10 Things to Help Muslims Survive Christmas

 

1. Watch the Access of Evil Comedy Tour! Nothing can cheer you up faster than realizing that all you need is an hour or so of overdone and repetitive airport jokes to make it big in comedy. As a Muslim anyway.
2. Watch the extended version of Kingdom of Heaven. Murderous Christian savages and Salahuddin! Two things embedded in the collective consciousness of all Muslims reminding us constantly that we can be pretty awesome.
3. The day after Christmas, go to your closest big box store and pick up those Christmas-branded chocolates and merchandise for 30% off. But watch out for the alcohol-filled ones. They taste bitter. 
4. Be happy you're not stuck in the mall. Looking for a parking spot is a lot harder than finding a spot to place your shoes at the Friday prayer service. 
5. Knock yourself out watching European soccer, as the Europeans are Godless heathens and don't believe in taking time off from kicking their balls to celebrate the birth and sacrifice of our savior Steve Jobs.
6. Join your fellow Jewish cousins at the nearest Chinese food restaurant and enjoy a serving or six of General Tsao's Chicken. This is the one time of the year you all can put aside land and ethnic cleansing disputes aside and gush over sweet and sour sauce.
7. Deck the Halls with Kuftah Balls. And by 'Halls' we mean your big pots. 
8. Christmas is one of the few times Christians feel they have earned the right to ask odd questions, so if you can endure the occasional "How come y'all don't b-leeve in Jaysus?" or disruptively drunk co-worker, join a Christmas Eve party. 
9. Help reinforce negative stereotypes for future generations! Bust out your hookah and play a round of Tarneeb with your unshaven, loud-talking young buddies. If you're a lady, just sit and gossip with your equally unshaven buddies. 
10. Santa's got nothing on you, Muslim man: you are both fat, both have beards and both draw stares from little kids and TSA screeners. Santa has his lists and you are on a no fly list. Time to re-think our differences? 

Bonus: Take a vacation in Hawaii or Arizona, the least Christmasy places of them all Spend your time at the gym, while the rest are indulging in fruitcakes and eggnog, you can do something that is quite the opposite