Tuesday, September 28, 2010

7 Americans the World Hates

1. The "In Dire Need of a Gastric Bypass" Tourist: Americans love traveling and enjoy spreading those weak dollars around in pursuit of happiness. Unfortunately, most Americans with that kind of cash tend to be obese. And they only speak English, making the French wary and the Moroccans who speak English wealthy in the process. Those tourists spent a great chunk of their time abroad looking for a restroom and yes they will take pictures of those tiny Johns and upload them on their Facebook page. These tourists often have the American embassy on speed dial. They travel in packs and are easy to spot--even someone who is visually impaired can recognize them from a distance. They are a perfect target for traveler scams as their negligence and behavior scream "Rob me please!"

2. The Curiously Strong Smelling Activist: This type can be found anywhere in the world where there is trouble or anywhere Starbucks buys coffee beans. Coffee. They care enough about the world to stop caring about how awful they smell, leaving a bad taste and a bad stench wherever they may go. The smelly activist is more hard core rebellion and local culture (even though the locals are abandoning their culture for a Football Cowboys jersey and a Coke Zero. For example, when a local boy sports a Nike shoe the smelly activist gets offended at the prospect that the very child making the shoes has the audacity to wear them. Additionally, these activists absolutely love to blog and toot their own horn. But nothing comes as natural to them as talking shit about the Man! Unless it's smelling like crap. They really need to learn that smelling like crap does not equal fighting the power. Unless by "power" they mean "legal human sanitary standards."

3. The Thai Special Lover: They love Asia and Latin America and tend to be older middle class, heart of America types and have had some trouble with the law back at home. So, rather than dealing with their questionable underage preferences, they abandon the motherland and seek those outlawed pleasures in other countries, such as Thailand, home of the Big Mac (if by that we mean gross sex trafficking of women and children). They can often be found in the world's poor shanty towns where unassuming peasants do not question their odd behavior and their excessive love for little children. They will tell you they are researching a book on "Development", yet are unable to compose a single coherent sentence given the nature of their problem as "premature". Creepy indeed. This tourist also comes in a UK version.

4. The Creepy Spook:
They have made the Middle East and China their home. They keep a low profile and get teaching jobs with as little commitment as possible. You run into them in your local café smoking a hookah and sipping some mint tea. They like to talk about books and anything the locals buzz about. They do not live a life of affluence, and have very few possessions, yet they manage to have connections with the ministers, the judges and the journalists. Their favorite types are Western- educated locals in search of validation. They are highly personable and intelligent, love to schmooze and one day they just vanish with no trace.

5. The Business Shark: Anytime a developing country talks privatization these guys start to show up in five star hotels, hanging out at bars and schmoozing politicians. They come bearing many gifts and know exactly what they want. They make short trips and give handsome fat tips; they are good for local escorts. Smooth operators and slick they are -- officially they are not supposed to bribe anybody, but the rival French, Italian companies are coming, so nothing wrong with showering officials with gadgets. And hell, if the official's daughter needs a scholarship, they will get one for her in any American school of their choice. If all else fails, they will get an American official to make a phone call to swing the deal their way. The trick is to keep their ignorance, arrogance, and ego in check before they ruin it for the rest of us hard working, beer guzzling Americans.

6. Those who read "Eat, Pray, Love": Italy and India tend to be the most popular destinations, with 'Bali' not quite making the 'trendy enough for my unfulfilled White self' list. They are often not as good looking as Julia Roberts, but they are in search of something meaningful in their otherwise quite affluent and comfortable lives. They worked hard throughout their life but realized it was not worth it to lose oneself in the process. Now they are out to explore the world and eat some gelato. They do not say no to anything--if they were in Finland and invited to jump in the sauna naked, they would in a heartbeat. If they were in Pakistan and asked to cover up, they would as well. They will try anything food -wise and trust fat older men who give them life- changing advice while trying to look down their shirts. The trouble with this kind is that they develop a real connection with the locals and give them hope, but once the travelers feel fulfilled they just leave--maybe they will send a post card from Seattle. They actually have everything going in their life, but find a spiritual and emotional lack in their lives and rather than trying to find their own lives in their own country they exoticize the cultures of others as being more fulfilled than theirs and think by going on a soul searching journey, while leaving behind their responsibilities, they'll find inner peace. Or get laid.

7. The language student: they're always fun as tourists, who do everything and come back fully thinking of themselves as experts on the region and country. They come to your country with a collection of flip flops, shorts and a guitar hoping to seduce one of the local girls. They have the attention span of a 3 year old, tend to smoke anything the locals give them and eat from dirty food stands claiming to be "foodies" when in fact they are just broke. Thanks to Uncle same, they got a grant to come to your country and study your language. They go back to their campus and never shut up in their political science class about their experience overseas. Not to forget the exotic blue eye necklace thing or other ornaments that are supposed to cast away evil. The language student stalk every international student on campus to brag about their tote bag they got from your home country, but then you say, "I am sorry I am not from Ghana, I am from Senegal"

[Hat Tip: Lyndsay Ford, Sana Saeed]

Follow Hani Almadhoun on Twitter: www.twitter.com/HotArabicMusic

Continue Reading...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Newseum, a DC Gem

if you ever find yourself in Washington, DC you need to go visit the newest museums in the area. Newseum if you ever cared to know about journalists, newspapers and any other news outlet this is the place for you to visit. Care about 9/11? Go see their section and the communication tower that was salvaged. Want to see a 4-D movie? They got that too, and it was amazing experience!

They have one of the world's largest all-glass elevators. But when they took us to the roof, it was the best view of the District. I wished I can have a BBQ there....it would be amazing.

Want to be in the news? you can film you own report and get the video too. hungry, they got all sorts of food. A spacious and well lit museum that is only few steps from the National Capital.
Continue Reading...

The first Arabic Ad to Get viral

Never say No to a Panda, one panda goes on a quest to terrorize those who turn down their brand.

few months ago, I saw a funny ad about cheese brand Panda, I saw it in Egypt and I think is was just another cheese brand.

But now this video of the commercial has gone viral globally...whoever designed this commercial must be promoted and I hope to see more ads from their company. So if someone tells you eat the Panda cheese, you better do... because the Panda will mess you up. Funny!

Continue Reading...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

DC's market is Awsome....for Plubmers

Here in DC plumbers have the ultimate job security, because this city will never run out of people who are completely, thoroughly, and absolutely full of Shi*. It has always been so ever since. But not to worry LA is runner up.
Continue Reading...

Mohamed Eskandar WinS!

Can a song lead to protest? popular folksy singer Mohamed Eskandar, the guy who is old enough to be grandpa released a song in May 2009 with the title Joumhoureyet Alby "The Republic of My heart" in which he tells his love that she should not get a job and sort of sit at home where she is cared for and pampered. Needless to say Lebanese women rights activist had a rally or two protesting this song and its message.

But the singer and his team outsmarted all of those critics. They released a music video for the song, where instead of singing to his girlfriend, Mohamed Eskander is telling his daughter who just graduated to chill at home. I think the music video is funny in a good way, where you can see women graduating from college, working and pampered. What girl will protest that?

I do like the semgnet of the song where the boss tries to harass the female and then her dad loses it and put s gun in the boss' mouth. Good Job Mr. Eskander

Mohamed Eskandar - Joumhoureyet Alby / محمد إسكندر - جمهورية قلبي

Continue Reading...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Arab Men Are Like Pre-Owned Cars

We Arab men are like Pre-owned cars, the previous owner (Mom) hands over the keys to the new owner (Spouse) and you really have little to say at least as much as a Prius can protest its new owner! As long as the paperwork (marriage contract) is in order, little can be done
Continue Reading...

Friday, September 17, 2010

Two Things I Notice

Why do the majority of older white females are in love sipping diet Coke and why do they have a love affair with reading John Grisham novels? Just wondering. am guessing the novels give them a bit of suspense tin their lives--just a little suspense enough to give them a thrill not a scare.
Continue Reading...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Blame It on the Economy

Again I revisit this subject, the higher the unemployment in a country, the more protests and social disturbance this country has. Many in Muslim/Arab countries faces protests and uncivil acts becasue there is a large people of unemployed men with nothing to occupy their time but to get outraged.

People have jobs are less likely to incite violence and scream at publish rallies about whatever that is pissing them off.

Withe current lousy US economy, you have the Tea party people saying the craziest stuff (Muslim Monkey God, Hispanic immigrants, black politicians, trashing white liberals)

The US had had a bad economy for about two years, what have they done so far? They burn Korans, slash cabbies drivers, piss in mosques, intimidate immigrants and so on. Imagine having a bad economy for at least adecade.....that's what most Muslims have been facing.

I think these waves xenophobia will continue as the economy continues to head downward, and only a better economy will save us and bring social harmony.

Just look at Gaza right now, Hamas facing with a weak economy, they are banning all sort of things and exposing intolerance (women cannot smoke Hooka or ride bikes, men have to wear under shirts on the beach...etc.)

all I am saying is this, "Desperate people commit desperate acts and people are people "
Continue Reading...

A Country Called Loo-Stan

Most Americans when they hear a country with the word Stan in the end, they say to themselves, "Oh, Shi*" So there it goes

My name is Hani and I am from a little country where things are always crappy, so let's call it loo-Stan. My country loo-Stan does not have many fans right now. Which kind of makes sense becasue when the situation is crappy the last thing you need is a fan.
Continue Reading...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Give Thanks

Give Thanks
By Maytha

Shot in Abu Dhabi, Cairo, Jeddah, San Francisco, Chicago, Montreal, London, Sydney, New York, Los Angeles, Philadelphia and Dubai—with some notable faces from the Muslim global community (let’s see how many you can spot)—multi-media visual artist (that’s the most general label I could get construct to include such talents as photography, film-making, editing and graphic design under one umbrella) Ridwan Adhami produces this ocularly stunning music video (I mean it doesn’t hurt that we do have some mighty fine lookers in the community) for Iraqi-Canadian artist the the Narcicyst’s “Hamdulillah” featuring Pali-Brit, best known as “The first lady of arabic hip hop,” Shadia Mansour. The song is a latest single of his new release “The Narcicyst” LP.

Continue Reading...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Muslim Man Bites a Mormon Dog


do you think this title offensive to you, funny, or whatever?

"Muslim Man Bites a Mormon Dog!"

you know they say dog bits man is not news, but man bits dog is.

Let me know what you think of this title?
Continue Reading...

Relative of the Month

Majid is my younger brother who is the tough guy in the family (he is now a family man of 4 cute little girls)

Majid has been our muscles guy for my brothers who are in business, sometimes it pays to have someone who can tell people to walk away or else.

Majid has been sort of my brother keeper, even though he is younger than I am...he always got my back in school or the street.

As kids he would hate me becasue my parents always tell him, "Why cannot be like Hani?" He was the anti-Hani....he has been to Israeli jails three times, he served in the PA quasi army in Palestine where he is still employed. He never cared for school,(Now he went back to college.

Majid called me last week and asked me to get into a business with him, he wants to start an egg laying chicken business. I told him maybe next year and that's becasue I really like both and chicken.

We do not really look alike, at all....I am older than him by a year, 4 months, and two days.
Continue Reading...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Un-American in Me

The only un-American thing I am guilty of is not drinking a coke with my burger....I know in American this is a BIG sin and it does not sit well with many friends.

Consuming sods is third to Freedom, free enterprise! Freedom rules dude.

For a guy who likes burgers, I know waiters always epect me to order a coke along with the burger....but my lack of excitement for coke, I made up for by my love to Fries.
Continue Reading...

Friday, September 10, 2010

You Know It's Eid When....

Just got back from the Eid prayer in the DC Islamic Center, here are few random thoughts on this happy occasions.

  1. Thanks Goodness for the Pakistanis who dress up and come to Eid prayer in bright and gorgeous customs. We Arabs if it was not for the Moroccans, do not have much fashion to show for.
  2. I think DSW does a lot of business around the Eid as most people coming to the mosque have nice and sparkling shows. I also think DSW hires people to come steal those shoes away from Muslims as they pray. And those the ones you see at the sale racket at the end of the store. BTW, why do all Muslim Males opt for slip-ons on day of the Eid?
  3. You know the first person to offer to shake hands with you once the prayer is over is 9 out of 10 the polygamist guy. You know he got the skills and he is never afraid to ask.
  4. You can always spot an Egyptian at the prayer service, they are the ones who talk about their father and their mom's date cookies.
  5. Palestinians never smile at the Eid prayer service. Not sure why that's!
  6. Get your Hijab wearing sisters, meet them all at the local restaurant, where they serve large portions of meat. Apparently this Eid around, Japanese grills were the place to run into your Muslims brethren.
Continue Reading...

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

How BYU Prepared Me For Married Life!

While in college, I washed dishes at the Cannon Center, I was a janitor floors at the Morris Center, and worked at the university's Laundry's services.

Those are the three skills that Roa now appreciates the most about me...that's in essence what a husband can bring to their home. Wash the dishes, mop the floor, and do the laundry!

Thankfully I am no stranger to the game, I have a wealth of experience to draw from. and to be frnak I think I am better than avergage husbands at those tasks.
Continue Reading...

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Speaking of Bad Ideas

A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend....that's sad, but in my friends' case it's a tragedy.

Whatever you do, never hook up with your dry cleaner...I do not care how good looking she is. do not do it. AVOID at all costs especially if you live in a building and she/he runs the dry cleaner store.

You cannot escape it, she is your only choice to get your dirty laundry clean....from the clothes you wear she/he will know if you spilled something on them. she/he will be able to find out what kind of food you eat and all that jazz. you will be ambrsed to tell her where you got those stains.

Heck she might do voodoo for you through your clothes. Sure you can avoid her/him and never dry clean your shirts...your co-workers will hate you and start a Facebook group to try to get you to take a shower.

what do I know, I will wait to her your adventure. Ut's ever worse if this person also sings for your packages....Go ahead and order that special magazine...oh boy!
Continue Reading...

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Letters to Juliet

Letters to Juliet is yet another American movie set in Italy and talks about falling in love. Every Italian in the movie is a page of the stereotypical Italian figures. In this movie, Italians are either good cooks, making you awesome pasta, vine owners making tasty wine, or passionate love angels. Gosh I hate be a single Italian accountant, who doesn't drink doesn't know how to cook and doesn't own a cute vespa. They never make movies about those. Like the peaceful Muslim who wants to bake a batch of cookies.
Continue Reading...

The Expendables Pay For What You Get for Free

The Expendables is a new movie, the latest American movie about good, handsome and fun loving American special military unit that goes around and kill bloody, violent, money loving Arabs. Even the only non-Arab but yet evil character in the movie was incidentally named General Gaza! Really? Here is What I do not get, why do I need to pay for this when I can just watch Fox News?

Déjà vu....
Continue Reading...

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

7 Girls Arab Guys Hit On

I love picking on Arab guys (13 Arab Men You Should Never Date, 7 Arab Guys You Should be Marrying right Now). I’m like the U.S. Army in some ways. My posts are less deadly though so they’ve been taking all my jabs in good stride. Arab guys are fun to study. They’re so weird. This is especially so when it comes to dating and marriage — two barely related activities for Arab men (the women they date are only rarely the women the marry — and YOU are likely not the exception). Here is my list on the type of girls that seem to attract the attention of Arab men. I base this list on personal observations, scientific research, and studying Arab male mating seasons.
  1. The white girl from Arabic class She wanted a tutor and he wanted a study buddy from the opposite sex to boost his confidence in this new land (and he’s taking Arabic for the same reason). It’s more of friends-with-benefits since he’s just looking for female companionship and she wants the good grade. When he dreams about her, he doesn’t see them running through green fields, he sees a Green Card, and sex. She may start to see a different green: Ay-rab money green. Things go great until she completes her foreign language requirement. A few months later she dumps his broke, hairy ass, to which he can only respond “ilhas.” Four months is better than none, so he begins searching for summer Arabic courses.
  2. The activist She is cool, smart and not judgmental, at all. Meaning, she’d screw anything. He’s glad to play the exotic Arab bit. She’s the closest thing to the Hollywood depiction of a woman who will go home with a man after meeting for the first time. He spotted her at the local falafel shop and remembered her from some protest a year ago (because Arab men remember seeing people like that. I swear). She is very informed and sympathetic to the cause. He tells her, “hey, they are screening this new documentary movie, would you like to go with me?” The next date is to hear a speech by Norm Finkelstein. At the local Indian restaurant he finds out the hard way that she is a vegetarian! That is an enormous turn-off. He eventually gets sick of all the super intellectual conversation 24/7. Things fall apart when she leaves to Ramallah for an International Solidarity Movement trip. She moves on and has no regrets getting into her next Mohammaden fling.
  3. The girls at the club who asked for a smoke Nothing to do in the little town and fresh off the boat, he sees a Latina and she’s total hotness. She sees him as possibly-Latino but more garlicky. She asks if he’s got a cigarette, a major green light. Their major beef is the classic Arab-Latino debate: “You know I love Shakira, she is Arab.” She always yells back, “NO! She is not, habeebee.” It’s extremely fun and Latinas can be easily mistaken for Arab girls, which comes in handy when the accidental Facebook photo goes up. But her inexplicable Catholicism becomes and eventual deal-breaker. But that’s cool. he was never going to marry her anyways. She was just way too much fun.
  4. Flirt-to-Convert Prospect She comes to the Friday prayer services and she wears a head cover, you think she is interested in Islam and she tells she would convert if she married a Muslim guy. Sounds like serious marriage material, right? He even starts checking in with the parents back in Yemen to see if they will be cool with it, before even talking to the girl. Since she’s got Sami Yousef on her iPod, he thinks he found love. She is smart and good looking, but something isn’t quite right about her. It could be she was playing Muslim as part of her class study experiment, or she was just a little nutty. If she converts and dons the niqab, it’s the latter.
  5. OMG Sana is not Arab! She looks like an Arab, she talks like an Arab, but she isn’t. She’s kind of like the halal version of the Latina. Actually she may be cooler than most Arabiyyat because she’s got less crazy hang-ups and anxieties. So, it could work. Most Arab men will initiate conversations with Sana, captivated by the enigma of her ethnic origins but immediately turn away once they find out she’s actually of Kashmiri extract. But, she’s cool with it. She is, after all, better looking than all Arabs and comes with less drama and less make up, or so she thinks. The risk is he gets scared by how much of the Koran she’s got memorized, the perfection of her Arabic pronunciation and he throws her in the friend zone.
  6. The fellow intern Though most college men think they will get nothing out of an internship, because they know everything already, they hoped for this. Working along side him, or possibly seen as an event for interns, he spots her. She’s as novice and clueless as he is, so maybe he actually can impress her. Their both away from home and lonely, and that’s the secret to his new found charms. She is either from his home country or from Lebanon; while they never really date, they always do stuff and people start talking around the office. He may want to do the right thing and meet her parents, but they know he still has to pay college loans. They’ve got a charming physician lined up for her, but she is going to marry that handsome lawyer instead. She is a lot better looking than he was anyways. Being in close quarters all summer fooled them into love.
  7. The home girl After all else failed, this one can be found at the local church or mosque, community event or family-friend party (ideally she’s friend, not family). But they really cannot rush love, but their moms can so hitting on is actually encouraged by the parents. Sad but true. In fact, if he does not hit on her, his mother will say some mean shit: “Your hair is turning grey,” “you are balding,” “Your grandma thinks you like boys” or “I’m very sick and this is my last wish.” None of this is true, but screwing with his head gets him to act. And one day he spots her at a relative’s wedding and since they have a mutual friend, it kind of just happens. Congrats. Game Over. You Lose!

[Tarboush Tip: Sana, Will]

Continue Reading...


My Hanitizer

My Assault on Proper English Must Go On


Hanitizer Copyright © 2009 WoodMag is Designed by Ipietoon for Free Blogger Template