Stand Up with Me

The Movie "Dude...Where Is My Map?"

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Have FuN

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.




At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."




A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."




When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.




A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished




A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."




A young son asked,
"Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."




Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."




Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.




If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.




Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.




First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."




"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"


My Film Project:
Watch it at

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5685399428780477407&q=ignorant+american

I would like to hear from you on this project or any feedback (both good and bad)



Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON
@ WORK

you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

you get three meals a day fully paid for
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

you get time off for good behaviour
you get more work for good behaviour

the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

you can watch TV and play games
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

you get your own toilet
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

they allow your family and friends to visit
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

you must deal with sadistic wardens
they are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!




Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.






This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know
what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely
end the conversation. I say:
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!"

--
divorced barbie !!!! funny
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have: Work-out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco
Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers, "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and..
One of Ken's Friends."


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. " I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out

"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

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Forget and Forgive...

Inflicting pain on someone else cannot do anything to ease your own pain. When you have been hurt, there is nothing to be gained by passing the hurt on to another.

When others have caused you pain, give forgiveness. Sincere forgiveness is the fastest way to begin moving positively forward again.

Forgiveness does not mean that you agree with or condone whatever has been done. It means that you no longer choose to let those past actions hold you back.

Your willingness to forgive does not mean that you are willing to be hurt again. In fact, forgiveness frees you to take positive steps that will make you stronger and much less vulnerable.

When you feel the desire for revenge, stop and remind yourself that there is a much more powerful response. Forgiveness is the way to put yourself in the best possible position.

Can you find the strength to forgive? Forgive, and you will surely grow stronger.

Lots of Love

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Humor U SEcond Appearance

I loved the second show we had with the Humor U Troupe, it was a fun show, had new material there, a lot of people and new faces were present. I enjoyed the crowd and the company. This time I did not choke, and I delivered my lines much better than before, I think practice paid of. The troupe was so serious about timing, that I had my roommates yell at me in Arabic once I reach my time. I told them to yell "Allah Akbar" means God is Great. Here is a Teaser of some of what I said:


"Yes, Yes, Yes. I mean a Palestinian, Arab, and Muslim on BYU campus and I cannot have anymore things going against me in a Mormon school. And I Love All of you Big Fat Obnoxious Americans!"

Here is How My American friends Introduce Me to their friends, for some reason, Mormons feel obligated to introduce me to their friends like I was some sort of Freak Show. Here is how they do it: "Hey Adam, Meet My friend Hani, he is not a Mormon, but He is a good man!" I do not get it, but it is not cool. In a way I started countering that hoping that the few people who introduce me in that fashion will get it. Here is what I would say "Hey Ali, Meet my friend Don" "Don is an infidel, but I think we will let him live today!"

My roommate who is a Mac extremist was so upset because I gave away my iPod because everyone has one, he told me that my logic was flawed. His argument went like this "Hani, people wear and have wore pants for ages now, and we still wear pants" That was a good point, but I was not convinced. The Mac extremist roommate wanted to make his point, so he started walking around the apartment without pants to make his point I thought "It was disturbing" But I did not give in, I told him "David, you can walk naked for a week or even three weeks or longer, but Mac still stinks!" By the way I like women just to clarify that I do not have nay ulterior motives.

Guys at BYU, stop complaining to me about your bad luck in getting a girls phone number. I refuse to believe that. If you want a girl’s phone number you can always get it, period. Here is what I do and I hope you all will be writing this down. Once I see a good looking girl on campus, I approach her and say: “Hello, my name is Hani, I am not member of the LDS faith, but I am investigating the Church” “Therefore, I need your number in case I have any questions” Do you think she will refuse to participate in building the Kingdom? Nope. Brothers, not only that you will get her number, you will also get her address, and expect to be invited to the Ward Talent Show. But most importantly that she will show up at your house the next week to bake you good old Mormon Cookies! And guys, You are Welcome!

Some Older Stuff:

So my co-worker approached me the other day with a cool story, he got his first kiss. I would have said "Yeah" but c’mon he is 30 years old. I tried not to laugh to hear the story from my coworker. In a way I was like "Yeah, you do not have other interests! I can be your good friend now" But seriously, I am not LDS and I did better than this guy in the Mormon Capital of the entire world. I mean my co-worker is handsome, but it takes more than handsome in his case. I told you I did better than this guy did. What? Yeah I know it was Spin the Bottle Game, but so what? Mormons are very exclusive in their games and especially when the bottle is being spun.

I freaking hate Sundays in Provo (I did not like them in the East Coast either) But here in Provo, I feel like a homeless person every Sunday because, many strange people walk into my apartment to look for someone or take care of business, most of them do not even knock at the door, they just let themselves in and if there was no one to open the door, they would walk all the way to my room and ask me questions or directions and even give me advice without identifying themselves “Hey, where are you from?” “You could really use a haircut or razors”. I also feel like a homeless person when they bring me food or plats of odd shaped cookies or brownies. I now can leave the US and tell people back home how it feels to be homeless and have strangers give you food.

I told my roommates that I gave my iPod away because everyone has an iPod there days, my roommates were shocked that I would do such thing. So in order to make their point, they started walking around the house without pants to make their point “Everyone wears pants, so we gave ours away!” I got it, but after a while!


I was in the Wilkenson Center at BYU at the other day, and I was setting the booth for the Arabic Club, the LDS missionaries--the ones who are serving the needs of BYU community. Had a booth just cross the hall form me, I thought it was funny coincident because I think the majority of the non-LDS folks on campus were sitting across the hall from them. In fact most the people who were with me have had one missionary come and visit with them and this missionary was just setting cross the hall from them. Anyhow so the elder comes and wants to talk to me, I greeted him and asked him where he was from, he was from Canada! So as a good missionary would do, he wanted to talk about the LDS Church, but before he starts with his pitch, I told him let me tell you this and you can decide if you want to teach me or not. I have been around this campus for about seven years now; I have taken fourteen credits of religion as well as a class on sharing the gospel(where I memorized Section 4 of the D&C). I have also served in the referral center in the MTC (where people call to order copies of the LDS materials) I have taught institute and recently a fireside, and I am still the same religion I was since I came here. Now are you sure you want to waste your time? He smiled "I guess you know everything!" I disagreed, but he understood me. The next day, there was a loaf of bread in my room with a note that reads “Man, cannot live by bread alone” signed by the Canadian missionaries. Nice gesture, but how did he know where I live? I guess the US Patriot Act extends farther than I thought.

Even though I am not a member of the LDS faith, I do notice all the gorgeous people walking on our campus, I do have my own hot lists after all. You know I have a plan when I run into a beautiful lady. I walk to that lady and look here in the eye and say: "You know I am not LDS, but I want your phone n umber in case I wanted to join in so I can look you up" it would be cool if her response "Neither am I" that would be a change, but this never happens. Instead they tend to smile and ignore me--which seems to be very common response I follow it with this "ok, maybe you do not want to go out with me, maybe you like bacon too much-Muslims do not eat bacon- but my friend Donny, he is a good kid and return missionary and he would want to ask you out" "But I am going to need your number"

It is funny world we live in, I have been "hanging out" with this girl I have been friend with for a long time. It was a moment I wanted to upgrade the relationship to the next level, but the moment and only that moment that it seemed the entire campus has decided to also upgrade their relationship with the girl. Many guys have expressed interest and she now is being asked out by everyone and their dog. So I am not sure what to do, now? I am fighter not a lover, but one cannot fight love can they? I cannot compete with an entire campus, heck I do not even have a driving license. But when I remember there is enough for Hani to go around, I feel good.

My laptop was stolen the other day, and I was like, "no way, I just downloaded a new album of iTunes" This is my friends when you know that your laptop sucks and need not to shed tears on it. But it was a good album guys, it breaks my heart.

Regulars night at the laser tag is on Wednesday night so I went with my buddies (at laser tag, I call them gunners) but that Wednesday was Valentine day. I know, I am sorry, I do not feel the love around campus. Since most couples go out to dinners, or dances on the V- day, I thought this would leave us the place unoccupied so we can get to our game on time instead of having to wait around. Wrong I was. The place was crowded, by none but couples. I was shocked. What are these couples doing here? "Let's celebrate that day and express our love by shooting one another" "or love each other so much that we are willing to shot others" I can imagine that these guys will only go to Baghdad for their honeymoon to get their shooting Jolly"

Another laser tag story, as you all know by now, I love Laser tag games and I always play against the regulars or the rejects as some call them. I was having a bad day and I went to the game, there were 20 of us in the hall and we all played, I struggled during the game to keep my record, but it was hard, I got dominated by these nerds. 40 minutes later, I was handed my score sheet and I came 19th out of 20, only ahead of a blind guy who enjoys, believe me this is embarrassing when your score is announced to everyone in the room. In the second game, I determined to play better, but I said it was a bad day, I was kicked in cheerios really bad, but when we came out form our second score, I improved I was 11 instead of 19 this time, I felt good, but not for too long. I was told that I came last time, since more than half of the guys have left the room. The only difference this time is that the blind guy has won it all. I want to apologize to all my Arab and Muslim friends out there, I am an embarrassment and they have the right to excommunicate me. I cannot get a virtual combat to works for me.

I was talking to my friend over the phone about this girl, then she asked me "Do you have a thing for her?" I was like a thing? No thing, I just want to marry her! I was joking, but she was offended because she thought I was making fun of her English. But by the time i was to say sorry, it was too late.

On Sunday, the other day, I was watching the OSCAR show on ABC, and my roommates had a stake conference (a church event) and when they got back, they were watching this with me. I mean it was a Sunday, but it was funny to see them all jumping form their seats when the Elders' Quorum President walk in for some reason, everyone of my roommates was trying to look busy and not be watching the show on Sunday! I realized what had happened so, I grabbed the EQP and told him, see I am the one who is watching this, none of my roommates have anything to do with it. You know me a gentile, so I can do this on Sunday. I mean some LDS people do watch TV on Sunday, but it was funny to see how much respect my roommates had for this guy. The EQP smiled and grabbed my hand and said, "We still love you man!" I was like "Sure, good for you"

I was thinking about this the other day, back in Gaza a lot of farmers give up their lands so that their kids can use the property to build a new home on it where they can start a family of their own. So as a result, prices of fruits and vegetables are only increasing even though, everyone is getter poorer and more than 60% of the population is living under poverty line. So, in Gaza it comes to Babies vs. Potatoes. These farms are usually either used to grow potatoes or flowers, but now the folks use them to make babies. It is a tough choice, but I think we have so many babies back home, not enough potatoes to go around!

I have heard this form so many people around campus, girls get a way with a lot of honor code violations than guys can. Tell that to that Nazi at the testing center who would not let me take my test if I was looking scruffy. But I think BYU has a good reason not to hire too many girls who will enforce the code. Here is why BYU does not hire many females than males in jobs that require the enforcement of the honor code. First, girls are nicer than guys, period. Imagine a female employee telling guy that his shorts are too short, or his beard is showing, or his mustache is not well trimmed. What do you think the next thing the guy would say, “Dude, the girls was totality checking me out” I cannot believe it. Guess what, I do not believe it either, yeah, get a hold of yourself.

So, I have been going around campus on V-day and it has stroke me that there is a serious difference on how guys act when they have flowers and how ladies behave, it is interesting and different, even I could not help, but notice the difference. When a lady is carrying flowers, she walks with pride and walks tall like she wants you to know, "I am hot, and people obviously know that!" Good for her I say. But when I look at a guy who is carrying flowers with him, he is like shy and avoids eye contact with anyone and you feel them saying: "I am sorry, I did not buy them, she gave'em to me!" "I am still a guy I watch baseball and go to Burger King!" Why do we do that, I really do not understand, maybe I need to have flowers given to me to figure that out. (I am not soliciting flowers by any mean)

Another weird American thing I still cannot yet digest is the fact that some ladies, ask guys out and they pay for their dinner or their date. I have no problem with ladies asking a guy out, but the fact that they pay for the date, is startling to me. As a guy I really feel weird having a girl do that and pick up the tap for my food or things I consume. Do not get me wrong, but I HATE that practice, why do guys do that? I mean understand if you are asking by a reject female friend makes such offer, but no other way I can digest ladies picking up the tap.

Another item, I am grateful for is the MP3 players, what a cool invention. Thanks you America for giving me a cool empowerment tool. I do not know about you guys, I have seen some people use these things to listen to music or podcasts. I do have an MP3 player and I wear it around campus not for the music, but

• To preserve my intelligence, I no longer have to listen to stupid guys telling and retelling their buddies their break up story in the library, no l0onger do I have to listen to this guy who is yelling next to me in a foreign language.

• To avoid running into people I do not want to talk to, as I am walking from a class to another, there is this weird guy form the Elders' Quorum. I just move my eyes at them and smile and move on, I no longer I have to great or chat with those who I do not want to chat with. And guess what? Even if I some of those weirdoes catch me off guard and strikes a conversation, I just pull my MP3 player and signal to them "Hey Buddy, got a bigger fish to fry now!"

Trust me this works and it saves so much time.

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Honor Killing, Had Enough?

I read this somewhere and I really like the issue of how an entire population reduces its honor to a piece of Skin!

Hello,

Today is International Women's Day, a day when women worldwide celebrate their achievements and take stock of the challenges against them. Today is a day like any other, and as such, 13 girls and women will be murdered in the name of "honor", like the three women murdered in Gaza on the 27th of February where "honor" is the suspected motivation, a women murdered in Sindh on the 26th, the woman choked to death in Jordan on the 23rd, and the two young women hacked to death in Pakistan on the 22nd.

Today in London, numerous defendants will stand in the dock in the Old Bailey, accused in what police have termed the "honor" killing of Banaz Mahmoud Babakir Agha, a twenty-year-old girl from Iraqi Kurdistan with a sweet heart-shaped face and the temerity to end an unhappy marriage forced upon her at a young age, and to seek to rebuild her life with a partner of her own choosing. Her dismembered body was found buried in a suitcase in a garden belonging to her relatives.

For families that follow the doctrine of "honor", women are possessions of the males in their family. Her "honor" resides in submission and chastity. Her role is ancillary: as a daughter, a wife, a mother. At all stages of life she is defined and controlled by the males within her circle, and any attempt to express her personhood and particularly her sexuality must be violently controlled. The "shame" brought to a family by female autonomy can only be erased by her murder.

Even rumour is enough to sound a death-knell for some young women: Hamda Abu-Ghanem, whose death was reported on the 17th January, was the eighth woman of her Israeli Arab family to be murdered in the name of "honour" in six years. She was deemed to have dishonored her family by holding long conversations on the phone and having once met her cousin.

United Nations Population Fund estimates that over 5000 victims a year are killed in the name of "honor", however gathering any reliable statistics is hampered by the fact that female children are often not registered at birth and so live and die without leaving any records, and by the conspiracy of silence created by the family and by collusion by police, judiciary and medical services who are sympathetic to the culture of "honor". Even more uncountable are the women and girls who live constrained lives under what Nyamko Sabuni has termed "honor oppression", where the threat of "honour" crime leaves women as virtual prisoners, too afraid to assert their independence and enjoy their full status as human beings in their own right.

A phenomenon which has been hitherto veiled in ignorance and obscurity has been forced into the light and various countries have been forced into confronting this brutal, patriarchal form of violence and oppression. Even so, much remains to be done to mobilise society against such crimes. Banaz Mahmoud Babakir Agha reported her fears on numerous occasions to the London Metropolitan Police, even providing the names of the men who are now standing trial. Protection was not extended to her, a failure in which British society is culpable along with the murderers. Revulsion against these acts of brutality must not be used to feed into racist attitudes. Racism in society against minorities and may discourage the majority who oppose these acts from speaking out for fear of increasing prejudice. For change to happen all parties must feel able to approach each other in the spirit of co-operation, with openness, honesty and a straightforward wish to address the issues.

Investigating the murder of Hamda Abu-Ghanem, Commander Yifrah Duchovny said "The hardest part at these crime scenes is the quiet: Each time my stomach turns over in finding the body of a young girl, and around her the house is quiet. Everyone stands silent. There is no crying, there is no shouting and there is no cooperation."

But this silence was soon broken by a wholescale revolt of the women of the Abu-Ghanem family. Twenty women came forward and gave statements to the police and plan to testify against the males of the family, in spite of the dangers they face for so doing. The solidarity of these women in their decision to unite against their oppressors is a symbol of women's strength that should be celebrated today, on International Women's Day, a day like any other, a day in which 13 women and girls will be murdered in the name of "honor."

Best Regards, International Campaign Against Honor Killings

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LegaL FuN

Disorder in the American Courts very funny!!
These are from a book called "Disorder in
the American Courts", and are
things people actually said in court, word






for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the
torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
-------------------------------


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the
moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it
affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect
your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one
living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I
can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has
ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that
when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year
old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture
was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it
terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go
to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on
dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30
p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the
time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
patient was alive when you
began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
have been alive and practicing
law.



Disorder in the American Courts very funny!!

These are from a book called "Disorder in
the American Courts", and are
things people actually said in court, word






for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the
torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
-------------------------------


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the
moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it
affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect
your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one
living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I
can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has
ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that
when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year
old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture
was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it
terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go
to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on
dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30
p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the
time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
patient was alive when you
began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
have been alive and practicing
law.

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