Thursday, April 30, 2009

A Jewish Professor Wins Big in Arab Land

Forget the Swine flu for a second the news are in, an American professor has made the news by becoming the first Jew to win a prestigious Arab prize—no, not land this time. The King Faisal International Prize in Medicine also known on the street as the "Arab Nobel Prize." Was awarded to Stanford professor Ronald Levy, whose specialty is Oncology where he heads the university's department. Professor Levy told Haaretz that as an American Jew married to an Israeli it never crossed his mind that he might win the Saudi-financed competition.
"I didn't think there was much chance, and I forgot about it," Levy said. "It's an Arab country, and I didn’t think they are likely to pick a Jew."

Once he was informed of his award, Levy looked for Ashton Kutcher thinking he was being Punk’d, but seriously he went on the contest Web site only to find his picture and biography with minor edits (Wink! Wink!). Levy’s work and revolutionary work on a drug used to treat many types of cancer earned him the top spot.

Professor Levy’s prize included $200,000, a medal, and a certificate in English and Arabic, also as a deal sweetener he gets to have with a dinner with Saudi King Abdullah.

The professor’s wife and daughter had Israeli stamps all over their passports so rightfully he had concerns when applying for visas to the Kingdom—but they got their visas in Los Angeles without hassle.

I guess many would be surprised by the fact that a Jewish professor would win an Arab prize, but for me, the surprise was in learning of such a prize known as the “Arab Nobel Prize.” Calling it so reminds us of the Swedish chemist and inventor Alfred Nobel who gives the prize its name. Maybe we could give the prize a proper Arab name however, the original Nobel was a bomb maker, and Arabs get bombed all the time, the connection couldn’t be any more obvious.
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A Semi-Stereotypical Defense of Mexico

Mexico is just about as popular as President Bush thanks to the swine flu. Flights are being canceled left and right.

Thanks to this little bug going around, the entire Mexican nation is the world's piñata right now.

Conservatives are pointing fingers and immigrant-bashing; liberals are eating Thai instead and changing their vacation plans to Mexico. Trashing Mexico and its pigs is national sport in many corners of the world. But in the time of crisis, one must remember all the great things Mexico contributed to the world.

In an attempt to show solidarity with Mexico, we have compiled a semi-stereotypical list of items that we have Mexico to thank for. Please add your suggestions in the comment section.

Ranchera Music
The American Southwest (Free Aztlán)
Alberto Gonzales
Taco Trucks
Ask a Mexican
The term 'Gringos'
Subcomandante Marcos
Lean like a cholo
Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite
Kid Frost
Emiliano Zapata
Half of Salma Hayek
Montezuma's revenge
Foreign Exchange students
Lambda Theta Phi
Novelas Mexicanas
Pancho Villa
The Cuban Revolution
J Lo's first movie
The Alamo
Texas (can Mexico take it back?)
Tequila worms
Best Summer Olympics ever (HUGE footnote - See Sean2009's comment)
The Mexican-American War
Cheech Marin
El Caminos
Tacos Árabes
Cool Catholicism
Maquiladoras (border sweat shops)

Programmer Buydatti
Cheap Weed
Girls gone wild
Speedy Gonzales
Taco bell
Mexican Cheese
Eva Longoria
General Motors
Mexicans smugglers are also the reason why half of my family is here in the states... so they hold a special place in my heart
Their girls are also the #1 reason why non-Spanish-speaking honkies watch Univision

Progestin (and therefore the birth control pill - ironic, huh?)
Vulcanized rubber
The number zero
Color TV
Rocket Belt

Cheap Labor
Mexican soap operas used to be a hits in the Middle East

Donkey Shows

Several hundred million dollars in income to Israeli border security 'experts'

Everything about Mexico is great, except that Carlos Mencia is half-Mexican.

For letting us dump all our mutated corn from our subsidized farmers into their already oversaturated domestic supply (since we can't seem to invent enough packaged snacks and cereals with HFCS).

Mehammed Mack
Gael Garcia Bernal
Cactus and cactus by-products
First Under-age drinking experience
Tijuana makes you grow hair on your chest
Nice hospitality for nauseating American tourists

My List
Thanks to Mexico many Americans can claim they have “culture” and that they speak a
foreign language.
Mexican women since almost all Arab immigrants to this country have dated at least on
Chocolate is another gift that Mexico gave to the world—something both men and women can appreciate.
I know I appreciate those little fresh fruit stands that sell everything from Mexican tamales to little baby Jesus goodies.
Vanilla is yet another Mexican gift to the world.
Frida Kahlo, Carlos Santa, Robert Rodriguez
Churro anyone? In the meantime Happy Cinco De Mayo.
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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

From Durban II With No Love

Here is a new piece I wrote it last week at 1 A.M. after reading the news about the conference on Racism or Durban II. I was upset because a good conference was a farmers market where Israeli assertions and argument--often false ones went unexamined. The Western delegates decided to walk out on the speech of the President of Iran--a nut job of a president. I made the case that since those leaders lead countries that either committed the Holocaust or financed it want to apologize by making the others look bad. See those delegates did not bother to leave the UN in the days leading up to the Iraq war. Here is the Story
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Monday, April 27, 2009

Identity Theft

I have been reading reports on how identity theft is on the rise, people stealing other people's identity and scamming them by various ways. Fortunately, we Arabs and Muslims, we have nothing to worry about it. No one wants our identity, who is in the right mind decide to steal an identity of an Arab? Other than the fact most of us are poor...we are under constant surveillance but big, I say go head and steal my identity...take my trouble away. I would love to see the thief buy an airline ticket with my credit what government agency vet him/her first.
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Friday, April 24, 2009

A Humble Observation

As a Palestinian who lived in Palestine who visited with Israelis and shared living spaces with them, I have made an observation. I think Israelis are paranoid about many things, many really and some unreal. For example, they fear the Arabs will push them to the see; they fear the West will abandon them and hang them out to dry; they worry that some Jews might give up on them and the idea of the Jewish State. I now truly believe that the fact that Israel exists scares the Israelis. In other word, Israelis fear the existence of their own state. It's not longer an idea, it's a tangible thing that can be be absolute, unlike ideal, they live forever. Only mortal things collapse and die, imagination does not. I feel that Palestinians might have to face the same dilemma, we lived in a Palestine before 1948, but ever since then Palestine lives in us. I wonder what will happen if we have a physical Palestine, will we have those fears? because the Israelis certainly have those insecurities, perhaps this is why I think Israelis go postal when anyone in the world community tries to ignore them. This is why you can never truly lose what you do not have.
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Thursday, April 23, 2009

A Gaza Wedding

The only time a man in Gaza gets to see lots of beautiful women in nice dressed, nice hair done, and awesome make up..the whole 9 yards is in the night of their wedding--where usually they are the only male allowed to see women dancing and being sexy...and that's the good news. However, it is often too late since this is your wedding night and chances are this is the only wedding you will have! No Redo...and it is too late to change your mind..that makes the bad news.
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10 Random Places to meet your Arab Heartthrob

So, Latinos meet new people on the Salsa dance floor, African Americans mingle and have a good time watching Stand-up Comedians, Indians go to the Punjabi buffet to laugh and meet new faces, Asians are all over Facebook, White people have their bookstores and coffee shops . . . enough with the stereotypes already! Where do Arabs go for meeting new people?

In attempting to find an answer to this perplexing question, here's my list of ten under-appreciated places to go from meeting to greeting and finally onto breeding. Enjoy!

1. Palestine/Lebanon Fundraisers
I call them the eHarmony of the community. This is the one place to meet sophisticated, caring, compassionate and wealthy folks in the community. Making a donation is a sure way to impress your future ex. They usually have entertainment at these events, but avoid unintentionally entertaining those in attendance with any exotic behavior. Others make a show of it, but make sure everyone sees that you tried to give discreetly and act shy . . . or you're screwed (a good problem to have, for some). Please do not get carried away and feel obligated to share your various conspiracy theories, people attending such events are open minded, not stupid. The burden is still on you to come up with a good pick up line while taking your sweet time making out your donation check.

2. Peace Vigils
I hate to say it but our community loves to offer support to those in need and sadly, it often comes too late. It's a great venue to run into a mixed crowd of dedicated people in the community, in other words, the salt of the earth: those folks who get down in the trenches and get things done. Attendees of peace vigils are either very liberal or they're very religious and in case you didn't know, peace vigils also have a proportionally larger number of women in attendance, so know your audience and dress to impress! If you decide to show up, wear a bowtie, because only real men wear bowties. Smokers are encouraged to come . . . just remember to bring your matches.

3. Memorial Services for Community Leaders
C’mon! You know if you died tomorrow, they will definitely be there. Death is a sad occasion, but you can't let it kill your social buzz. Various segments of the Arab American community, young and old, will rush to attend a memorial services for one of our community heroes. The trick is to be emotional, but in control: you can't be too depressed. Be sad, but don't over do it. Make sure that you know the deceased’s name and issues that mattered to him/her. If you plan to ask someone out or send the signal that you are interested, be efficient and under the casket. Dress to kill my friend, Dammit.

4. Sexified Hookah Lounges
Not my scene, but a great hotspot to meet the ladies and the lads of the community. People there are fun-loving and they love life. They care about issues of importance to the community, but not as much as they care about the positioning of the coal on top of the hookah. Wear a light classy shirt that won’t show your sweat or your chest hair; it is a dark place, but she is not blind. Some hookah lounges offer free drinks for ladies with nuts so creeps like you don't scare them away. Remember, that the one thing that gives those Right-wingers a run for their money, is Arabs making more babies. Do your part . . . Stand and Deliver!

5. Demonstrations and Rallies
Our people never run out of issues to protest and ways to stick it to the man (or vice versa in your case. Hey, we are not judging you!). Besides, it’s a chance to showcase your anger and give morons like Hannity things to talk about. Dress casually, wear a cool hat that says something that makes you seem dedicated and informed. Make sure to take an extra bottle of water, the one item that will break the ice with your prospective future wife. Since you will be shouting your lungs out, bring along your favorite Orbit gum as an accessory. And remember: As with streaking . . . don't forget the cool shoes.

6. ADC Convention
Also known as the American-Arab Dating Committee, I have been a regular patron of the ADC conventions for some years now and if you are not interested in doing that, you need to start. The stories your cousins tell you about the ADC convention are true, but just like in Vegas: What happens at the ADC convention stays at the ADC convention. The cool thing about the convention is that it caters to various segments of the community, so you will definitely find your match. If you’re into the intellectual types, you can bet your dinars (or your pounds, dirhams, rials . . . it don't matter what money you have!) they'll be there; if you seek financial security, there are more than enough single MDs than you care to count; if you are not too hot on the Arab thing, no sweat: there are plenty of white boys and coconuts to keep you happy (Remember: Coconuts are brown on the outside and white in the middle). Ladies at the banquet: if you get any hotter, Al Gore might sue ADC. Guys: if you get any fatter at the midnight party, ADC might have to pay to replace the dance floor. Make sure to ask for the Abed special to ensure an expatiated treatment that will get you through the red ropes by Abed Ayoub--ADC's grassroots engineer and your friendly Red Bull infused party beast.

7. Your Cousin’s Wedding
This is perhaps the most obvious one, keeping in mind the term cousin is used loosely here. If there's one thing you already know: it's that your mom is already surveying the field on your behalf. What a great audition for your future mate! You can see how they move on the dance floor, you can observe how they handle kicking and screaming kids, you can test their buffet and table manners, you can see which forks he/she uses . . . etc. This is perhaps the most traditional way of finding a date and more often than not, a spouse. So stick to basics: wear comfortable shoes and get ready to dress down (or up) as the occasion warrants. Bros, ditch the feminine look; it's sooooo 1998. Ladies, easy on the fragrance; it can get messy. While it's true that artificial intelligence exits, natural stupidity also exists.

8. Arab Film Festivals
You find them everywhere almost as much as you spot foreclosed homes: Chicago, Boston, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Sacramento, DC (even Cleveland got its own Arab film festival now). It seems that there are more movies about Palestine than there are Palestinians. This is where you meet the cream of the crop of the Arab American community: the college preppy, the activist with the cool hair, the good-looking half-Lebanese, half-Palestinian bachelor and of course it’s not an Arab American function without the weird-looking guy who claims to be a writer for some publication. Denim says you are in, a blazer says you are legit, matching shoes and belt say you are available. Survival tip: bring a publication with you to read as you wait for the film to start, serving three purposes: #1) to show that you are an intellectual #2) to show that like a Boy Scout, you're always prepared and #3) that you are indeed a grownup. Film Festivals are about as popular with the ladies as curvy jeans are.

9. Places of Worship
Mosques and Arab Churches serve more than one purpose: they recharge your spiritual batteries and occasionally facilitate your future romances. Some Masjids offer retreats for bachelors to go and to participate in outdoors activities (under the imam’s supervision, of course) and help young souls (and old ones) get hitched. But no one plans a breezy social gathering like an Arab Church, which can pull it off masterfully. From banquets, to speaking engagements, to weddings, to memorial services, you can always find adventure in the oddest places. It’s good for business if you met your spouse through a place of worship; chances are you will contribute generously to that place in the future.

10. Pro Israel Rallies
Easy on the gun there, Jimmie! People at those rallies have screwed millions of Palestinians and they wouldn’t say no to one more. At those rallies, your presence will be embraced and celebrated to make the racist around you look good. In the words of Dean Obeidallah who jokes about dating Jewish girls, “I will occupy her territory.” Dress in blue and hide your hair color because you will be the only person with dark hair. Words of wisdom: those are God’s chosen people and you are not for a reason. But hey, they stole you food, your land, your scarves . . . the least you can do is to steal yourself a hottie. Way to stick it to the Israelis, Kareem!

11. Removed for Censorship Reasons

[Tarboush Tip: Lyndsay, Nick, Carlos]
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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Tales from the Israel-U.S. Matrix

Another day, another two stories about Israeli/American politicians/activists fiddling around with each other.

1. The Jerusalem ComPost has the following story about a letter from an Israeli politician to Rahm Emanuel imploring him to remmber his roots.

Israel's National Union chairman Ya'acov "Ketzele" Katz sent a don't-forget-your-roots-bitch note to White House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel.

The letter actually seems like a fun read. Katz went on to compare Emanuel to the biblical Esther, who ended up at using her influence with Persian King Ahashverosh to intervene on behalf of the Jews of the Persian Empire -- perhaps suggesting Emanual will seduce Obama? I wonder if Emanual cursed when he read it.

A US Lawmaker who is doing AIPAC's dirty work. Rep. Jane Harman, the California Democrat with a longtime involvement in intelligence issues, was overheard on an NSA wiretap telling a suspected Israeli agent that she would lobby the Justice Department to reduce espionage-related charges against two officials of the American Israeli Public Affairs Committee. She would lobby for the lobby.

Now, we really have to question why some Democrats oppose wiretapping. Is it so we cannot find out who they are foreign agents for? Harman, it must be noted, was a rabid defender of wireless tapping, which is why then-Attorney General Gonzalez killed the investigation into her activities.

The good Representative did what every decent low-life politicians does, deny the allegations. At least she didn't take claim to forget.

Had it been any other country exerting such influence and direct pressure within the system, we'd have rampant nationalist alarmism and anger all around. But when it comes to Israel, Americans just take it for granted too often. And pointing this out often invites character assassination.

Glenn Greenwald does this issue justice.

As does Mondoweiss, as usual.

If you wanted to call and cuss out one member of Congress today, she'd be the one.
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11 People You Run Into During the Early Morning Run

1. Homeless people sleeping near a bench, not on it. Not sure why, but maybe they woke up in the middle of the night and said, this bench is too hard, I’m gonna try the concrete.

2. Latinos at the local Seven-Eleven choosing their coffee and sugar dose for the day as they get on with their jobs.

3. White people at the Starbucks reading a newspaper or working on a laptop pretending like they have something important to write about. There are few non-whites there, but mostly white folks—ones who can spare 4 bucks on a gourmet latte of course.

4. African-Americans at the local McDonald’s. They beat me to it, this place has a really awesome breakfast menu with low prices—if you do not mind the calories it’s a wonderful place to get your pancakes on the go as well as a good cup of Joe (minus the talkative barista)

5. Assortments of minorities standing by, waiting for the next bus to take them to their job or maybe to school. For some reason, white folks just do not take the bus too often.

6. White girls running in really short shorts, usually accompanied by a dog. That scares the heck out of me. Not to mention their cool iPods.

7. Truck drivers delivering fresh food to various stores, cafés, and restaurants. I don't mind them doing their work until they block the streets, sidewalks and alleys, forcing me to cross the street or leap over their truck (if they are under 8 feet high).

8. Security guards getting on with their jobs or coming home from a late shift from a government building or an upscale condo in the Metro area. For a second, I think they're the cops and run a bit faster.

9. Muslims heading to the local mosque for their morning prayer, after which they head to the Denny's for the pork-less Grand (I)Slam breakfast.

10. Some random construction worker urinating in public on an SUV that gives him cover from onlookers and street cameras. Is he fighting the power through a symbolic, resistant act, or just needing to pee badly right then?

11. Various government agencies keeping an eye on the Muslims to make sure they are there for prayer and not a planning party. They glance at me, but since most Arabs don't jog, they figure I don't fit the profile.

12. All my attempts to spot an Asian person has failed so far, I will let you know once I spot one.

[Tarboush Tip: Peter, Yousef]
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Monday, April 20, 2009

Mark Your Calender

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Nobody Loves Brad Garrett

Brad Garrett who is known for his sitcom work, most notably on Everybody Loves Raymondignited a new racial controversy yesterday when he dropped some racial slurs at a paparazzo during a heated argument in the middle of the street. His words proof that bizarre things happen in real life not just in sitcoms. In the video Garrett can be seen instructing a paparazzo to wear turbans. This is weird on so many level, for starter the paparazzo acts like an Arab, but what do turbans have to do with paparazzi, or Hollywood for that matter? It's the celebrities that usually use such things to hide their identity. Try Michel Jackson in a woman dress

To watch the video Video
Nawar Shora, ADC's director of Legal Affairs has already spoken on the matter in an interview, according to
Nawar W. Shora tells, "We'd be happy to reach out to Mr Garrett and his crew to help educate him about the Arab/Muslim/Sikh communities. Sinking down to racial and ethnic slurs is very disappointing and highlights the need for a greater understanding.
"There's so many stereotypes there and we’re at a time and place now where we should be past that."

Everybody may love Raymond, but Brad Garrett gets none of the love, not with this video.
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Thursday, April 16, 2009

1 Cent on Palestine

If the Middle East Conflict was a popularity contest, the Palestinians will win hands down. I think the Palestinians own a better set of social skills than the ones the Israelis have. But it is not a fair game nor is it a popularity contest.

I heard today from a Norwegian doctor who was in Gaza that during the Gaza offensive, Israel bombed a Gaza orphanage three times, that is bombing the same building three times. I was not surprised by that, I mean these kids are there mostly because Israel sent their parents to meet their they are sending the little ones to join their families up there. InSane in the Brain.
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Spreading Democracy, One Tickle at a Time

Last Thursday, during my morning run, I was somewhere near Northeast in Washington DC, by near I mean few blocks away from the actual NE. I saw a man, standing and giving me his back, as I was running on the sidewalk near the stores, he was closer to the curb and standing there near an SUV. It was early in the morning, but even I could not help but notice that this man is doing what I think he is doing....yes, he was taking a leak in public. As he saw me approach he actually moved even closer to the nice SUV and continues spreading his democracy all over the car. He was indifferent really, and I was like, this is a first. I mean in Gaza, I have seen people take leaks in abandoned areas dark places, but I never thought I would see it here in the heart of Washington DC, the Nation's capital, few blocks away from Capitol Hill none the less.

Now I am sure, he had to go, and I understand the urge that comes with the need to liquidate. Few months ago, I was on a run and it was the only time I felt that I had to go and take a leak...but I was not in an area I am familiar with, near New York Avenue on the red line. I tried me best to hold it, hoping I would find a McDonald's or an open business that would let me use the restroom. I confess I even toyed with the idea of taking a leak near some join high school--it was before 6 AM, so no one was around. Thankfully, I did not have to do that...out of no where I Giant Store pops in my route and I go in and use their W.C....boy did it feel good? I think it is truely one of the most underrated human pleasures. On that note, I shall stop.
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Geroge Washington University

I was a guest at a conflict resolution class in George Washington, the class it taught by my good friend Adina. Adina teaches in both George Washington and George Mason University,her focus is on conflict resolution and she has special interest in the Palestine Israel conflict--she is Jewish.

I actually went to both of her classes at George Washington University, one undergraduate and another graduate. There was another guest speaker, an Israeli Fulbright student who studies conflict. I found the students to be genuinely interested in the subject, but I did not sense there is a deep analytical background. I had great questions from the students, and I did my best to answer all the concerns. We spoke about Gaza, the siege on Gaza, the Palestinian infighting, Israel security and their new government. It went well....I feel bad thought because the other speaker was as bright as they come, but he was not as extrovert as I hoped he would be. In other words, I had to communicate with him as I make my points to make sure I am being fair.

They seemed to be interested on my take on President Obama's position on the conflict, I told them that at this point of time, when it comes to the conflict, President Obama cannot afford by to speak from both sides of his mouth. In other words, he would publicly tell the Israelis the things they want to hear, and whisper in the ears of the Palestinians what makes them happy. I do not blame him for now.

But it was good learning experience for me since it helps me refine my thinking and tweak my argument for the case of Palestine.
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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

fUnKy ArAb?

Jad Choueiri, the Lebanese singer, dancer and music video director is back! This time he no longer intends to pollute the Arab music scene, this time the assault is global! Jad just released his much anticipated English song and music video in which he has collaborated with a number of American based talents.

I have heard about this song more than a year ago, and how Jad, the man standing behind the lunching of the career of a number of female artists of the like of Maria. Love him or hate him, he is a smart businessman (think Madonna) Jad has also become known for his logos; every artist he collaborates with gets a unique cool logo. His intention behind the song as he states is to make the Arabs cool again! To which I say, the road to hell is also paved with good intentions.
الأغنية بدأ بتوزيعها الموزع طوني بو خليل وساهم في تطويرها الموسيقي اللبناني-الأرمني غي مانوكيان ، الذي سبق وتعامل مع Wyclef Jean ، فساعد جاد شويري بالذهاب الى Platinum Records في نيويورك ، وعرفه على Logic من The Ear Candy Band (الذي قدم من نيويورك الى لبنان للظهور في الكليب) الذي استعمل صوته في مقاطع الأغنية.
The video was released yesterday, and to be honest I watched the music video, and not sure what to think. The song is in English, there is so much going on and plenty of iconography and stereotypical Arab linked images like camel, hookah, belly dancers and more colors than a Cher concert. It's hard to figure out or make out what you are looking at, but judging form the comments on Youtube, things are not looking too good. You decide....

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Monday, April 13, 2009

Dude...Where Is My Gaza?

I was speaking to my brother in law, Hassan, he made aware of a new problem in Gaza. Hassan is in his mid 20s, a graduate of the Islamic University of Gaza, an employee of the Palestinian authority as well as the family's handy man. There is nothing he cannot fix or at least attempt to stake a stab at it.

We were talking about how miserable life is in the Gaza Strip, when he told me that among the items now smuggled into Gaza is painkillers. Few people in Gaza now have developed the habit of getting high on those controlled substances. Obviously, they have to buy those from the pharmacy, and it seems that few pharmacies are willing to go along to sell those painkillers for people who do not have prescription. Hassan also said that due to the large number of injured men and women due to the Israeli substance, it is hard to tell who is buying what medicine for whom. Thus in this fashion Gaza resembles any American suburb where rich housewives and poor blue collars use such drugs for recreational purposes.

Hasan was also telling me that he might start taking amino acids regiment since he wants to start working out at the gym. All these drugs would not have been smuggled into Gaza with this unprecedented volume without those border tunnels. It's true food comes in too, but other substance also make it.
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Friday, April 10, 2009

Bonus: Not Without My Cross Maria

Bonus: Not Without My Cross Maria
Maria is a sweet person with a great sense of fashion and some see that as her best attribute. Like most girls, she likes makeup and nice clothes, but she LOVES sporting a Cross necklace so prominent, it can be seen from a hovering helicopter. But the Cross is deceiving, since Maria rarely goes to Church and serves as the only item she wears of which her parents actaully approve of. The Cross also serves other needs, such as telling the flirty young Muslim guys to knock it off; in other words “She is out of your league, do not think about getting fresh with Maria!” But what distinguishes Maria from other females on this list is her unprecedented love for fragrance. Maria has a wonderful collection of rosey and expensive fragrances (most likely from Omanistan) that are worthy of envy from some of the most popular celebrities with fragrance lines of their own, among which we find Britney Spears and her curios line of perfumes. I get along well with Maria and I enjoy pairing off with her on the dance floor of her cousins wedding. Maria can be seen at pretty much all Arab-American functions in your community; her favorite volunteer spot is to be in charge of the seating chart where she can mingle with attractive young bachelors including the average looking banker she ends up dating once she realizes that the pretty boys are nothing but trouble. Maria can be found in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Newark, San Francisco, and Cleveland.

Dream Job: Immigration attorney where she can stop the deportation of Muslim men
Buzz Words: “Congregation,” “Father,” “Haqqan Qaam” and “Rights”
Favorite Movie: “Chronicles of Narnia”
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Wednesday, April 08, 2009

13, 14, or 17 Arab Girls Not to Date

Warning: A male wrote this.

I wrote this post because it sounded like a good idea at the time. God bless Arab girls! I love them, I’m attracted to them, I’ve never been attracted to anyone other than them (the Croatian babe in my Book of Mormon class doesn’t count) and there are plenty of smart, accomplished and purpose-driven Arab females who rock. This list is not about them. Also, I do not mean to demean all women with such a list, just as my post on the 13 Arab Men to never date was not a attack against men. Even I know that the two highest IQ’s ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women.

Here, I’m talking about the minority, the Arab women that you need to avoid like shawarma in Cairo. This took some time to put together after many requests, and I apologize for that—I had to get engaged before I could safely publish this list.

Here is my list:

1. Amal: the Stalker Magnet
Most girls like to talk with passion about things they like. For Amal, bringing up their stalkers is apparently one of them. It's all they seem to talk about. The stories are all the same: some random dude who stalks them wherever they go finally warns them he cannot live without them. It is true that some of our people back in the old country still consider stalking romantic. While stalkers are creepy and frightening, stories about them just get annoying. First, stalkers do not make you look like you’re in demand. Granted, there are crazy men out there who do stupid and scary things, but I personally don’t enjoy hearing about them—especially from you. I can’t help but wonder when this guy will show up next, because I really don’t want to be around. But on the other hand, meeting this guy will get my man juice going so I can beat him up. Of course you will get mad and stop me because if I did, you might have to wait a while until a new stalker gives you more to talk about. Amal is not secure, which is why she tells these tales of obsession. How to spot Amal: her profile on Facebook lists her relationship status as “Complicated.” Fun Fact: Amal means hope, which the stalkers take as a sign she likes them.

Dream Job: Writing for People Magazine.
Buzz words: “Wacko,” “Nut Job,” “Police,” and “Caller ID”
Favorite Movie: “Enough”


2. Jolly Green Nada
Dating a girl that knows her sport teams is a plus and being with someone who has an NCAA tournament bracket during March Madness is divine -- except that her's wins the pool. Plus, any person who can block your basketball shot is a threat, and it’s something more than a threat if that person is a female. I don’t care how cool and progressive or how stupid and backward you really are…it doesn’t matter. If she can block your shot, that means she is most likely taller or more athletic than you are, end of story. So unless you are planning to give the world the next Shaquille O’Neil, this is not the one to mate with. Nada likes the outdoors and that where you should keep her. You know the second or third question your mom will ask is: “How tall is she?” In short, height matters. Unless you are high or Nordic I don't think you should mess with Jolly Green Nada. People don’t notice your date’s degree or faith, but they surely know an awkward couple when they see one. Also, be advised that Nada has brothers who are taller than you and can kick the hell out of you as need be. Nada in Spanish means nothing and that’s how you’ll feel your worth on the basketball court when she shows up—just remember: keep your self-esteem intact.

Dream Job: ESPN Sport Commentator.
Buzz words: “Trash Talk,” “Hoops,” “You Just Got Owned,” and “Who’s you Mama?”
Favorite Film: “Stick it”


3. Mona: The Angelina Jolie Hater
Gentlemen, we have been predisposed to fall in love with Angelina; we are helpless against it. For whatever reason, men think that Angelina Julie is the perfect woman. She has more kids than an average Palestinian woman, she’s attractive, she's progressive, and she occasionally blows things up on screen (Arabs can relate). Whenever there’s a war, the UN sends her to clean up: she’s been to Lebanon, the Sudan and Gaza, and she's not in Israeli intelligence. She has more money than your entire tribe and of course, there are those gorgeous lips. Hating on Angelina is a phenomenon linked to the unofficial rule of women; hate is only saved for the likes of Angelina Jolie and Adriana Lima. They also have to claim that all their friends are cute, even if they’re not in the same galaxy of good looks. Beauty for them is entirely subjective, and they have no shame in shamelessly hating this goddess. The last thing you need is a woman that wants to take all these things away from you and speak ill of the woman we love. Odds are she’s jealous or simply a trash talker, and you can’t afford to have either one. If the right to enjoy Angelina Jolie movies without being judged or labeled as a pervert were in international law, Mona would be like Israel. To her credit, Mona is accomplished at working jobs that men traditionally monopolized: Accounting, Finance and Engineering. She wishes that for once, men would value her math skills as much as we drool for Jolie—forget it girl, it’s not gonna happen.

Dream Job: MBA Executive who can stick it to men and tell them grow up.
Buzz words: “Overrated,” “Obsession,” and “Bimbo”
Favorite Show: “Ugly Betty” and "Catch Me If You Can"


4. Rand: Daddy’s Little Girl
Our gal here is very well-educated because she kept going to school and more school. No one pursues her because she has too much going for her. In that way she’s like the Great State of Ohio—you never go there, you only drive through. One of those things is her dad’s last name ending in M.D. or FCCP and in order to be with Rand, daddy has to approve of you—a simple credit check just won’t do anymore. Since is too good for any guy and no guy is good enough for her because she wants Daddy 2. She is like most women looking for a smart, funny, and attractive guy just like her father. She’s genetically out of your league. She had a credit card in kindergarten, and you didn't even know your name. She had a cell phone the size of a brick (back when no one had even heard of cell phones), and you dropped bricks in your pants on the regular. She had it all despite the fact that her dad came to this country with only a pair of shoes and a sock over his balls. No car was ever good enough, no house was ever large enough and by the same measure no man will ever be good enough. If you’re like most men, you seek peace of mind in a partner—but her dad will give you a piece of his every time you visit, or god forbid, they do. It’s hard to feel like a man around Rand because she will always offer to pick up the tab at the very fancy restaurant she suggested and then chose. She’s cool to date while in college (sugar mama), but you will never get her because the truth is, you’re broke as hell because it took you seven years to get a bachelor's in linguistics. Remember: she likes you for your potential not for who you are and she’ll end up marrying her dad’s attorney or a Harvard-trained Radiologist finishing his residency.

Dream Job: Donating money to charities.
Buzz words: “Latte,” “BEBE,” and “Gourmet”
Favorite Movie: a toss up between “Mary Antoinette” and "Legally Blonde"


Noor: Daughter of the Card Carrying Member
Noor comes from a Muslim family where her father has great ties with various segments of the local chapter of the ummah. He takes the lead and organizes the community, which is all fine and dandy until he decides to raise money for Muslim causes. The card he carries ain't exactly a Costco card, so this is a risky business. Noor is not as committed but is the acorn that's not too far from the tree. And this tree has a beard: it's not the guitar-playing coffee shop hippy kind either. Noor is very very very innocent: the first and last guy she saw naked was a “Ken” doll until the family stoned it. Odds are she has caller ID that screens out private phone numbers. If you decide to do this, make sure you don’t have any outstanding or unpaid taxes, parking tickets, or apply for jobs that require a rigorous background check. To her credit, Noor has perhaps the best personality among all girls listed here and has more than 500 friends on Facebook.

Dream Job: starting a civil rights organization or writing a halal romance novel about a couple who met online.
Buzz words: “Irhab,” “Fundraiser,” and “Daniel Pipes”
Favorite Movie: “Traitor”


6. Bake-a-ton Hanna
As a little girl, Hanna used to spend her time in the kitchen with her mom baking and cooking. The only think she remembered was when her mom said: “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!” Hanna focuses more on getting a live man's heart than on actually cooking decently. And her mom's advice is wrong: their stomachs are the fastest route to men's hearts only when they're munching on chicken wings at Hooters. Hanna thinks however that to get men, she has to cook so she organizes constant dinners. She showers male targets with food, and especially loves to brag about her baking. Please Hanna, don’t bake me any cookies or pies, because to be honest with you, the ones at McDonald’s are good enough for me and I only have to pay $1 for those goodies. Dealing with you is much more expensive. Please don’t think about hooking it up with some baklava either: the nuts add a number of ornaments to my face. That will make other women less attracted to me, which means I will end up dating you. One wonders if that is her strategy. Usually baking is compensating for something: usually it’s a lack of culinary skills or average looks.

Dream Job: Teaching elementary school.
Buzz words: “Non-stick,” “preheat,” and “measuring cups”
Favorite Move: “Brown Sugar” and "No Reservation"


7. Reem: The other Abdul Karim
Here’s a good looking girl who comes from a good family where she was brought up with good values. But her parents lead her to believe that they would love her unconditionally even if she wasn’t the same religion as them. So she took the opportunity to flirt with other gods. One thing led to the next, and now she is a yoga master out to save the environment while worshipping trees and witches. Her SUV is stockpiled with books about kabbalah, buddhism, and something about kama sutra. She was a goofy sufi for a while, which was okay, but know she praises gods when she sees you. Eventually Reem will lose faith in men and explore the forbidden love of the female-on-female. While I would love to witness it, I would never date her, before, during or after her any of her conversions.

Dream Job: Working for YMCA
Buzz words: “Sacrifice,” “Get Along,” and “Vulnerable”
Favorite Movie: “Religulous”


8. “Fly Me To Mecca” Afaf

Otherwise known as the wireless handshake and the queen of the Wi-Fi hugs, Afaf will look at your feet when talking. She was raised by a minimum wage, single-parent family with minimum political tendencies. For whatever transformational reason, she decided to become all religious. All of sudden she is getting spiritual and making you feel bad for bad things you used to enjoy together. She became less fun and more into other things beyond this world, the doom-and-gloom that makes you want to keep your contact virtual. This religious attribute allows the other females to sympathize with her and not to be intimidated by her in the least -- she is immune from cattiness. I think that women can never go wrong with the amount of skin they show, but we both know that there are ugly people who need to cover up; she is not one of them. Hence, she is all covered up. And she is the poster child for why angry people get more attention than the positive ones. The death of a family member, failure to pass an exam, or a botched relationship can drive a woman to spirituality. That’s fine as long as this transformation doesn’t happen when you're around and having some great times. So, if your lady gets testy if your eyes don’t remain perfectly straight when a looker passes by, bail out quick. Afaf’s transformational faith is similar to “Transformational Diplomacy,” in which a stable country is transformed into a failed state soaked in blood, death and tragedy, but in this case the subject of the transformation is men. Despite the fact that Arabs know about discrimination, Afaf knows discrimination from both ways. A prominent trademark is to have a picture of toddler or some sort of funny cartoon or flag on her Facebook profile.

Dream Job: Hajj tour guide
Buzz words: “The Prophet,” “Spirituality,” and “Halal”
Favorite Movie: “The Message”


9. Azeeza the Hijabougie

If you’re unlucky and have fallen in love with Azeeza, you can get her to like the things you like. The difference between Afaf and Zuzu is a technical one; the former is both religious and spiritual, the latter is socially religious and vaguely spiritual, and dresses to kill, always. As a start, Azeeza has loved fashion since she was a little girl and her favorite show is America’s Next Top Model. She hails from Dearborn, Chicago, or Brooklyn (Albany, post-9/11). She is a first generation American and has a graduate-level degree from a college that isn’t known more than 40 miles away from her home. She is ambitious and a go-getter, she never accepts the status quo, even with her strict dress code and she’s hot! And a little head cover’s not going to hide that or her curves or her high fashion label. She dresses better than Hamid Karzai and walks around like a model on a runway. Azeeza is hoping that her fashion will compensate for all her modesty in dress. She only wears the best. If you ask her to name what brands she likes, she'll sound like she's ordering food at an Italian restaurant. As a guy, I am confused by how to approach the Hijabougie types. I can never muster the courage to compliment her looks without coming cross as a schmuck who doesn’t give privacy to those who clearly ask for it. We are all biased and judge this group in different standard, and that’s the problem of dating or “hanging out” with Zuzu. It remains unclear what cultural frame of reference we should use, but again they don’t date or at least don’t call it dating, but you will be amazed to learn that they get more dates in a week than you get in Ramadan. The Hijabougie’s musical tastes are so narrow that they can only accommodate Usher, Justin Timberlake and a hint of John Legend.

Dream Job: Beauty Consultant at Mary Kay Cosmetics
Buzz words: “Gucci,” “Modest,” and “Feminism”
Favorite Movie: “Kingdom of Heaven”


10. French Connection Nadia
Speaking a foreign language is a wonderful thing, but her wishing she was born French makes me want to throw up. Arab girls coming from part of the greater Arab Maghreb, Lebanon, and Syria are so in love with the language they French kiss the air when they speak. Yes, French sounds sexy, but she butchers it when she tries to out-French the French. Get over it, you know the French will most likely reject you if you decided to make France your home because you will never be French enough—Asshole enough, that is. You could score fifty goals to get them four world cups in a row and they'll still despise you. You can make the best croissant in the world and they'll still think you're a barbarian. Ask the millions of second and third generation immigrants in the pockets of France and see what they tell you. The most frustrating thing about Nadia is that her mom's grape leaves are the best, yet she drags you to local French bakeries where they serve a piece of toast, a sliced tomato and a cracked egg for the price of what it takes to build a hospital in Darfur. Here is what it all boils down to: some Americans don’t take kindly towards Arabs, but we both sure as hell don’t like the French! (Oh, don’t you worry the French will not run out of people to be hated by). I don’t mind seeing this girl at the Trader Joe’s wine aisle even if she whines about the selecion, but date her -- no way Pepe.

Dream Job: Francophile
Buzz Words: “Merci,” “Comme ci comme ca” and “Crepes”
Favorite Movie: Any French film, especially the ones that make no freaking sense (most of them).


11. Hala: Your Mom’s Lobbyist
A graduate of the “Get it done Academy,” you need this girl like a Saudi needs a heater in July. Her IQ is a bit on the lower scale, but only because she sped through the waste-of-time test. She has her entire life planned out for her, until she realizes that the little thing called the biological clock is ticking. She hangs out with your mom, shops at her favorite store, pretends to like the things your mom likes, including teasing the little ones she sees running in the mall. She knows that you are such a mama’s boy and can never say no to your mom, but she also knows that you’re not going to marry her on your own. She thinks she is a character in "Sex in the City,: even though she's a virgin. Some may argue that the mom lobbyist is too good to be with anyone, but she doesn't feel that way. She's dying to get married. Be cautious, she may kill too. If you don’t end up marrying her, then she’ll transform herself into a Green Card Generator by marrying most of the kids in her village in the old country. Her size varies from either slightly obese to mildly chunky, but she's never in between. More often she’s fluent in Arabic and makes the pilgrimage back home at least once a summer—where she brings back all those spices that your mother uses to make Miskhan plus gifts for everyone she knows. Hala likes the sporty look and anything that make her look younger—a mechanism woman developed to respond to men’s obsession with youth. Speaking of which, you cannot guess her age and you would be dumb to risk it (if you must, go low).

Dream Job: Housewife
Buzz words: “Pants,” “Commitment,” and “Naseeb”
Favorite Movie; “How to lose a guy in 10 days”


12. Rehab-inducing Rihab
As a young woman, she grew up with many brothers at home who really liked her and treated her like a buddy. Her brothers were major league screw ups who had too many fumbles in life—including failed relationships. Rihab was there to save her brothers and make them feel good, a much-needed boost of sorts. Her brothers (the losers) seemed to appreciate that about her. But in the process, she became the therapist for everyone else. Like most therapists, she became a little crazy herself. Now, she wants to reform some lives and you're her next project, whether you need it or not. Rabab never shops for a man; she hunts for clients. She calls you when you’re on the rebound getting over a bitter relationship, when you get fired, or your team loses in the first round of the playoffs. On appearance, she is a reincarnation of your caring mother figure, but in sexier shoes. However, Rihab needs your problems so she can feel secure. Denying her help will set her off. And, if she does help and you no longer need her help, she will get pissed and accuse you of shutting her out. Tip: invent problems to keep her busy and consider charging her for her services.

Dream job: High school counselor
Buzz Words: “Turnaround,” “Oprah,” and “Upgrade”
Favorite movie: “Sweet November”


13. Children factory Jinan
We all love kids -- until we have them and they start crying all the damn time. Jinan loves them too, and she wants to out breed Palestinian rabbits. Born to give birth and to be a mother, she does not want much beyond that. When she wanted you, it is because you would be a good father and maybe fix things around the house. You're her sperm-producing appliance and that's all (sounds better than it is). She only wants your tahini in her hummus so she can have a baby to take pictures of in 9 months. Since Jinan didn’t manage to enjoy the beautiful things in life, she wants to overpopulate the world and usher its demise. That’s where you—the man comes into the picture. I mean, she could try artificial insemination, but OctoMom Nadia Sulaiman had to go and ruin it for everybody. Jinan is easy to spot: her sizing up every man she sees gives it away. You will catch her staring at your face for a long time, thinking this to herself “Will babies with that face look cute?” Obviously, you feel sexified thinking that she thinks you are cute so you muster the courage and go talk to her hot friend. Jinan’s initial rise to motherhood from one baby shower to the next can only be described as evil genius. Jinan is never more than three steps from a jar of Hershey’s kisses, an essential part of her diet. The moment she signs, seals and delivers two of your babies she will realize how big of a loser you are and dump your ass. Alimony is the name of the game; “Divorced” will soon be your status on Facebook. It’s obvious that Jinan’s destiny has “Homemaker” written all over it. As all mothers say: raising children is a full-time job. But since she has many people in her life, she has too many social events to attend; I’d like to see Jinan work at a Hallmark, where she can write creative and fun greeting cards. Jinan is the kind of person that has her picture as a toddler on her Facebook profile in addition to having fifty pictures of her brothers’ new born babies who all look like little sea monkeys.

Buzz words: “Cute,” “Diapers,” and “Babysitting”
Favorite Movie: “Cheaper by the Dozen”


14. Bipolar Mai
Sometimes a man’s judgment can be clouded, but not when it comes to not dating Mai. Bipolar Mai is the one reason I fear walking behind girls at night. First, they have one eye on me and the other on her pepper spray bottle. The other is that if one farts, my naive world will be shattered. Mai is one tough nut to crack: bipolar Mai is sweet and passionate until she switches personalities without warning, and then starts cracking your nuts. Bipolar Mai can go from warm and cuddily to pissed off and lethal at the drop of an F-bomb. There is nothing you can do to stop her from unleashing her inner-Godzilla. Men use the “Cranberry Juice” time of the month excuse to understand this bipolar behavior. But this is not entirely accurate, because this happens five times a month—in a good month. So you know you are in for a ride and not the ride you fancy. Most females and living creatures are intimidated by Mai. If you decide to date Mai, make sure there are no sharp objects in sight and avoid seeing her on nights with a full moon. She usually comes accompanied by a user-friendly manual—ask her mom or ex for that one. Mai is not the type that forgives and forgets, so mind what you say. Unless you don’t like the way your nose fits on your face, give her an honest answer when she asks: “How do I look?” Mai enjoys reading religious texts and books about serial killers. She plays the “I’m so sorry” card extremely well, publicly apologizing for her unwarranted mood swings and especially after kicking your ass in front of your friends. Due to the emotional instability, our girl has been on more dates that the number of times Warren Jeffs has been married. The upside of this relationship is that her parents will always love you and appreciate what you are going through—they will always be on your side. For Bipolar Mai, a career is hard to secure, unless she can claim some sort of disability and thus protect herself from being fired. Hey! Hollywood is now hiring; they need people who can play conflicted characters. If all else fails in bringing Mai to peace, I recommend a restraining order.

Buzz words: “Rage,” “Peace,” and “Rollercoaster”
Favorite Movie: “Batman Begins”


15. Laila: The African Dance Instructor

Being an Arab in America often makes one feel eccentric, but being an Arab who is an African dance instructor is just flat out insane. She usually has no siblings, which makes her a natural loner and that’s how the rest of her life will go. Catch phrase: “Yoga is for Lesbians” and she usually has a lifetime supply of fair trade Rwandan coffee. She also volunteers to every one willing to hear how she voted for President Obama not because of his African heritage, but because of his "positive energy." You seem to enjoy each other’s company, and you’re glad you spend so much time together until she starts talking about her African dance class. And you're not sure why. Dating this woman will quickly drive you to your inevitable death. The doctors will tell your loved ones your stroke was caused by too many WTF moments. Laila can't make a decision, not even if her own life depended on it, because it’s hard to say if she is going forwards, backwards or shaking her junk for the fun of it. She used to be in salsa class until she realized it was her and all white people. She mastered it in a few classes anyways. And her belly dance class didn't last long. She was teaching "Mariam", the instructor, new moves the first day. So she's stubborn and sexy, and will dance with other dudes at tha club because you learned how to dance from your uncles at weddings. Moving side-to-side and clapping off-beat is not dancing.

Dream job: Head Choreographer for the World Cup 2010 in South Africa, but in order to be able to do that, she starts doing photography portraits.
Buzz Words: “Obama,” “Aid,” and “Racist”
Favorite Movie: “The Gods Must be Crazy”


16. Norma: Geeky Going on Crazy
Her iPhone might be attacked to her hand. She e-mails you back faster than rednecks in Wal-Mart racing towards Christmas deals. We all love smart women who know their stuff, and I think it is sexy. What's unsexy is someone who constantly go out of their way to make you feel a worthless ignorant cave man. Meet Norma, she owns a Mac computer, while other kids were watching cartoons she was fixing the garage door after she borrowed some pieces to build a model airplane. She designed her girl scout troop's website. She has seen every movie ever been made, she has read the books as well, and she makes sure to let you know that "the book was way much better" and pulls out her Kindle to show you. For good reasons, Norma does not have many girlfriends because she does not really care about fashion, so most her friends are males who either come from India or Korea. She only loves gadgets. She spends all her money on them. Norma is a good person to have in your life for when the bug you downloaded along with the porn forces your computer to crash. Keep her as tech support only. You will always be reminded how dumb or what a technological laggard you are. Make friends with Norma, but do not ever trust her taste in music or cuisine even if the online ratings she shows you on her laptop-phone were great.

Dream job: A movie adviser for the "Star Trek" Movie franchise.
Buzz Words: “Time Machine,” “Nerd,” and “Wired”
Favorite Movie: “Back to the Future”


17. Lina, the Ghetto Drunk.
When you fight with Lina, make sure she has not been drinking or she will cut you. Sure, she was raised in the suburbs, but her command of ebonics and stocky figure give her mad street cred. She will end your life, you always think. In high school, she actually knocked a girl out. And at the club, she's the first to get into one of those scratching, hair-pulling catfights, even when she's in high heels. She loved to box her brothers, and used to box her parents. So she thinks love =hitting. Add the liquor she loves into it, and you're asking for a trouble cocktail.

Dream job: Bouncer
Buzz Words: “You're my bitch" "Unghhh" "Screwdriver"
Favorite Movie: “Million Dollar Baby”

[Tarboush Tip Lyndsay, Carlos, Andrea, Yousef, Meriana, Will, Abed, Shereen]
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