Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Bring Crazy Back

In the local Safeway grocery store, there is a note that reads "If you find a mistake in our receipt, we will give you the item for free" sounds nice. However, the note further read "excluding purchases made on drugs and alcoholic beverages" This is such a shame because whoever made the exception to the rule is a Moron, it is not like people who are buying drugs and alcohol are alert to catch such a mistake on the receipt. Maybe they are trying to make a statement that wasted and druggy people cannot be trust.

I was at the local bookstore Borders and on the shelves, among the millions of books, I saw a book titled "How to shake hands, hug, kiss and greet in Latin America" I do not know about you, but do not we all know how to do that already? Walk anywhere and you will most likely see a Latin greeting someone and it is hand shakes, just go for the kisses. Why would you need a book for that? For crying out loud there are more than 40 million Latinos in this country, why do not you just ask one of them? And save the price of the book?

The thing about credit cards vs. debit cards is tricky. Why is it when you spend your money on a debit card, they ask you to use a pin password which is more sophisticated procedure than the signature required when you use a credit card i.e. when you are spending the bank's money not yours. So again, in the US, it is much easier to spend people's money than your own. What are the credit card companies trying to tell us? Maybe that they have tons of money and they do not care to take security measures to keep their money safe, but when it comes to your few nickels and dimes, they want you to be careful. Maybe the fact that they have so much money has something to do with not caring to ask for a pin password.

I love it when medicines go on do a sale, venders expect people to buy more of something or that the products are to be discontinued...First I do not want to wish people ill by encouraging them to buy more medicines and I do not think people would want to buy drugs that are being discontinued. And remember, cold medicine go on sale only in the summer time, who gets a cold in the summer? Maybe in Alaska. These possibilities are scary. What is the point of selling drugs for cheap?

Plus, if you call it COLD medicine, why do not you keep it in the fridge? and Remember my roommate Clay used to say, Keep your HOT sauce away from the Fridge

The one industry that always has American flags and patriotic lines in their products is the Dry Clean industry. Whenever, I pick my shirts, there are always wrapped in American flag plastic, or come with statements such as We Support out Troops, which is all great. However, knowing that most dry cleaners in the metro area are owned by Koreans and Chinese is strange giving the flag power.

Almost all Arab traditional dances and modern involve carrying a weapon. In Oman and Morocco, they dance carrying daggers, in Egypt they dance with a stick, in Palestine, they dance with guns, in Lebanon, they use sticks, in the gulf, and they use swords. Why? It is not like any of the Arabs need any bad PR. What does this say about us? Are we trying to have it both ways, saying yes, I can shake IT, but I still can kick your butt?

Why is that more fashion companies are making shirts and clothing with pictures on hot and gorgeous celebrities printed all over them. I do not know if I want that kind of attention. By wearing a hot celebrity t-shirt with the picture of some soccer player or Shakira if you are a girl, people will tent to compare you with them. Hani, you do not look at fit as the guy from Real Madrid. Or that girl's hips do lie unlike Shakira's hip "Hips do not lie" I want a picture of some fat dude, with a beer belly that would make me look good. Get Real.

I was thinking the other day, how do you fire a lobbyist? Really, the person that gets paid to change people's mind. If they manage to get their job back then you would have to hire them again because they did a great job lobbying you for their jobs. If they do not lobby for their job back, then you do not want them to work there in the first place.

The term, I have friends in high places, means that you know people who can make things happen, or that your friends in high places are dead.
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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Memorial Day In DC....

Right before the show on Monday, I went around in DC museum scene and enjoyed the places DC has to offer because it was Memorial Day there was tons to things to see and do, parades, and museums. I went to my friend Lindsay to the Natural Science Museum--where they have animals I guess. We also went to the native Indian museum which was really cool and I enjoyed the unique design of the building. Afterward, we went to Chinatown for some Chinese cuisine and I cannot say no to Orange Chicken nor to General Tsao Chicken. I was a great meal then we talked to Union Station check out the shops and kill time till the show. Right before the show I went to a bookstore in DuPont Circle and read some, it was nice. The club where I was performing was only three blocks away from the bookstore; it was nice walk in humid DC summer. Here are some pictures for you.
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DC Shows

So, last night was my second show for the weekend here in DC, my other one on Saturday and both went well. I have gotten so many positive feedbacks and laughs in both shows not to say that I did not have to patch some jokes up and reintroduce them.

The Saturday was in a lounge and a bar scene in downtown Washington DC, there was good audience who was there for the show. There were about ten comics and it was a contest, until now I do not know how won, but probably it would not be me. On Saturday the comics many of them were vulgar and offensive on so many levels, some were even explicit and graphic, something I do not find in myself. I was told by some of the audience, including my friend Lindsay and Nawer and his wife Camille that I good a good feedback, but remember they are my friends they won't tell me the truth. When I watched the other comics, I was like "what the heck I cannot believe this, what is she or he talking about" Some of the comics even had notes and were reading from them. I thought my comic club back, at BYU Humor U were much professional and funnier than many on the Saturday crowd. I honestly, felt that the Saturday crowd was tough and someone was paying them not to laugh. But I felt good about the routine, although some of my jokes are much funnier in Utah than here and the other way around. Take for example the "No, senor, I do not see any Arabs here" in Utah that was it wasn't so, still good though. In that night there were a number of Jewish comics who had great material and I laughed so hard, but the audience was like "So what?" I really thought the audience could do better and give some courtesy to people trying to entertain them.

There was an older white couple sitting in the front, these guys won't stop laughing at my jokes even when everyone was like "What?" I felt confidence by looking at these guys; I do not have reasons to believe that they had too much to drink.

On Monday show, I loved it. I liked the audience and the sitting, it was in a coffee show and there was a mix of people on racial and age background, something I came to love. I had four friends join me there and show support. The comics were all college age and were fun. Lots of female comics, although I still think Andrea my friend from BYU tops them all. They comics were great, some where testing new material which I have learned to be dangerous. Some of the jokes were great and even gave me ideas for new material. There was a great comic who did impersonation and he was my favorite. A lot of the comedians come from improve background and have done this before and always looking for participation for the audience which is important to get people's attention. I came to be the second to last, so I started my routine and I can tell that the audience was much better than the ones on Saturday night. This club is based on DuPont Circle in the heart of Washington DC. I had to make fun of my co worker who was laugi8ng like crazy and tell the audience that she is my sister. After I was done, an older white man smiled upon me and told me good job "what is it about older white men and me?" When I was about to leave the guy who coordinates the event asked me to come back and do some more stand up with them, he was pleased and I guess I liked the place and atmosphere. So I might be doing it again.

A thought, I think, the guys at Humor U club back at BYU were much more respectful of other people, ethnicities and preferences. Some of the comics I saw were offensive and I know they know that, but what makes them think they can get a way with it? I ma not sure, but this is just a note.
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Palestine Israel Dialouge Group

This is more on the serious side, this pas week I took part of a dialogue group with some DC based Palestinians, Saudis, Lebanese and Israelis and some Americans. A member of the board of the organization where I work had to persuade me to go and participate in the conversation; it was in West Virginia, about 3 hours way from Washington DC, in a retreat center. The people in charge of this dialogue are all PhD in conflict resolution and management in campuses around DC area.

There were about 15 of us, and we drove in separate cars. I really was not feel it because on the same day, the Israelis were bombing my town, but it took 3 people half a day to convince me to go (they even paid all my expenses)

During the weekend, we had a chance, to talk, argue, make meals, eat and play volleyball with the Israelis; some even were smoking together--something I did not take part of. But I did make some points needed to be made to the Israelis, and I did listen. The only thing I learned from the Israelis is something I did not know existed in this degree. Man, the Israelis really fear us. By us, I mean the Arabs and Palestinians. For real, they have so much fear from us that we will push them to the see. I never thought some people with the fourth strongest military in the world and nuclear programs and war driven government would have so much fear, but I was wrong. I thought when they spoke of fear on TV, they wanted sympathy, maybe they did, but now I know they have fears.

I have also learned of the diversity among the Israeli society, so many of them do not agree or come together, they have different agendas and visions for the place they call Israel. In away I do admire the diversity in them because some of those who attended were Jewish and Israeli and all served in the army, but still have different ideas about the Palestinians. Most of them however, were raised in right wing families where one does not speak of the P word (that's Palestine)

Here are few sound bits of some points I made.

-When the Israelis ganged up on the Palestinian lady who is from the inside that would be an Israeli citizens who happens to be a Palestinian. They were questioning her loyalty and her allegiance to Israel. She defended herself well, but I stood up for her by saying "Guys, you should not question people's loyalty, this is not you. The Nazis and the Fascistic did this and this is what some Arab regimes do to make it difficult for Arab Jews to stay where they are. I know this is beneath you"

-They were saying the Arabs need to recognize us before anything; they should have done this and that. We told them that they offered to do that many occasions including the Saudis. The Israelis said that's not enough. I have had it by then, I said "Guys, do not push us too far, some of your Jewish Rabbis does not even recognize your "little Jewish State" do not ask too much too soon"

-They also brought to our attention that the Palestinian are smuggling weapons from rafah and not respecting their agreements by brining in more guns. I snapped and I said respectfully, "do not say weapons, it is not like you can smuggle tanks and other heavy duty machines" "They might be smuggling weapons, but look they are shooting each other with them," and I know this is not something that worries you!

-Oh, Hamas want to push us to the sea, they want us dead, we are weak! I proclaimed, wow, you guys the 4th largest military in the world can be pushed to the sea with some fireworks (that's what I call the homemade rockets) the homemade rockets have killed more Palestinians than Israelis.

-They also made the case that Israel cannot trust any Arab country on its borders because Arabs will help Arabs go train in Iran and places to hurt Israel, they were skeptical of the Egyptians allowing Palestinians to go to train army style. I told them of my story at the borders where the Israelis cleared me to ravel and leave the strip, but the Egyptians were the ones kept me in the Strip by not letting me get into Egypt out of fear that I might be a threat. So in face the Israelis with all their sophisticated technologies did not have a problem with me, but the Egyptians saw something else. I was finally allowed to leave the Strip and get to Egypt after they did their research.

-Overall, it much harder for the Israelis to get in our shoes, but it was easier for us to make their arguments. I think because we hear it in the media almost all the time. They were the emotional one this time, not the Arabs and Arabs did not have much disagreement which is rare.

-For me, it was important to really listen to what their argument was which have either taut me something I did not know or have taught me to improve my argument which what happened.

-I have also learned that the Israelis do not like nor ready to talk about a one state solution, they do not want to think about it. When I brought it up, it was like “you would be fine with that?” I said sure, but it was like the heard this for the first time in their lives.

-The Israelis do not care much for the history of the conflict nor do they understand it, but for the Palestinains history is still alive and close to memory, that is an area where communication is important and both parties do not need to get caught in the past and what happend then and I know it is painful for both espcially for my people.

-I think peace is possible only if both sides curb the extremists and uproot them. For the Palestinians to uproot the extremists is important to gain the Israeli trust and get land once this trust been established. For the Israelis uprooting their extremists (settlers and such) is essential to gain the Palestinians’ trust and help them uproot the extremists among them. The existence of an extremists group on one side justifies and fuels the existence of a counter group on the opposite side. I realize this is dangerous for both leaders because it is dangerous for a Palestinian leader to be labeled as a traitor or someone who gives in easily or jail, punish, or even, kill their own people who the Israelis would love to see dead. The same goes to the Israelis; do not want to see little returns for their "investment" by giving the land back. That is the area where Saddat failed the most.

-Language was a problem because people make the arguments using words and names the other party is not comfortable with. Names of towns were important and using Arabic names or Hebrew name kind of indicates a claim on that town. For example, when the Israelis would say "Israel gave Gaza...." I reminded the Israelis to say give "back" not just give, this is important to many Palestinians to hear and it does make a different in your attitude.

-Bottom line, Israelis were looking to get something in order to trust the Palestinians and the Palestinians wanted to get something to be trusted. So the problem was not that they both need the same thing, the problem is that they both want the same things at the time. For the Palestinians, to get something from the Israelis comes first and for the Israelis to get something from the Palestinians first and giving them trust comes second and here is why Oslo failed in my humble opinion.

At the end I did some Stand Up Comedy for the group and it went well, went well means they understood my English and laughed. I enjoyed it because I had to test some of my material outside Utah, and boy it was good, some humor is global.
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Monday, May 21, 2007

Jamba Juice Mix

-What is the deal with restaurants chains pricing items with pig products way cheaper with items that do not include them? For example, a turkey bacon sub sells for 3.99 but the turkey along sub sells for 4.99. I mean it does not make sense, the one with bacon is cheaper, should be a great deal, but I do not eat bacon for religious purposes (and bacon stinks). It makes me always order a turkey bacon sub and telling the "Sandwich artist" not to include the bacon. I further mention "If you want to throw some extra turkey, I won't hold it against you" so my whole covet operation saves me a buck, that is 7$ a week. I offer the sandwich artist to keep the bacon and eat it on his/her own or even give it to their dog.

-I love it when I cut myself and bleed, not because I like to see blood or like to torture myself, it is much more simple really. By losing blood, I have to eat more food to compensate for all the lost blood. So there you have it, one more reason to get some food in without feeling guilty.

-Sing Language is on of the most racist languages out say a Jew one points to the chin area and moves hand around it to indicate a beard...and much more...I wonder how do they say an Arab? Show a built and then gesture hands in the air to indicate an explosion? Or how do you show an African American (I do not want to go there) or how to show an Asian, best would be to show with hands that you are driving like crazy! Just a thought.

-An electrician came to my house with the company called "Accent Electricians" he came to fix some problem the landlady wanted him to take care of. But by the time he was done the house was smelling like a fire and looks like the electrician has screwed up. Now my landlady should have known better not to hire someone from the "Accent electricians" the name alone accent means different, unconventional what is wrong with the conventional electricians? accent also means someone is foreign, when it comes to my electricity I want someone who can understand clearly and surely what the problem is.

-Last weekend I spent it with a group of Jewish students in West Virginia, we had the entire weekend to talk, this might be hard for me as a Palestinian, but talking to the Jewish students was the easy part, to get them to agree on what kind of blessing the food should have was the big issue. It took them about 20 minutes to figure out the right and proper format to bless the food, the bread and their wine. By the time they were done I was ready to collapse.

-One of the Israeli girls whom I attended a workshop with was bragging about how many men she has slept with and she was naming them and ranking their performance. The Americans, The Latinos, The Persians...the list goes one. So I told her that she represent a mini Israel, he life is a metaphor for the state of Israel.In a a way she screwed the United Nation and went on to talk about it.

-When I fly with American airlines, I am sure to do profiling and they check my background which is fine. So the least thing I expect them to know is my faith, they are aware that I am a Muslim, but to screw with them, I order a Kosher meal. So these guys would be like why would a Muslim order a Kosher meal? is he not very religious? Do you know how much emotional distress this put on them? They would spend hours talking about this issue? Could it be that he wants his last meal to be Jewish before he goes up or down? Or could it be for distraction purposes? Honestly, I do not think these guys need to worry much because airlines do not give you food these days. But why would they ask about my dietary need, if it was irrelevant or if they were not going to use it in the first place?

-I think people need to encourage their faiths to compete and introduce better services, honestly no one wants to go to Church for five, four or three hours like some Churches do...I think one hour should be the standard, if the Church is willing to cut the hour short that's fine, but nothing more than an hour. I think this makes marketing a religion much more attractive and a whole lot easier. Hey, the Catholic said one hour, what does your religion say? "Ohh, hours have drive through church services" See, if religions compete you win.

-Jamba Juice and my Jamba juice, it is not what you think, Smoothie King is great, but I like my JJ. That would be Jamba Jews

-Here is an advice, if you have an Israeli roommate who is prone to eating your food from the fridge, go a head any buy some Palestinian flag and put them on your food, by this the Israeli will think this is poison or anti-Israeli food so they will not eat it. Side affects, your food might be tossed in the trash, but it will never be eaten by your Israeli roommate.

-My friend Rouhi has a GPS system in his car, it is funny and strange because he is not used to a woman telling him what to do, the lady voice in the GPA is for a woman names Jill. He kept ignoring her advice because according to him Jill does not avoid dirt roads, he kept on ignoring her for some time and doing his own thing. A minute later Jill screamed and said "It looks like English is a problem, let's try another language" "German, Danish...etc." by now Rouhi was cussing at the GPS company and then Jill started talking back. Whatever Rouhi said, Jill would say back "Damn you Jill" she would say "Damn YOU"....etc. I blame Rouhi for buying this device because it was the most advanced technology in the market. The thing with Jill is the fact that it is racist, you may ask why. Here is why Jill did not have any Asian languages , perhaps the Asian are bad drivers, but that does not mean we give up on them, they probably need direction like no other.

-I walked into a subway restaurant in our way to West Virginia and the poster there said, free membership at Gold's Gym. I was like great, wow, but then I thought about it, it is not the ones who eat at subway that concern us and need to go the gym, it is the ones who eat cross the street at that greasy place who could use that best. Frankly, I am not concerned for the health of those who eat at Subways.

-On the road to our destination, I saw a huge solar station for Beyond Petroleum or (BP) and this name itself actually concerns me. What if other companies started doing the same thing by naming their company names that could affect their products negatively. Nike called itself beyond shoes...what barefoot? Microsoft, beyond Windows? a Mac? Universities call themselves beyond education...more education? a radio station starts using the tag line, Beyond radio...say TV?

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Monday, May 14, 2007

New DC Show

Words in, will be performing Stand Up with the DC comedy club "The Recession Lounge" this coming May 26. I am excited for this show and promise to have a good time. Here are the directions...

Directions: North take 14th street into DC make Lt. on K street, Rt on 20th street, Rt. on L street, pass thru first light look for Mackey's on the Lt. (painted in RED) 1823 Recessions is the door next to Mackey's located downstairs from Hotel Quincy's.

One block from the Metro Farragut North stop.

If you have any questions you may reach Cathy at 703-231-9123.

Remember: contest will be judged by crowd participation and in house judges! so Get Crazy and Thanks for your support!
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Friday, May 11, 2007

More Kicks

Gosh, it takes so long to defrost some frozen meat. I think the microwave takes forever to defrost some ground beef. By the time the microwave defrosted my ground beef, I am no longer hungry. You know sometimes I get home after a long work day and just throw in some meat in the microwave and let is defrost, when it is done, who knows I might be hungry all over again. I might have a soccer game while the meat is defrosting and then I will be hungry.

I was told that my Spanish pronunciation is great, but I was never told that my English is good; they occasionally make fun of my accent. If my Spanish is better than my English and I have learned Spanish much later in life, am I am meant to be a Mexican? After all, I mean I do have the looks and the pronunciation now.

Second Generation in Technology means better, bigger, faster, smarter, nicer...etc. is this also true in case of immigrants? When someone says I am a second generation Mexican American, does that mean they are better than their parents?

I am so mad at the Pizza places, they charge you nickels for the pizza and dollars for the topping, and I just hate that. What if we start taking our toppings with us to the Pizza place and ordering just a plain pizza and asking them to use our toppings we could call them "kosher toppings" so the pizza people do not harass us.

So, there was an ad on TV the other day for some a book with new technology, they were marketing the book to be interactive book! I was like wow, now we can talk to the book instead of the author of book talking to us one way. Now we can be more democratic and the author of the book can hear me badmouth her/him as I read their work. We will have a problem though if the author starts talking back at us "Well, if you do not like my book, that is your problem, but I still get paid royalties since you already have paid for the book"

Another ad was on TV and it was for Panasonic Tough Book Laptop, this is a laptop that you can drop, spill drinks on, scratch and it won't break. I am sorry I thought that was the point of laptops. I drop mine, scratch it and occasionally spill soda on it and it still works. I am sorry I do not need a tough book I do not see a need for it yet.

Yeah I am sorry about the ads; I do not have cable so I guess that is what you get when you do not have any basic cable...hours of straight lame broadcasting.

I was reading a newspaper the other day and it quoted international law stating about banning weapons that causes "unnecessary suffering" Hey, I was not aware there was different types of suffering. So, after all and according to international law, Let's see what would present an example for a necessary suffering that would be the suffering when one of you get dumped, or the one you get when you flunk a class, or when you stand in the grocery's store line behind a coupon clipping person. I mean it was funny that someone has to spell it out, but here you have it and I hope I am not causing you any "unnecessary suffering" as long as the suffering is necessary I am fine with that.

You know, we all have friends and friends are great... (Look at the audience and point at someone) hey can you be my friend...just friends no dental plan, I will pay you though. Yeah, I have a friend who is a self proclaimed health inspector and personal trainer. Whenever, I eat something good she yells "No, Hani, you should not eat this donut it is bad for you" "No, you should not go for the shake, it of full of fat and calories" I am like "Wow, I did not know that, are you sure this is true" C'mon even kids now know what she is preaching. You mean people can choke on a donut and die or get a brain freeze from the shake that will shake their brain and lead them to death? You mean that stake will bite me and swallow me as I am sink my fork into it? People know that, do not make me sick. Or better go tell your fat husband that...starts at home. Or my personal favorite that I do not get, but hear all the time "you should quit smoking" "Smoking could kill You" Here is what I would say if I was a smoker "You mean terrorists will bring down the US government" "That's the only way I will die since the government will no longer hand food stamps" I would tell them further "Why do you hate America so much" " Dude, Stop your unpatriotic attitude"

I was with my friend Lindsay and her sister Rachel the other day in the car and they were talking about some literary work that I have no interest in hearing about. Bored with the conversation I said "You Guys read sill books" and both of them were like "I cannot believe he just said that" I thought they were taking it the wrong way and thinking I insult them as females when I said "you guys" so I tried to rectify the situation by saying "I referred to you guys as Americans and not females" They looked at me and said "I am not sure which one is the greater insult" So I though probably what I did saved me because I could live my life with insulting Americans, but not females. Here is why, I might not marry an American woman and be fine, but if I insult women then I cannot marry women with such reputation. I want to be fine with Mexican women so I mean on disrespected for the female nation. I am not sure if I like my other options once I insulted women which I did not intend on doing.

So you know how some people talk to their pets like they were human? C'mon you know you have seen these people before. Yeah, I hate pets, but my friend has a pet a turtle and it is old. Yep, it is true the turtle talked to me the other day, for real guys it told me that it is of Jewish faith. I was shocked and did not know if the turtle is Jewish form her mom's side or some other way. But my concern was about how hard it is to get Kosher Jewish food for the turtle. Where do you go to get this food? Or do you special order it from New York?

Did you know that nowadays they have energy drinks for your dogs? I am sorry are you expecting more of our pets these days? Why would a pet need a boast? "Hmmm, spiky does not seem to be excited about fetching the ball" she needs an energy drink. Lady, if you make me do something 10 thousand times a day, I would be sick and I swear might just bite you.

I was on the metro bus the other day and this lady was wearing a nice nickels, I was standing and she was sitting (not my choice, there were no available seats) Her nickels looks shinny and caught my attention, and I started trying to read it and the writing was so fine, but as I was zooming in to read what the writing in the nickels, I was caught and she gave me "You are a pervert" dirty look but it was not what she was thinking. I looked like a Jacka**, why would they do this to me. I blame both the company that made the nickels and my curiosity, now I know better.

Earlier on a different bus, at 8 AM leaving Silver Spring in MD from where I live, heading to the station, this nice gentleman stands in the Middle of the bus and starts preaching "I want you to know that Jesus lives" "And he loves you and will be back" people were looking away from him then he added "I am not going to talk religion today" I said "really?" he kept repeating himself and saying the same things over and over, till the bus driver yelled at him. Yes, it is true it happened with me here and it was not even Utah. I thought I left all these things behind me as I left, but apparently Utah decided to follow me here.

Start routine as people cheering/applauding (I hope they do) thank you thank you, now where were you guys when I went to see my dentist? Or when I was in that car accident with a jerk.v See it is either that nice guys never hit your car or all drivers are jerks.

Have you guys ever thought about how close religion and great food are related? The more religion a person has, the better these culinary skills get. Best food in America is in the Bible belt, yep Southern cooking baby. Utah has great food (for America) Canada has no religious characteristics and they got nothing to mention in terms of food. Now, best food is either Italian (Catholic) Indian (Hindu) Pakistan (Islam) Lebanon (Heinz 47) Brazil Barbecue (Largest Catholic Country) Morocco (Islam) Thai (Buddhist Traditions) See it makes sense why fat people are religious people. I lived in Utah for a long time and Church food (pot lucks and so are great) China does have great food, but no specific religion comes to mind, but there is long history and tradition there (General Tsao Chicken is AWESOME)

Yeah folks what is the big deal with camera phone? Now everyone has them and worse yet they think that they are George Lucas on a quest. Everyone is clicking here and there taking pictures. So I was walked in DC, the nation's capital the other day, and this dude was taking a picture of a statue for George Washington...why would they do such thing? I mean it is not like George Washington will be calling anytime soon. "Yeah, who is calling me at this hour?" "Oh, my it is George Washington calling" "I will jus called them after 9" Stop please.

So, I hear Osama Bin Ladin likes Whitney Houston...yep; it is true he does a big fan actually. Here is an idea how to catch him, send Whitney in a tour to Afghanistan. Yep, that might get him out in the air, and what is the worst thing that could happen? She gets killed! What that's fine...she will be taking one for the team. She will be a Martyr, and she will get some virgin boys in heaven. I know this might be a sad for some crack dealers, but that would make Bobby Brown.

I am not a big fan of sports, not really and there is nothing wrong with me. I think is cool here that some companies sponsor teams to get some attention and promotion for various products drinks cereal, deodorant, chips...etc. But you know some of the teams do really bad and suck big time that I start feeling bad for the teams and for the sponsors whose products are not selling. So, I think what these sponsors can do is start paying these sucky teams to wear or consume the competitors products. For example, if Addidas has a contract with the Red Sox and sox are doing badly, Addidas could pay the Sox to wear Nike! And by showing that Nike sucks with the Sox then Addidas is the choice. Same thing with PowerAde and Gatorade

So, I was in DC the other day for my dentist appointments and I was waiting in the lobby till my time to meet the dentist and as I was watching things and people go by, I noticed the elevator makes noises and greets people. "Welcome to the building, Thanks for visiting with us today" I thought it was strange, but not crazy. After all America is the land of innovation or it is Bombay? So the funny thing is I saw this Chinese dude walk into the elevator and the voice roars "Welcome, We do not have any driving schools in this building" I was like what the heck? this must be a joke or something. I honestly did not want to try this elevator fearing it would offend me, so I took the elevator, the dentist was located at the ninth floor so it was not all that bad. So I so my dentist and i was under so much pain leaving her office, I did not think about it and hit the elevator button. The elevator showed up briefly and I got in and as the pain increases the elevator shoots "Al Salmo Alykom brother...Death to America!" Dang, I am not even joking and I did not see Ashton Kutcher to indicate that this was a joke.

Couple of days later, I went to the Rite Aid store to buy my weight loss supplement for my friend--no for me. So the kind I use ran out and they stopped producing it, I guess some lawyer got rich or something. I was so mad that they did not have my weight loss product--did I saw mine it is for a friend. I was mad enough that I purchased a Texas donut. Yes, I know..I paid for it in cash though. Yep, do not want people checking my record to see that I bought a donut. Ten years from now when I am telling my kids "Eat healthy" they could blackmails me you know. "Daddy loves donuts"
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Thursday, May 10, 2007

See Why You Shouldn't Mess With Kids!

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Airport Rants

So just when I thought the airport security did a good job and was sweet to me in other words, they did not harass me this time. They did well and raised couple of points in my book. I was about to endorse flying again, if it was not for the crazy turbulences and the absence of any nourishment in the airplane. From Salt Lake City to Dallas Fort Worth International, the ride was bumpy and I thought i was going upstairs (even though when you are flying you are upstairs) even the flight attended was making faces and smiling at me because she noticed that I was disturbed. Here is a chronicle of what took place during my last flight.

Why is it that books sold at the bookstores in airports are creepy or at least have scary titles? Please none of the books they sell at these bookstores I can read. "The Last Jihad" "The Terrorists" "The Cell" "I Hate America" "The Manual" "9/11" that is the non-fiction how about the fiction "Bones" "Killers" "Assassins" "Blood and.... " "Haters" "Blow Up" "Time Bomb" "Airplane" even better "Snakes on A plane", Enough? How about "You are Going Down" that alone might be a terror alert when you are on a plane...etc. Let's be honest for a moment, no one want an Arab looking dude reading such books next to you in an airport. I think some of us will be arrested for reading such books in the wrong place. and if you do not get arrested, you will surely get some dirty looks. I would read other books, like Romance, but it has never been my thing plus the titles of such books are scandalous.

As I was watching TV at the front of a store at the airport, a dude walks up to the cashier and what I hear "Can you tell me where the terrorists lounge?" I was like huh? Does he mean terrorists dentition room in the airport? Who is this guy? But I got it when the lady answered him "The Terrace Lounge at that way!" I mean that is fine, but why do you do that? Why use awkward names that may get us in trouble? I mean I know I will mess up the name if I ever say it with my broken English. I guess that is one less place I have to worry about going there.

Since the flight attended got her jolly by watching me be scared from turbulences in the air, I did approach her and asked her if she ever get scared from airplanes. She was setting next to me because I was setting in the back of the plane. She thought for a minute and shot back "No, nah, flying does not scare me at all" which makes sense she is a flight attendant for crying out loud. I mean I do not eat Pork, so you will never see me working at the "Honey baked Ham" stores. She voluntarily told me that what scares her is NASCAR; she was from the South from her accent. She said that she was on the track in a car going 120 miles with other speedy cars. One gets the sense that this lady has an incredible sense of adventures, airplanes and NASCAR…what is next? Combine speed and height, the only logical thing she can do to match these adventures is to be an astronaut. "That did not make me comfortable" she was a sweet lady and she had the Southern charm.

Once we landed in Texas, I really was looking forward to eat some good Texas barbecue since it is the only thing Texans brag about other than "Do not mess with Texas" flags. I was so happy that my connecting flight was delayed 30 minutes so I can check out the Barbecue scene. I mean I know it is airport food still, but it in Texas. There were two dining places I found once called the "Barbecue Pit" they had lots of meet but they put all their meet next to each other and use the same knives on pork and other meets, the sausages looked good, but they were pork. so now we are down to one restaurant. "Texas Vintage" was the name of the other restaurant, but it was sad because it was a sit down restaurant and bar and it looked pricey. I was frustrated because I could not taste some of the treasures Texas has to offer. I ended up eating Chinese food; yes in Texas...they have those too. I was heart broken.

Do you know that there are some passengers that you absolutely hate? And I do not mean the guy with diarrhea sitting next to the window and want to pass you every five minutes to go to the restroom. I am talking about the people who do not want a drink when the airline offers it to them. "Sir, would you like a drink?" he looks for a second and declared to the world "No, I will pass"....Why? Why do you do that to me? You can pass it to me bro? I can enjoy two canes of tomatoes juice instead of one. C'mon, if the airline offers you something you take it when you can.

So airlines do not give you food no more, which is fine, they are all struggling to keep in the black. But it feels that these guys are not pulling it off and coming back with a profit. So they do not even give you food and still lose money...what would they think of next? I am afraid; they will make us bring food to their crew. Like hook up your flight attended with a foot sub from Quizno's (Toasty) and a can of soda (the flight attendant can keep the can) Maybe next time, we have to bring our own pilots too...It is sad
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Friday, May 04, 2007

Behold: De Movie: Updated

10 Hours of Shooting, 6 weeks of editing and now we can say that the ignorant Americans II is not finished and released for your is close to half an hour and it is on Google video...Here is goes.

Let me know if you hate it, absolutely hate or just do not care....
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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Kicks and Gigles

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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The thing with languages is that one tends to forget them after a while of not using them. I am guessing all of us have experienced that at some point. I am feeling that my mother tongue Arabic is no longer my native language, I am forgetting it slowly. Seven years of not speaking it on regular basis tend to do that to you. This is really sad because I no longer can speak Arabic well enough to call it my native tongue. And the worst is the fact that my English has not been improving as fast as my Arabic been deteriorating. So, I am between a rock and hard place, I need to re-learn Arabic and I hope it is not too late because if there is one thing I hate is dropping a foreign word in my conversation with people who are not familiar with that language.

Do not you hate it when you ask people question about why they did something or why they did not do it, and the people you ask look at you, take a minute and give you a weird explanation and you are supposed to make sense of it. "Why did you take my car?" they reply "Oh, man, I did not have a good pair of shoes to wear" OK , how does that relate to you taking my ride? I would say "This absolutely makes no sense, but it sounds like you expect it to by a some logical explanation so I am going to treat it as such."

Another funny thing happens here in America is when medications go on sale (30%,80%) I do not get it. I thought one buys medicine on need basis and not on value basis. I mean I was at Smith's the other day, they had cold/flue medications and skin medications going on sale for a really good deal and the thing is there were a lot of people piling medications. The funny thing is that these people do not even look sick. Perhaps, You look at these medications and say "Wow, cold medicine, I am feeling sick today, I could use some of that" or "It is March, Allergy season, I could use some of that in case I get sick" It is really strange that people would wish bad things upon themselves to save a buck or two, but it happens.

I guess the scary thing about the new technologies is the side affects that come with them. I love my MP3 Player it entertains me and keep me company even in Provo, Utah. The other day I was in a coffee shop (for the company) and was listening to my favorite tunes. At that point, I was listening to a comedy zencast and laughing my tale of, when I stranger walks to me and asks me "What is so funny?" Obviously he did not see my headphones and thought I was making fun of him. I mean he was a social reject and thinking everyone is making fun of him. I mean I could care less about the guy, if he is a creep, do not bother me and I do not bother you. So I said "Dude, I do not know what you are talking about!" "No, one is laughing at you here!" it took a minute to convince him otherwise, and he left.

Why is it when you go buy a burger at a fast food restaurant, you are always asked if you want to order cheese with that? for fifty cents? I think, we should demand more of these guys...we should charge them for the pickles and the onions we asked them not to put on our burgers. "Yeah, you will give me a 40 cents discount on my burger for the pickles" or "Not giving me onions, cost you $.30, how would you like to pay for that?"

I know many of us are fond of taking pictures of ourselves in various life settings, and I am not sure what the purpose for such luxury. For memories, I am told. Yes, obviously painful memories I say. Looking at my 10 years ago picture, "Oh, I like your hair" I say "Thanks for reminding me of my lack of hair" Look at another picture "Wow, you looked good in Freshman year!" rubbing my bully I say "Yeah I get that a lot, I cannot jog anymore, my knees are bad." I think, we are better off taking pictures of ourself in unpleasant situations. After a car accident, broken bone, a patch on the eye, walking on crutches, pictures with you professors, or your mother in law...etc. If we only take such pictures, we all always be grateful for what we have now, and not what we had then. I mean we need to change that, people can no longer tell us what could hurt us.
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