Sunday, October 31, 2010

Schmoozing @ the Wrong Place

I was at some DC gala here few months ago and they had all types of politicians, diplomats, and you know your average DC faces.

I ran into the Israeli Ambassador here in DC, and you know you could go up ans talk to them as they are schmoozing other gala attendees. The guy was talking about how cool Israel is and how their army does no worn. I approached the diplomat and asked him, "Mr. Ambassador, do you ever think Israel would ever agree to a Palestinians a state?"

He looked at me and said something I thought compelling, "I am Ray Hanania!"

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Kill Those Romantic Movies

What guy do you know enjoy romantic movies? Even those who like romantic movies know they are doing something questionable.

You would never have half of those romance movies if people avoid those two fatal mistakes:

  1. Never plan a surprise party for anybody yet along a loved one. it always ends in disaster and you ruin anything good.
  2. Never interrupt a couple who are having a conversation, if you do the guy will not finish his sentence and the girl will become the one that got away. Plus, it is kind of rude to butt in people's conversations.

End of story.....we just killed the career of a dozen Hollywood actors and actresses. Sorry about that, but look at the bright side now, you have a lot more time to do things you really liked, things like coke.
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Now With Jokes

Do not you hate when you get a new product and it says right there on it in bold lines, "NOW With Zantrate", "Now with Sorbitol", "Now with added [fill in the blank]" And you have no idea, absolutely no idea what it,s the company here is bragging about....but somehow you feel it is an upgrade!

Next time, you body lotion will read, "NOW with Hummus", "Now with Tahini, Seaweed"....and I am sure people will pick it up and buy it.....We are just suckers for added new stuff as long as they brag about it...we conclude it must be good for us.

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My Political Halloween

As it turns out, Halloween in DC is a lot spookier when there is a Republican administration in the White House.

But to their credit, Republicans serve better candy and treats, none of those spongy, bland tasting healthy candy Democrats love.

Yes, Democrats serve better tricks! OK, Democrats are lot more creative when it comes to elaborate customs.
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Friday, October 29, 2010

Get an Arab Guy in 9 Steps

In response to Sana’s 6 Ways to Really Get an Arab Guy

Ladies, there is plenty of time to do what you want to do and have it your way, but that’s once you are married when you can show your teeth and say it as it’s. But before then in the courtship period, her are few steps to help you navigate the mind of your Arab man…safely.

  1. Be of a legal age. the legal age is determined by two factors where the State sets the minimum and his mother to set the maximum.
  2. Have a really long hair. However, eyes with the color of money is also exotic and can boasts your dowry by 20%. Also know your basic kitchen skills and essential spices. No, you do not have to cook, just be in the know. Just know what ginger/garlic paste is and he’ll be woo’d.
  3. Be able to tell sports apart and the names of at least three famous players and their teams in each sport.
  4. Hate on Facebook, describing it as a complete waste of time.. This earns you credits as a conservative girl with very few virtual friends, making you traditional.
  5. Make sure you’re tall enough. Not tall enough to see his increasingly visible bald-spot, but tall enough to have your weight evenly distributed to all the right areas because Arab men and their mothers, much like Hollywood and our general American media, find the existence of women who don’t wear a size 2 completely blasphemous.
  6. Do not diss female pop stars such as Haifa Wehbe or Lady Gaga, it’s just a lose-lose situation and a completely needless risk. But don’t try to look like them. Ever.
  7. Be smart but not too smart to turn off his aunts who are all high school dropout and do have a college degree in majors that his grandma can easily understand and a career that is family friendly. Dance majors need not apply.
  8. Care, but not too much. His actions and behavior are not really a true reflection on you as a woman and a future mate.
  9. Don’t be a divorcee! Life isn’t fair, I know. The Shaikh will take you in as a second/third wife and he will give you a baby of your own or let’s hope you have an American passport. When it comes to Arabic marriages, Eminem rythmed about it “Success is your only (MotherF*&#ing) option.”

Bonus Wear Red shoes and come up with some bullshit story about the dress you are wearing and how your grandmother gave it to you on her death bed.

If this seems like an impossible list, that’s because it is. I know the truth hurts but you need to get over it and examine your options.

[Tarboush Tip: Sana and Muftah]

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Smartphone Nation

Smart phones, but stupid people!

Everyday there is news about a new smartphone by this company and that. I swear everyday someone introduced a new smartphone.

Dude, get this....your smart phone is only as smart as you are. It won't compensate for your lack of intelligence.

I hope to just skip over this smartphone period of America's history.
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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

7 Arab Facebook “friends” to Lose

You will disagree with me, but if diplomacy is the continuation of war by other means, then Facebook is the continuation of narcissism. It might as well be the largest waste of time in existence where you are to take a million pictures of yourself or anything and post them on your Facebook. And then comes those annoying notifications commenting on my comment. But I get it, it makes it easier to get in touch with people, connect with old friends, upload dozens of pictures, and do so much more. In the meantime here are 7 types of Arab Facebook friends you might want to lose.

1- The Sheikh,
This person does not believe in pictures, so his profile picture is something of either the dome of the rock, Mecca, or some religious test in nice calligraphy. He always has quotes from religious texts and stories of early Muslims. He/she often comments on your pictures with language that has double meanings, but mostly he/she disapprove of your lifestyle, like the picture of you smoking a hookah. Insists on using religious Arabic phrases in all occasions. He does not belong to any causes or anything political, just pure religion. Heck, they might even use the Muslim lunar calender for kicks. Most people put this person on limited access so they are not in the know. It’s good when there is an ongoing war as they can spread a word of prayer. The Sheikh is the only one in your Facebook friends that won’t wish you a happy birthday because it is Haram. Favorite useless Facebook application: SuperPoke.

2- The Gossip Hub,
Did you see their pictures in Ramallah? I cannot believe she would wear that. That’s how it starts, and next thing you are bashing your cousins and friends. You will later find out that the gossip hub memorized every negative word you said and passed it on to further advance their agenda. Since the gossip hub has an appetite for details, their profile picture is most likely a portrait. Gossip is not a new business, but the social media makes it so easy and so hard to resist as more people allow you to peak into their private lives. Their power comes from having too much time and easy access to unassuming “friends”. Thanks to the new group feature, you can keep them in the dark. Hey, Gawker is hiring. The gossip hub expects the entire world to acknowledge their birthday like it’s a national holiday or something. Can we please stop it with the poking? Why are you poking me every five minutes? You’re now getting on my nerves. Favorite useless Facebook application is: “Food Fight”.

3- The “I need a Spouse”
This guy changes his profile picture every five seconds and he is the first to comment on your status update and photos. Maybe he needs a job and not a spouse as no one in their sane mind will put up with their addiction to the Internet. They love to overshare, and often do more damage to themselves than good: I do not need to know the burrito you had for lunch was your one way ticket to the bathroom. No, we do not have an inside joke. Girls also qualify under this group, but they are smarter, they know everything, but they rarely engage in commentary out of fear being perceived as overexposed. She will constantly whine about being stalked and she is not a stranger to tongue typos. Maybe the guy and the girl in this category should change their status to “in a relationship” instead of “it’s complicated” which is a rather accurate description of their mental status. But not to sweat it, you are in the right place, this is a place where desperate people share a bunch of pointless info about their lives. Favorite useless Facebook application is: “Fortune Cookie”.

4- The News Junkie,
The Provoker, this person does not even have any friends in real life, but somehow he/she has 2000 virtual friends as they view it as an online popularity contest. Since the News junkie knows better than to post scandalous photos, avoids scandals their profile picture is fare and away style. They are also good as they update you on world news that you care about, I swear they beat the Huffington Post to the story. Aside from political stuff, they can be a good authority on Facebook sweet deals and promotional coupons. They are unafraid to get in pissing matches over analysis of news and their ill-informed opinion. They can be the activist kind which means they push you to add Code Pink as a friend. They have started more groups than Donald Trump has suites. Most likely to commit a Facebook abortion when they say something deeply controversial promoting a wave of de-friending. Favorite useless Facebook application is: “X-Me”.

5- The Editor,
The word you meant to use is “effect” not “affect”. Your love of Facebook is unconditional as only lonely and awkward losers such as yourself can pretend to have a life. They are under-educated and out to prove themselves, or they are too old to understand the various online acronyms. The Up Close and Impersonal is their style of profile picture as they always get up in your face. The editor will have swollen fingers or worse, they may have carpel tunnel syndrome. WTF! The universe works in mysterious ways. I guess Facebook is pretty rad, until you learn the majority of your “Friends” won’t write on your wall, or comment on your photos. In fact, most of your acquaintances have Facebook Alzheimer’s when it comes to remembering you from real life. You will respond to their negligence by viewing their photos and commenting on them just to be a buzz kill. Facebook is like Harley Davidson, it makes life more interesting and it gives the the illusion of fun, nothing wrong with little lies. Next time do not poke me, and if you do I have a Punch Me application and you are on top of my list. Favorite useless Facebook application is: “Are You Interested???”

6- The Baby Maker,
“Is the baby on your Facebook profile number 1 or number 2?” People here think they are too mature to post their real pictures so they try to make themselves look cool by belonging to some random inside joke groups proclaiming how they hate Starbucks or how they are part of Team Coco. Which is very appropriate as Coco is the universal word for crazy. They do not care for privacy as in real life they have too much of it. The drama comes when they post a new quote they just uttered thinking it’s funny only to be shamed into taking it out because it’s sexist, racists or homophobic. Why are you letting your kids eat that junk food and updating your status instead? And God forbid you ask them for a picture of their new born baby, “it’s on Facebook”, like they cannot be bothered to attach them to an email. Needless to say, their baby pictures got picked by a marketing company and now their baby has a giant poster selling diapers in China. Get over it you are getting old, go bowling and wear matching shirts with other couples. Favorite application is: “Make a Baby”

7- The Facebook Martyr,
They are the first to tell you they got screwed by Facebook, they hate it and they cannot stop complaining about their privacy. Creepy stalkers are after you, Facebook tells your friends you like chick flicks, your boss is watching you, the FBI has access to your account. But still, you are on Facebook posting the picture from the last party you went to. Profile picture would be either if some pop culture reference or a toast picture. Facebook is like the new mafia once you are in you can never leave alive, it’s impossible to delete the account, but stop trying to act like you fear for your privacy and personal safety. Nobody cares and you are not doing yourself any favors either. Everyone knows people here attempted a Facebook suicide, only to return few weeks later as it turn out they do not have a real life. Favorite application is: “My Fairyland”

[Tarboush Tip: Peppermint Patty]

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Friday, October 22, 2010

You want me to smell what again?

As a tea drinker I cam to appreciate this warm beverage, but I have to admit some people take it too far by taking too much pride in their tea habits.

One morning, a co-worker of mine who shared my love to drinking tea....comes in the morning bragging about this fine tea he got from this exotic shop in Chinatown. It was too early in the morning for that kind of animation.

"Hani, you need to come smell my TEAS!" he yelled. I am guessing the new tea has a certain strong aroma when you open the jar.

I shot back, "No, buddy, I am not gonna smell your face I do not want to come anywhere near your teeZ."
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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Random Halloween Ideas

This Halloween, the Tea party should go to Dearborn Michigan where they will surely find a good scare in all those hard working Muslim immigrants living in harmony in one of America's grandest states.

As for the rest of American, they should hit the gym and use that spooky treadmill, and horrifying rowing machine. Yes, the gym is like a haunted house for most Americans nowadays. Chasing the ghosts of fitness might be a good idea. I am going to try to get the first lady Michele Obama to implement my program as she cares a lot about fitness.

Happy Halloween and please avoid that tainted Chinese candy.
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Monday, October 18, 2010

Wadee El Safi Unloads the Wisdom to his Daughter

The really old school legendary Wadee El Safi reminds us he still a living legend. He crafted a sad yet beautiful song about being a father to a daughter and the love and the drama that come in between.

the message is simply the aging father asked he beloved daughter to stick around him as he loves her but he has seen little attention from her as he bore some much trouble for her upbringing yet she seems to have neglected that. He forgives and they make up and becomes buddies again.

Good song, the real winner perhaps is Jad Choury, the most controversial Arabic music video director why he is known for racy music video. He is hoping this directorial work would redeem him.

Wadee El Safi - Ya Benty / وديع الصافي - يا بنتي
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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

My Crush on John Adams

I have always loved John Adams and his teachings, I love his position on affluenza and I think it's very timely now as we are making China stronger by our addiction to consumption. He is by far one of my all time favorite founding father. But today, I have another reason why I love this man, here it is:

"I never knew a good Dancer good for any Thing else," John Adams said. Of the men who danced well, they gained neither "Sense or Learning, or Virtue for it."
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War is Good for Art

War is horrible, the death and destruction it brings is cruel. No one should have to live it or see it becasue it's inhumane. But as I have seen in a number of gallerias here in DC, the bigger the tragedy in one region, the bigger to turn out for the gallery opening.
  1. Artists from countries where they have wars have easier times selling their artwork as more people become interested in their work and in their region. I guess it makes good conversations and bragging rights for those wealthy few.
  2. Areas where they have conflicts is a rich topic for feature films, and more A list stars will appear in the movies. Can you tell me how many movies about Nam, Iraq and Afghanistan they have made? There are many becasue there is interest.
  3. Documentary films are also popular about regions of conflicts. There are thousands of documentaries about Palestine and Sudan. No one cares to make a movie about Norway or other peaceful nations. It's boring.
  4. Play-writers, actors, and painters all can give us better art becasue of the war drama and destruction. Thus wars enrich their senses and brings the best in their emotions as no one can tell a story as a sad person can.
So the next time you see an artist speak against war, you should remind them that they are missing the point a tragedy can offer them as artists.
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Business or Pleasure?

I am wondering the two terrorists with failed attempts to sabotage US airplanes, you know the one with the show and the other with the underwear....

what kind of US visa did they have? Was it work visa? or was it pleasure? technicaly they were on work, but was their work part of their pleasure?

Not sure, but cold blooded jerks like this won't tell!
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Sunday, October 10, 2010

Boo @ the Zoo

Today at the zoo, I was pleased with the nice weather and so were many people. Roa and I decided to head to the local zoo to visit our favorite neighbors. It was fun, but I was really surprised by the hight number of Muslim families visiting the zoo. Yes, there are plenty of Muslims here in the DC area, but often when we go to the monuments, we find one or two Muslim families (they wear head covers), but at the zoo we ran into a dozen of them. We ran into Saudis, Lebanese, African, African Americans and Pakistanis....etc.

I know in Gaza, the first thing they smuggled into Gaza is animals and they opened zoos for the public.

Any theories out there?

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Just Take a Bite Already

Maamool or ma'mool is a popular Arabic date filled cookie.

I know realize that ma'amool is a metaphor for college on the crust it looks dull and boring, "been there, done that" until you sink your teeth into it and get to a bite of the date part, things start to look a lot more fun.

Of course that works, but now they make ma'amol with nuts instead of date. But if you are a girl you know you have been on a date with few nuts in your life. NUTS, are a type of people that also exists as part of your college experience!

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Thursday, October 07, 2010

Flu Shot Aisle 3, Candy Aisle 7

Why do pharmacies in America stock so much junk food on their shelves? This should not be permitted. It's like when the gym also runs donuts shop, or your dentist giving you hard candy. Please allow your customers to be healthy, they can buy their candy some place else.

But again, if the customers were healthy, the pharmacy would have to shut down and be out of business. But seriously it never made sense to find loads of generic ice cream brand at my CVS or Walgreen. At least the Gaza pharmacies might be short on medications, but they NEVER sell cookies.
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Monday, October 04, 2010

Scary Reportage on Farmers' Market

I have always worried about that side of the farmer's market where few greedy vendors take advantage of unassuming and caring do-gooders.

Those farmers making claims that they grow their own produce are making it harder for those who actually grow their own produce. The LA msn news team did a good job covering this story and getting in the faces of the few fake farmers.

At times I have dismissed some of those "farmers" as a scams due to their high prices and some unfounded claims. Watch the report and get ready to get scared or do what I did...laugh.

View more news videos at:

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Rodents in Disney

I read this story and laugh
When Disney Land (The Kingdom of the most famous mouse) has a rodent problem, who they call on this delicate task?

Hope those cats they teamed up wont's kill Mickey!

Otherwise, the popular mouse might consider seeking asylum in Universal Studies.
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Saturday, October 02, 2010

Bigs and Muslims

What do Muslims in post 9/11 and pigs have in common?

Neither can FLY!

Thanks to BP oil spill in the gulf, the seafood buffet now works for both of you and your car. I will have an entrance to the buffet and one for my FORD!

If there is a band names the Smiths? And if John Smith is the most famous name...why there is no band called the Johns?
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