Tuesday, December 13, 2011

7 Arabs at the Gym

Can an Arab really get to the gym? Sure, but it might kill him
Arabs do not monkey around with their time, they do not do stuff for fun if grandma cannot make sense of it. Time is precious, the only time Arabs do not watch the clock is if they are a guest at someones house who they don’t like of if they are smoking hookah. So gym doesn’t fit in that narrative.

I present the Arabs at the gym edition:

  1. My Mom’s Mansaf Is To Die For- Cannot apologize for that, most people eat once at my mother’s table and they enjoy it, I cannot maintain my weight and continue to please my mother by consuming her dishes. This is like going for confession, it’s not about being fit, but rather minimizing the damage.
  2. My Mother In Law HATES Me- You are good looking, but your husband makes a lot of money. For that his mother thinks you should suffer at her hands. She often comments on your weight and health. An hour at the gym would shut her up. Note to self--”Why Can’t Bashar’s thugs get to my mother in law?”
  3. The Honeys Won’t Come- I have a stable job, my hair is still intact, and my teeth are in their designated places, but still, I do not seem to attract the ladies. Lose that belly and brush often--now repeat. The gym would another good excuse to shower, rinse and get rid of that chronic garlic body odor.
  4. My Doctor Told Me, I Will Die- My Doctor is very persuasive, given my family history, there is no way around it. I need to get healthy or Diabetes type 1 will soon find me. This is also a great excuse to go crazy on all those sports drinks. Sugar free ones of course. Plus, I got a really good deal on my gym membership.
  5. Gay in Denial- There’s not better excuse to wear those tights than “I was at the gym.” No one will point fingers, and you can have so many pictures showing off your body. Plus, the locker room is like a buffet of muscular dudes in the nudes--i guess that dirty blond will go home alone...exercising at the gym to Haifa Wahbe and Elissa songs can do that to you.
  6. Vertically Challenged- The genes game is a bitch. Short Arab’s try to correct nature, but expanding horizontally. Never cardio, always free weights, and really long shorts. They secretly fantasies about beating up the tallest guy in the gym. Those make one of the most loyal demographics for the gym.
  7. Me, And My Cousin Special- We don’t go to clubs and bars, because they are HARAM! But it says nowhere not to go to gym to meet the future Mrs. Ahmad. If we get buff it’s a plus, and this is like a fashion show and my mom will never guess why I’m here. Plus, I can sports those Palestine and Lebanon t-shirts. They tend to be loud and obnoxious which annoys everyone else at the gym especially that reading lady on the bike




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