Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My Gay Green Card

US immigration Agencies now will accept applications for Green Card from gay couples. No more discrimination and denial of their applications. Finally gays can get green cards, they just do not like the color green, the want to call it peach card. It used to be that the having a green card makes you gay, now gays can get green cards and b gay about it.

Per This story
Married bi-national same sex couples scored a victory Monday when the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) announced that it would no longer deny their green card applications.
The new guidance means that LGBT couples with spouses from abroad will be able to apply for citizenship while the courts decide on the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).
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15 Symptoms of Arabitis*

[inflammation of one’s Arabness]

  1. Severe allergic reactions, such as wheezing, rashes, vomiting and headaches, to Fox News and/or Glenn Beck
  2. A hoarse and sore throat after demonstrations
  3. Paranoid fears and delusions, including ringing ears, when others are talking about you
  4. Swelling of the hands from over-gesturing during conversation
  5. Prolonged erection and dream-like trance when Arab people depose a dictator (side effect of over-consumption of TV news)
  6. Abnormally long pinky fingernail
  7. Inflated feeling of self-importance when given a sound bite in local TV news report.
  8. Suicidal thoughts or rage when cut off on the highway or publicly humiliated
  9. Over-exaggerated Arabic accent when speaking English
  10. Short-term amnesia when friends loan you money
  11. Tightness in the chest when Republican presidential candidates talk about Islam, or any American politician talks about Israel.
  12. Increased sweating and nervousness when asked to donate to a Muslim charity
  13. Trouble sleeping when an Arab country is attacked
  14. Parsley teeth syndrome.
  15. Compulsive need to lecture about any subject regardless of one’s familiarity or knowledge

[Tarboush Tip: Will, Nadeem]

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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Journalists Make Everything Sexy

Nothing wrong with American journalists writing about the Middle East, some of the finest books about the Middle East have been written by reporters. But now I am not sure that those reporters are the best voices on the conflict. For one reason and one reason only, in their effort to explain complex concepts to average Joe's in the States, those writer simplify the conflicts in the middle East. Thus giving an incomplete image of the conflict in the Middle East, the soundbites and the dummies version.

On another note, they are good writers, they can make anything sound exciting and exotic... and sometimes sensational. I was reading a book about back home and the way they writer (He used to work for the NYT and NPR) wrote the book, it made me think he is talking about some other place. somewhere awesome where I wish I can live. I am sure there are good intentions behind it, but I would rather read a book written by a first person and not someone who stays in a five star hotel and sips a five dollar coffee beverage.

Books written by activist can also be too dark, too sad to the degree you really want to kill yourself and if that' does not happen at least you will feel bad for a really long time. you will feel guilty becasue no one can give you a guilt tour as well an activist can.
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Friday, March 25, 2011

One More Reason to be Late to Work

So yesterday morning, as I was opening the office as I tend to do every morning, the full spring is here and the trees are looking awesome. I tun on the lights and open the doors, then I go to the main even room and open the curtains to let the natural light in. And there it was....

an older homeless lady was squatting in front of my eyes, reliving herself right in front of my own eyes and her boyfriend was on the lookout right next to here. Our eyes connected...and she could care less, I wanted to vomit at that moment.

Here is this fancy DC building where ambassadors and even a member of the Obama cabinet lives and there is this poor woman taking one giant dump just outside. She left her stuff behind and I had to look at/think about it all day long. Maybe I should have went late to work, I would not have had to seen that scene.

I feel my senses were ambushed with this scenic.

Sorry people I had to share...
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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Perfect Seven: Arab Men Your Mom Wants You to Marry

The Perfect Seven: Arab Men Your Mom Wants You to Marry

  1. The Gulfie (but only if he will put some property in your name and agrees never to bring you a second wife). Arabs from the gulf have long had the stereotype of being the human versions of cash, with a few cultural eccentricities built-in. We all know this is mostly, but not all true. Your mom doesn’t know any better. So if a Saudi guy starts to take interest in you, be warned, she may start to see him as her retirement fund and ticket to the posh life.

  2. The Palestinian. As long as he is not from Gaza, your mom sees “Palestinian” as code for engineer or doctor. Plus, he’s as a charity case even if he’s an upper-cruster from Ramallah who thinks there is no Israeli occupation. On average, he has a can-do-attitude, is respectful of his elders and makes a mean maklooba. He is the village son from a “good family” who is an engineer looking for a green card and English lessons. Downside: he is not the one to apologize and the eternal victim act gets tired.

  3. The lawyer. He is smart, carries on good conversations, has a decent job and knows how to get you off the no-fly list if necessary. Moms may not get what lawyers do, but they know it’s prestigious here, as opposed to being a shit job no one wanted back home. Of course he is a good dresser who has more suits than your mother has (real) teeth. But 90% of what comes out of his mouth is hot air. Usually, he’s so good with words that you and your mom are fooled. But your grandmother sees right through him. Too bad no one listens to her anymore because she’s right on this one.

  4. The doctor. This bastard should be in the number one position. He is the god of marriage for Arab moms. She will show him more love and attention in one visit than she showed your father in 30 years of marriage. He is the gold standard of potential hubbies. You may not want to marry him because his breath smells like ass and he’s an overworked, inattentive, self-aggrandizing pharmaceutical company whore. But your mom looks at him like she’s in full-on cougar mode.

  5. The business owner. He is one Mercedes away from being your mom’s leading contender. He is hard-working, entrepreneurial (by definition) and always stressed out about the bottom-line. Somehow, if he found the way to meet your family, he’d be able to sell himself perfectly. He’d pitch himself like he was pushing 50 units of widgets. But at every family gathering he’d be hustling the room for quick money schemes. His initial charm wears out but everyone somewhat respects his hustle, especially when he adroitly takes care of whatever your mom ever needs in just a few phone calls.

  6. The government worker. He is not the smartest in the bunch, but has two benefits: 1. when she goes back to the old country and says her son-in-law works for the American government, it sounds important. Forget the fact that he shuffles paper from one part of his desk to another all day and cannot help your mom get any of her friends or family visas. 2. He has semen and can raise kids in a stable setting. Plus, he has a lot of time to raise them. He is never the top choice, but is just plain acceptable even if he’s BOR-ing.

  7. The cousin or family friend. Your mom knows everything about him because she probably changed his diapers. Forget that you grew up like brother and sister. Even if things grew creepy post-puberty, you still were cool, but never marriage cool. And if he ended up being a weirdo who you avoided, you still cannot deny you used to run around together. But marriage? WTF! When you heard it as kids, you probably thought it was typical Adult bullshit. Oh no, my friend.

Remember, though, the single most important criterion for your mother when it comes to who you spend the rest of your life with is: what other people think/say about it.

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Monday, March 21, 2011

My Defination of Eternity

Eternity: is how long it takes for an old person to get the money out of their purse and make a payment at the checkout line.
Eternity: is how long it takes to get a baby stop crying when you really need to sleep in the middle of the night.
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Happy Mothers' Day

Happy mothers' day to all of you mothers out there and if you are not a mother, call your and wish her a happy mother's day. Give her cash, it's better and then cash can buy whatever she wants. But make sure you are nice about it, you is worth more than what you think.

Happy Mother's day ya om mazin!

عاصي الحلاني ودريد لحام ومصطفي الخاني بـ رضاكي يامو

Hamada Helal - Ba7bk Ya Omy حماده هلال - بحبك يا امى /
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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Countries on My Black List

  1. Saudi Arabia for sending its troops to kill protesters in Bahrain, really guys! They spend billions of dollars on weapons, they never fire at anyone but peaceful protesters @ home and in Bahrain. Shame! If anything this Sunni majority country likes to do is to make sure no Shiite walks around with pride. Watch their cowardly action on this video
  2. The clowns in Syria, they are sending arms via ships to bail out the tyrant of Tripoli, and have sent a number of pilots to help bombs the protesters in Libya. They love to point fingers at Israel, but they are willing to kill civilians too. Politically, they have been trying to stop the Arab league from undermining Qaddafi and his agents.
  3. Turkey, this country is a democracy and a Muslim one indeed that till few days ago had the respect of all Arabs and Muslims. As a NATO member, the leaders of this countries who have been granted awards from the tyrant of Tripoli have been defending him and asking others not to interfere. Slowing down the process till their boy Qaddafi gets a grip on the country.
  4. Hamas in Gaza in public, they say they are supporting the protests in Palestine to end the division between Gaza and the West Bank, in realty they are using brutal tactics and beating up protesters using tugs and civilian dressed security officers. Not strange on these guys who have used fire power to stop anyone who dares to defy them.
  5. Italy, China, and Germany for plotting to undermine any effort to put sanctions on the Qaddafi regime, for asking to give him more time as he pounds the protesters, kills civilians and spread lies and fear. Those cheap oil guzzlers will have to pay somehow. China fears what's coming for them as protests might break out there. The hooker guy in Italy wants some sweet oil deals. Germany, doesn't want to pay for anything.
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Monday, March 14, 2011

Year 2011 When Arabs Are Thinner and Healthier

To be frank, many of my Arab peers can be described as round! And i know every year people make a new year resolution to drop few pounds. If you have not noticed, most your fellow Arabs will look a lot lighter this year. Many have dropped one pound after another and we did not have to go to the gym or cut back on anything. Many look a lot healthier we have one thing to thank for that change.

The Secret, you ask?

The brewing revolutions in the Arab world are to blame for that healthy makeover. We had a month to Watch Tunisia, 19 days to Watch Egypt and Four weeks watching Libya and we are not done yet. Watching the news from Arabia is like a never ending roller coaster ride. We wake up to the news, glued to Aljazeera, and we fall to sleep to the tunes of the various news shows commenting on the situation and the latest development. Many non Arabs like my friend Jeremy have experienced weight loss. Who needs the biggest loser?
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Friday, March 11, 2011

The Dog That Loved Me

On my way to work today, just like everything there are many dogs walking in pride with their half sleep owners along the streets of the nation's capital. This morning it was different...the dogs seemed to get crazy when they see me! A lot more crazy than usual.

They start parking and want to run toward me (Thanks goodness for the leashes) I was surprise by this sudden attention and I did not think of it until I noticed the third dog really wanted to come at me. Then I knew I got a problem. Why would these creatures want to come to me? I do not even like them and as far as I can tell I am not in some American jail designated for terrorists.

I was thinking hard, could it be something in my shoe? could it be my fragrances? and then it hit me...I know why!

The dogs love me becasue in my pocket I had a stash of pastrami slices! And unlike the other cold cuts, pastrami has a strong scent, I am guessing the dogs can smell it and therefore they want to come to uncle Hani for a treat. No, that was my lunch not there snack.

there you have it, some people tell you do not drink and drive, I tell you do not store pastrami slices in your coat.
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Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Baltimore, Charm City

I took the day off on Monday and Roa and I headed to Baltimore, the Charm city. We spent this sunny day on the world famous inner harbor. We took the train from College Park Maryland and 50 minutes later we were in Baltimore City. By the Way, I only knew this city existed becasue I watched the movie the Sum of All Fears when the US President is watching a game in one of the city's historical stadiums.

They had great shops, awesome city view, and the water view was spectacular. Baltimore feels like Philadelphia to me, it still has tons of history around and not much change has happened in many of its historical buildings unlike DC and Virginia.

We looked for good crab cakes, but no good crab cakes place was to be found near the touristy stuff. Instead we settled for my all time favorite Sandwich place Jimmie Jones and order their Beach sub, we ate it on the water. Surrounded by various sea and land birds. I should take more days off, I do not hardly take enough days off.

Few of the attraction were closed on Monday and on this time of the year, they are all gearing up for April when the harbor opens and tourists start showing up. But there was plenty of nice walks, boats, and fun seeking people.

It's unfortunate however, you can hardly miss the affect of the bad economy on this once great American city.
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Friday, March 04, 2011

Meet The Charlie Sheen of Arabia

American comedian actor Charlie Sheen has been making the news all for the wrong reasons. He is been linked to rowdy behavior, prostitutes, drinking and possibly drug activities. You can say, Charlie is on a self destruct mode and somebody needs to save the funny man. Watch his interview here

Giving strange and awkward answers has been a very common thing for Charlie. But dozens of celebrities before him went down that path, while some came back, others have not. Charlie is one of favorite funny actors who seem to have taken his on screen character from Two and Half Men to the real world.
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Tuesday, March 01, 2011

The Fifteen Lies of Arab Dictators

With Gaddafi on the ropes, and Ben Ali and Mubarak relegated to the history books, we are getting a better sense of the delusions that Arab dictators propagate to justify their authoritarian powers.

Usually, the first big lie is something like, “I do not want to be president, I am just doing this for you.” They all think they’re benevolent despots, or at least they like pretending to be. That lie’s an obvious one, no one cracks down on dissent, rapes their country’s resources and puts billboards of himself all over the country out of the good of his heart. So we will include the more interesting lies in our 18 point list:
  1. If I go down, Al Qaeda and extremists will take over the country (which is SO MUCH worse than the extreme idiots in power now)
  2. The country will go into civil war and break apart (as they effectively attack protesters and try to turn the country against them)
  3. Life is good for my people! (despite 40% unemployment and everyone complaining in private all the time)
  4. The economy will collapse (even if it is oil-based or barely functioning already)
  5. The protests are an American-Israeli conspiracy (even used by allies of the US)
  6. My people love me!!!!!!! (as much as they love the plague)
  7. I promise major reforms (bigger prisons!)
  8. The protesters are all foreigners. See we caught one with a foreign passport! (she works for IHOP)
  9. I love this country too much to actually listen to the people who live here (just like those Kosher hot dogs, I answer to a higher authority)
  10. The opposition drinks, gives people free money and uses crazy drugs (because they have no legitimate qualms whatsoever)
  11. I have done so much for this country (a monkey at a typewriter could have done a better job)
  12. The protests are Facebook/the internet/Al Jazeera’s fault (no, it’s your’s)
  13. I’ll step down at some named date in the future (yeah, right)
  14. I am not the president, I do not have any real authority (yeah, just like those really old Wal-Mart door greeters)
  15. I am in firm control of the country! (if you exclude my obnoxious family )
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