re not wearing anything.
17. Any protest, whether by paid union protesters, or the nuts camped out by the White House, is a great subject for Arab cameras.

Arab tourists like taking photos of the surprisingly familiar, as well as the exotic. Most important is they show everyone back home what they were up to on the trip. Aren’t Arabs so strange!

Continue Reading...

8 Arabs Who Have a hard Time Finding a Mate

There are many awesome and fine Arab people to marry, but unfortunately, like other people some Arabs are tough sells when it comes to dating and marriage. sometimes it’s their fault, sometimes they are disadvantaged.

1. Journalists - It might sound cool, you get to hand out with cool people, but it’s painful to get a paycheck. There are way too many of you in each town and there are only so many Al Jazeera can hire.
2. College Students – Go back to school kid, read few more books by Noam Chomsky or Zizek. Whatever hell you read to sound pretentious.
3. The Artist (exception if they are publicly recognized or do their art as a side project)- I know you have been working on this documentary for three years now. Your grandma cannot be bailing you out for much longer.
4. Divorcee’s with kids- Yes this happens. Unless he knows what he wants in life and can show some funds, then this guy can be written off. Buy some Celine Dion records. Some say it helps, others say the wounds only deepen.
5. 5. Divorcee with no kids – That says you cannot have any and since Arabs love a good bargain, you my friend are not one. Do not worry though, stem cell research is making ways so that your ovaries can do their godly duty.
6. 6. Anyone with a strong Syrian (EGYPTIAN) mother - You only want to marry one person. And not their mother too.
7. Anyone you met on an online dating website - Things are changing, but go ahead and explain to your relatives how you met. They will think you are some kind of whore who brought shame upon the family. Or worse
8. Anyone with a Arabic last name that translates to an insect, reptile or rodents, like Sarsour, Jarada, and Al Far – While you hope you can trap those creatures in real life, you run away from them.
9. Arab men (every Arab woman I know married to an Arab advises never to marry an Arab) – either they are lying or they want to keep you out of the exclusive club.

Continue Reading...

15 Symptoms of Arabitis*

[inflammation of one’s Arabness]

1. Severe allergic reactions, such as wheezing, rashes, vomiting and headaches, to Fox News and/or Glenn Beck
2. A hoarse and sore throat after demonstrations
3. Paranoid fears and delusions, including ringing ears, when others are talking about you
4. Swelling of the hands from over-gesturing during conversation
5. Prolonged erection and dream-like trance when Arab people depose a dictator (side effect of over-consumption of TV news)
6. Abnormally long pinky fingernail
7. Inflated feeling of self-importance when given a sound bite in local TV news report.
8. Suicidal thoughts or rage when cut off on the highway or publicly humiliated
9. Over-exaggerated Arabic accent when speaking English
10. Short-term amnesia when friends loan you money
11. Tightness in the chest when Republican presidential candidates talk about Islam, or any American politician talks about Israel.
12. Increased sweating and nervousness when asked to donate to a Muslim charity
13. Trouble sleeping when an Arab country is attacked
14. Parsley teeth syndrome.
15. Compulsive need to lecture about any subject regardless of one’s familiarity or knowledge

[Tarboush Tip: Will, Nadeem]

Continue Reading...

The Perfect Seven: Arab Men Your Mom Wants You to Marry

By Hanitizer

1. The Gulfie (but only if he will put some property in your name and agrees never to bring you a second wife). Arabs from the gulf have long had the stereotype of being the human versions of cash, with a few cultural eccentricities built-in. We all know this is mostly, but not all true. Your mom doesn’t know any better. So if a Saudi guy starts to take interest in you, be warned, she may start to see him as her retirement fund and ticket to the posh life.




2. The Palestinian. As long as he is not from Gaza, your mom sees “Palestinian” as code for engineer or doctor. Plus, he’s as a charity case even if he’s an upper-cruster from Ramallah who thinks there is no Israeli occupation. On average, he has a can-do-attitude, is respectful of his elders and makes a mean maklooba. He is the village son from a “good family” who is an engineer looking for a green card and English lessons. Downside: he is not the one to apologize and the eternal victim act gets tired.




3. The lawyer. He is smart, carries on good conversations, has a decent job and knows how to get you off the no-fly list if necessary. Moms may not get what lawyers do, but they know it’s prestigious here, as opposed to being a shit job no one wanted back home. Of course he is a good dresser who has more suits than your mother has (real) teeth. But 90% of what comes out of his mouth is hot air. Usually, he’s so good with words that you and your mom are fooled. But your grandmother sees right through him. Too bad no one listens to her anymore because she’s right on this one.




4. The doctor. This bastard should be in the number one position. He is the god of marriage for Arab moms. She will show him more love and attention in one visit than she showed your father in 30 years of marriage. He is the gold standard of potential hubbies. You may not want to marry him because his breath smells like ass and he’s an overworked, inattentive, self-aggrandizing pharmaceutical company whore. But your mom looks at him like she’s in full-on cougar mode.




5. The business owner. He is one Mercedes away from being your mom’s leading contender. He is hard-working, entrepreneurial (by definition) and always stressed out about the bottom-line. Somehow, if he found the way to meet your family, he’d be able to sell himself perfectly. He’d pitch himself like he was pushing 50 units of widgets. But at every family gathering he’d be hustling the room for quick money schemes. His initial charm wears out but everyone somewhat respects his hustle, especially when he adroitly takes care of whatever your mom ever needs in just a few phone calls.




6. The government worker. He is not the smartest in the bunch, but has two benefits: 1. when she goes back to the old country and says her son-in-law works for the American government, it sounds important. Forget the fact that he shuffles paper from one part of his desk to another all day and cannot help your mom get any of her friends or family visas. 2. He has semen and can raise kids in a stable setting. Plus, he has a lot of time to raise them. He is never the top choice, but is just plain acceptable even if he’s BOR-ing.




7. The cousin or family friend. Your mom knows everything about him because she probably changed his diapers. Forget that you grew up like brother and sister. Even if things grew creepy post-puberty, you still were cool, but never marriage cool. And if he ended up being a weirdo who you avoided, you still cannot deny you used to run around together. But marriage? WTF! When you heard it as kids, you probably thought it was typical Adult bullshit. Oh no, my friend.

Remember, though, the single most important criterion for your mother when it comes to who you spend the rest of your life with is: what other people think/say about it.

Continue Reading...

The Fifteen Lies of Arab Dictators

With Gaddafi on the ropes, and Ben Ali and Mubarak relegated to the history books, we are getting a better sense of the delusions that Arab dictators propagate to justify their authoritarian powers.

Usually, the first big lie is something like, “I do not want to be president, I am just doing this for you.” They all think they’re benevolent despots, or at least they like pretending to be. That lie’s an obvious one, no one cracks down on dissent, rapes their country’s resources and puts billboards of himself all over the country out of the good of his heart. So we will include the more interesting lies in our 18 point list:

1. If I go down, Al Qaeda and extremists will take over the country (which is SO MUCH worse than the extreme idiots in power now)
2. The country will go into civil war and break apart (as they effectively attack protesters and try to turn the country against them)
3. Life is good for my people! (despite 40% unemployment and everyone complaining in private all the time)
4. The economy will collapse (even if it is oil-based or barely functioning already)
5. The protests are an American-Israeli conspiracy (even used by allies of the US)
6. My people love me!!!!!!! (as much as they love the plague)
7. I promise major reforms (bigger prisons!)
8. The protesters are all foreigners. See we caught one with a foreign passport! (she works for IHOP)
9. I love this country too much to actually listen to the people who live here (just like those Kosher hot dogs, I answer to a higher authority)
10. The opposition drinks, gives people free money and uses crazy drugs (because they have no legitimate qualms whatsoever)
11. I have done so much for this country (a monkey at a typewriter could have done a better job)
12. The protests are Facebook/the internet/Al Jazeera’s fault (no, it’s your’s)
13. I’ll step down at some named date in the future (yeah, right)
14. I am not the president, I do not have any real authority (yeah, just like those really old Wal-Mart door greeters)
15. I am in firm control of the country! (if you exclude my obnoxious family )

Continue Reading...

Tea Party and Muslim Brotherhood--More in Common

1. Both have extreme views and both are on the right.
2. Both pack heat
3. Both referred to as “Crazies” by the media
4. The political elites want to keep them out of government
5. They are very loud, obnoxious and stubborn.
6. Both think they are subject of some conspiracy
7. They love to lament the good old days and the glory days
8. Both hate taxation and love charities.
9. Both call for an originalist interpretation of old texts.
10. No central leadership in sight
11. Tea party choose the yellow Gadsden "Don't Tread On Me" flag, where there is a snake, what most critics call Muslim brotherhoods.
12. They scare the heck out of minorities
13. Supporters tend to be male, married and older than 45
14. Global warming skeptics.
15. They think their native tongue is the center of the world
16. They both hate foreign presence.
17. Some accuse them of mischaractrizing historical figures. Some accuse them of reinventing history.
18. Their offshoots have been linked to violence and violent rhetoric.
19. Both direct their anger at the government.
20. Both restore to the populist tone.

Continue Reading...

Odd Stuff Arabs Like to Take Pictures of

As someone who has witnessed the arrival of many Arab tourists and visitors to the US, I have came to see them take pictures as evidence of their visit to America. As a rule of thump, Arabs prefer not pictures of food, it only says we are hungry and we come from poor families.

1. Cars, nice cars any cars really—a Honda might be classified as a nice car.
2. The McDonald’s golden arches and the KFC Bucket Logo—Taco is too weird.
3. Any one in uniform—a policeman, a firefighter, a plumber. (Oh Sweet Democracy).
4. Blondes—real of fake it does not matter.
5. Servers @ Hooters—only to be shared with the dudes back at home.
6. Hookahs, nothing screams I am keeping it real as blowing smoke.
7. Anything that comes on time is worth taking its picture.
8. Homeless folks with their coin jar to tell wise crack jokes about poor Americans.
9. Mosques and Arabic churches—they are like the Arab McDonald’s.
10. Government offices—Oh sweet Democracy.
11. Airplanes, we really cannot help by take pictures of those flying beasts.
12. Bridges, dams and those damn FBI undercover agents.
13. Segways, those silly mobility devices--Because the roads back home are not ready yet.
14. Extremely obese people moving on scooters.
15. Anybody that looks like a rapper. It says I got culture.
16. People in exercise outfit--Sorry we do not exercises and if we do, we are not wearing anything.

A safe rule is, if rednecks like something, chances Arabs will be taking pictures of. Big Cars, guns, animals, fireworks...etc.

Continue Reading...