Humor Section

My first standup gig was back in 2001 in a LDS ward talent show, my roommate who would not allow me to play music on Sunday—that’s my own Arabic music—asked me if I would do something for the ward talent show, I guess that was a way he could include my in the ward activities. But I really do not have any talents to speak of; he thought I can tell jokes. Actually he was not the first person to tell me about this, it was my friend Jesse Nix from Texas he thought I should do standup. I did not take him seriously, because back then I was still learning English.

Anyhow, I wrote some lines for the talent show and showed up, I had a good response, people laughed out of sympathy, I think. I jokes about Provo, Utah and about the large numbers of Book of Mormons I was offered. I later got involved with various clubs on campus in which I would perform and deliver some lines, I was involved with the student group on campus (BYUSA) and that was fun. I did audition to the biggest comedy club on campus Divine Comedy in 2003 and in 2006 and in both times I got great response and helpful feedback. I never qualified for the Divine Comedy club because I was told that I got no mentionable musical talents—they do sketches in the Divine Comedy and whole bunch of Dorky Mormon comedy. In 2004, I have performed in George Washington University—Washington DC to large crowd of 200 gathering for an Eid dinner. I was there with a number of my Mormon friends—the evening was open to all, they dared me to get up and deliver some of my lines, which I did and I think the Mormons were the only ones laughing. The Muslim audience who were in attendance laughed, but not as hard as my Mormon buddies. A month later, there was an interfaith dinner between the Mormons and the Muslims in BYU Barlow center in Foggy Bottom in Washington DC, I was invited to perform that evening, they were more than 100 people in attendance, I was not prepared , but I did better that evening because both Mormons and Muslims enjoyed an equal amount of laughs.

I have also performed in 2005 and 2006 in a sold out talent show for my graduate program at BYU with audience of 150 in attendance, I try to introduce new material in every time I get on the stage, but since most of my audience have been members of the LDS Church, they seem to enjoy my puking fun of members and attitudes in the church—people in Utah enjoy a great sense of humor for which I am grateful

But more recently I joined a comedy club on campus called HumorU, an exclusive stand up club with a great cast and funny people both proper and improper styles for BYU. I did a show a number of sold out shows with them, and I had great fun with the audience and the cast. I like Stand up better, because the person with the microphone is the only responsible person for the lines and the jokes, if jokes suck, it is his fault, not the audience’s fault like in the other forms, which puts a little bit of pressure on the performer to make their jokes better. The club members strive to be BYU proper because of the sensitive audience on campus, first night of the show some comedians went off script and tested new materials that might have offended some of the audience, although, there was no hacklers or people who left the show, the club censored some of its members. As part of the comedy group on campus, yesterday I had my first standup gig where people have actually paid to see us. I was nervous a bit, but I had a great support of my friends and my cast members, it was fun, jokes were funny, people were laughed there were very few if any boos. I am grateful that HumorU have invited me to take part of this fun event. We have another show tonight and it will be as good, thanks for the audience support our shows are all sold out.

I came to realize that there is always ways to make a joke better and funnier, the more one tells the joke the better is gets and the better the response from audience. In telling a joke, I found English to be both an asset and a liability. People enjoy foreign accent that is not so thick, but different. English sometimes betrays me when I want to deliver the bunch line, but so far this has not been a major setback, in fact when I screw up a line people laugh harder not at the joke, but at me.


Ladies and gentlemen, I am an Arab at BYU and I love it here. I love all you big, fat, obnoxious Americans. But I get tired of saying the same thing over and over, so I would like to clear up some common questions I get asked every day.

Are you a terrorist?

No.

Were you joking about being a terrorist?

No.

Seriously, if you were a terrorist, you’d tell me right?

Yes.

Do you like fried chicken and destroying America?

No.

How about just fried chicken?

Yes.

Are you planning on stealing our beautiful women?

Yes. Two words ladies; Oil Money. Who do you think gets that $3.00 a gallon you’re paying? Stupid Yankee Devils.

And yes, I’m Moslem. There are a lot of similarities between Moslems and Mormons. I have Mohammed, you have Joseph Smith. I have the Koran, you have the Book of Mormon. I’m going to Heaven, you’re…not.

All I’m saying is if you want to change, I can send over two representatives who can totally change your life.

But sometimes it’s hard being a Moslem at a Mormon school. But whenever I’m feeling like I don’t really fit in, I just go watch the medieval club, and suddenly I feel much better about myself. And I always wonder, if they really did find themselves back in medieval times, would they start a Stone Age club? I’d ask them, but they frighten me. I mean there guys look like Crusaders and I do look like an infidel to them.

I have more material, but some of it’s a little Anti-American and I’m afraid President Bush will declare war on me. How do you like that joke, College Republicans?!? PLO POWER!

I think that the two most violent games in America are the two games that are exclusively white, try Hockey, and NASCAR. I do not know about you, but when someone beats someone and corners them back home, this is against the law, but in Hockey I learned that it is not against the rules to be "violent" Sure is. NASCAR is another dominantly white game, and crashes are crazy.

People back home get shot and suffer violence, people here as well get shot, the only difference is people here get shot over a PlayStation...3 or was is over a Wii?

I like swimming, I do enjoy it occasionally to hit the pool with my American buddies, but it really hurts to see my American friends beating me to the pool and being ahead of me while I am stopping in the middle of the pool to catch my breath while my American buddies are just non-stop cruising the pool. But I cam to realize that it is simple physics why Americans are much better swimmers, they are FULL OF GAS, and therefore they simply float!!! Darn it, the while freaking country runs on GAS.

Anyone likes to go to the laser tag place and enjoy a fun game of laser shooting? (to all those who raised their hands) Yeah, I am glad you are hearing today because I also meet a bunch of rejects and losers over there. So I guy and play in the regulars’ night and look at these rejects and wonder how American ever became the great nation it is? So these guys give me a gun and trained me to use it, I thought this would be the only time they would trust an ARAB with a gun! Man, these guys sure make me feel home, I feel like I am in A FREAKING WAR ZONE. Anyhow, my first night with these guys, I got killed so many times, literary I charge my gun and just walk out and someone will snipe me. I mean things were really bad, that the theme of the evening was “Come Shoot an ARAB” I mean it was really bad....it could be much worse, I could have invited my Mexican freinds, then it will all trun to become a MINUTEMAN PROJECT.

So this summer, I worked as a security for a big event in Provo, Utah—Stadium of Fire—it was fun for me, I enjoyed checking bags and asking people to be searched. Yeah, I want to take my revenge on the Americans this time, I get to check them. “Yeah you, the blond, you are a security threat to America” “I have to check your bag” Isn’t America a great place? Man, I testify that i have not seen a single bag without "the essentials" which i came to later know as
"Advil, Exedern, Aspirins, Tylenol", there are so many SICK people out there, which is cool I mean, back home we do not carry these things with us becasue we do not have them to to start with. So couple of hours later, some tall guy walks to me and says: “Hey Buddy, have you seen any ARABS around here?” I was like what? But then I held back for a minute..... and shot back “No Señor, no hablo Inglés” “No hay Moros en la costa!!!”

So I was dining in a fine restaurant the other day—I do not do this very often unless someone else is picking the tab—and this waitress comes and greets us, but we are in Utah here and people are nothing short of friendly, so I learn that she is from Israel and she learns that I am a Palestinian. She was not thrilled by learning my background, and asked me if I needed the food “to stay” or “to go” I was like you know what “My family tried the to go option and they do not seem to have done well, I am going to opt to the stay option—this refers to the refuges, there were who evacuated and those who stayed who lead a better life for the most part.

Isn’t great that we live in a country that people are so lazy to shop outside, and just buy things they see on TV? I mean this infomercials and commercials are so effective and they can get you to buy anything. Call now to get this crap, but if you call within 10 seconds will load crap up. I mean I just find myself reaching for the phone and dialing their number. “Call NOW keeps ringing in my head. Man, these guys got to buy a country album “Going South” and I am a Palestinian. You know what they got me to also buy, a coffee machine. But the thing is I do not like coffee and I also I attend BYU where we are not supposed to drink tea or coffee. I am telling you people these guys are good, I wonder what I will buy next? A Confederate flag?

After 9/11 many things changed especially in airports where I feel I am on first basis with the security guys TSA and thus. They receive me at the door of the airport and know me well; they even know my favorite soda. In the airport, it is the only time I feel that I have to impersonate American accent and be on my best behavior. It is amazing how far a clean shave can take you in the airport. I flew first class the other day with a major carrier. Yeah, first class, NICE all you can drink is free and you can be as butt hole as you want and no one will tell you a thing. But you know I will NEVER fly first class again, not in my LIFETIME. They gave me seat number one, BOY this was a curse, I was so SCARED to sit there, I mean literary the cockpit is LITERARY inches away from me. I even was scared to go to the freaking BATHROOM because the BATHROOM door was side by side to the cockpit and I am TALL and DARK, even if I tired to SMILE, people are still tense. But I could not hold it any longer and we were in our way to DC—about 4.5 hours long—I went to the bathroom and was careful to open the right door and the OTHER DOOR. I noticed signs of discomfort in the eyes of passengers on the same flight, as much as they tried to smile, I was like sure “I would scare myself, I am feeling GUILTY already. I made sure to make my stop in the bathroom as brief as possible. But once I walked out of the bathroom, I found the whole crew waiting anxiously for me by the door and surround me with LOVE and Smiles. Man, it was INTENSE, but nothing happened as far as I know.

Another airport story, I am not sure if many had to go through this, but whenever I go to the airport, these guys will always put an SSS code on my ticket and send me to another place for clearance. So I am thinking what the SSS could mean, let’s see SUNNI, SHIITE, SUFI, sacrificial, suicidal, sacrilegious, single, stupid, snappy, sloppy, soapy, shady, sabotage, Semite, safety, security, salacious, Smokey, stinky, sand ninja, Saudi, sarcastic, Satanic, Scum, Scandalous, Scary, scanty, scoundrel, scruffy, saboteur, second class, secret-operative, Sad, Sadr boy, Senile, senseless, sentimental, sentinel, shaggy, shrewd, slippery, sissy, Saddam, sleazy, sneaky, smelly, smuggler, solider, spineless, spooky, splinter cell, spy, socialist, standoffish, stinger, stingy, strafe, strafe…any thoughts? I do not know about you, but none of these words have a positive connotation in the United States at least.

I thought it was great to attend a four year old college and can invent your OWN country and tell people you are from there and having them say that they have been to that place. So I invented a country called Hanistan where I am KING. That is not the fun part, the funny thing was when I had someone that he actually went through Hanistan in his way to BRAZIL, I was thinking that Hanistan would be somewhere in Central Asia, but Brazil sounds nice. I had another lady that told me she was in Jordan last summer but because of security risks, their trip to Hanistan was cancelled, no she was not joking either she was SERIOUS.

Marriage Survey:

This is a fun survey I have put together for fun, I mean no disrespect to my culture, my religion or any individual or a group. As it goes in the Arab culture, dating is not a big deal over there, and people do not get to know their significant other informally before they commit. So I thought I need to create “tools” to help me cheat the system. One of these tools is this survey. This survey will be handed by my mom to the ladies that are possibly to be my wife.

How old are you?

18
19
20
21

On a Scale of 1 to 10

How much do you hate America? 1 I hate America as much as I hate Peanut butter 10 I hate America as much I hate Michael Bolton?

On the same, scale How wicked do you think America is, one is least wicked 10 America is the great Satan

How much of a wife’s time need to be spend in the kitchen?

90% or less
94% or less
96% or less
98% of more

On the 1 to 10 scale how of a good cook are you? 1, I cannot cook worth a nickel, 10 I can cook like George Foreman

How much money does your father have?

A lot of it
Stacked
Extremely Wealthy
Does not know what do with money

How Many Kids do you want to have?

7 or more
8 or more
9 or more
10 or more

Bottom Line, Do you also want a career?

Yes
No

What is your weapon of Choice ?

AK-47
UZI
M-16
Bazooka

What percentage of your money is spent on clothes?

1%
2%
2%
90% or more

Define Chocolate:

Sweet Dark thing
Tasty Desert
Soul Food
Women’s best friend

Did you major in any of the following majors:

Social science
Children Education
Family Therapy
Dance

Where would you want to go on a honeymoon?

Pakistan/Afghanistan borders
Baghdad
Somalia
Darfur

What did you get for Christmas?
(Trick question, Muslims do not celebrate Christmas)

Checkout my Stand uP Comedy group for jokes, videos and more at: http://www.humoru.org/