15 Things “Never” to Discuss with an Arab

By Hanitizer

So, I thought about a list of things that you should not discuss with an Arab person. I present 15 subjects you are not advised to discuss without serious drama or incident. Let’s keep this post more civil than the last list. Those on the list are either subjects that are too complicated to have an “elevator pitch” version. Every people have a closet full of subjects they would rather not address. You can always talk about sports, make fun of Canada and the latest and fret about Burger King commercial. P.S. If you are one who likes to over-intellectualize arguments…skip this list.

1. Any Arab Internal Strife
Internal Strife that is an issue that people would rather not address, in any culture, we forget the liability, we look for the assets. Here, we have the White/Black divide or something politically incorrect. Yemen, Iraq, Bahrain, Lebanon, Palestine, Somalia and others got them. Did they win a fair democratic election or did they not? Who sucks more? Vs. who insists on sucking? Who has a claim to a land, a region, a place of worship? Many hot issues that many Arabs and supporters of their cause would rather not address especially when Israeli settlers are uprooting olive trees in the West Bank and when American occupation is still in full swing. The joke goes , life is three days; one day for party A; another for party 2; and the third day is judgment day.

2. Anwar Sadat
The Jury is still out on Anwar, Arabs not sure what to make of him, was the genius and visionary leader the West celebrate? Or was he an agent of the Western powers? Did he do well with his peace treaty with Israel, or did he just sell out and put the Palestinians under the bus? Some might say he actually would have gotten more land for the Palestinians than they can ever take from any Israeli government. So you know he is both a war hero and a peace champion, but is he a collaborator? Go ahead and try to talk about Sadat, but make sure you know your facts straight and you have no urgent appointments in the next 48 hours.

3. Haifa Wahbe’s Moral Standing
Well, is she a Sharmoota or just a single mom that makes cute, funky music with occasional flaps? Yes, most Arab men make fun of her and the way she performs on the stage, but nobody has said I do not like it. Is she active in her Shi’a community and is she the true fan of Nasrallah she makes herself to be, or is she that one that appears in billboards with suggestive pictures and pauses. Yes, some will say what she does is entrainment, others will label her as slut—maybe they are jealous of her dazzling looks and her positive attitude. Others will say she used to work as a prostitute part of a ring that was busted few years in Beirut.

4. The Prices of Oil
Almost all Arabs pay for their oil; they do not get it for free as some might think. Some Arab countries oil costs more than what one pays here in the States. When Jack comes and whines about the prices of oil to an Arab, this is being insensitive. Jack is probably is confused by the fact that many Arabs in the States like to own gas stations. It counts as an accusation like “Ahmad, you are so greedy!” you can say we have thin skin about this subject, but c’mon none of us has an Arab discount card, the Saudis are probably laughing at both of us—laughing all the way to the bank. This is perhaps the main reason most Arabs hate the Gulf States, that and their gigantic private parts.

5. Palestine
It’s a sensitive topic, so be careful what you walk into. It’s not an Arab gathering until the question of Palestine comes up, I am pretty certain that opinion on Palestine is prerequisite for being Arab intellectual. Ask yourself, when was it last time you spoke to an Arab about Palestine only to find them indifferent? Hell, even the sleaziest kids from the Gulf have managed to form an opinion. And that’s exactly why you won’t avoid the subject; we are just grown tired of hearing you say, “I never thought about it this way!” Yes, being a full-time Arab can be demanding, so if you have a question about it, here is an idea…Google it, also you may remember an ancient tradition to gain knowledge, public libraries. The moment Glen Beck stops saying stupid stuff, Arabs might be willing to change their mind on Palestine.

6. That Award Winning Holocaust Movies
Arabs sympathize with the victims of the Holocaust; we feel cheated because the Jewish tragedy seems to get extra attention at the expense of Palestinian suffering—not comparing here. Sure the Arabs might have brought on some of their own problems, but I’ve also heard of Jews who were gatekeepers for the Nazis. Palestinians just want to be treated fairly. The majority of Arabs do not deny the Holocaust; they see it morally wrong. Movies about the Holocaust are made as often as Nancy Ajram makes a delightful music video. It’s a sucker move on the studio’s part to win some nods, but Arabs do not see the needs of paying 10 bucks to see what they can watch on Aljazeera for free. Last year there were at least five Holocaust themed movies, if that’s not a commercial exploitation of a human tragedy, I do not know what else is. That is an OD on destruction of life. The only two American movies were being shown in Egypt this summer were “Inglorious Bastards” and “Defiance”—strangely the two movies deal with the Holocaust

7. Dangers of the Hookah
Yeah, yeah, we also read the study that says Hookah is more dangerous to the lungs, hookah gives you this, hookah gives you that…blah, blah, and blah. Yes, the tobacco used is toxic, and water is polluted, the coal makes it worse, but really you think that will stop hookah enthusiastic from enjoying its spark. Save yourself the kill buzz mode and stop raining in the Middle Eastern man’s parade and if you do not like sucking a hookah, stop sucking by believing everything you hear. As someone who does not smoke it, I like the company of hookah smokers because it makes me feel dangerous. (BTW, where does it say you have to have a goatee to be qualified to smoke hookah?

9. Crying Over Darfur and only Darfur
The Crying over Darfur is a tragedy, but I think the West would get a lot more Arab support against it if the West acknowledged the another Darfur of the Arab world: Palestine. Maybe because most of us lived under deceptive dictatorships, we Arabs have a talent in detecting double standards. Many of Arabs here raise money for Darfur and others volunteer there. Yes, it’s a crisis, it’s horrible what these bloody crazy tribesmen are doing to innocent civilians in Darfur, killing, torture and rape has not place in modern day of age. When I see synagogues sport banners supporting Israeli wars on the civilians’ of Gaza and Lebanon next to a banner calling to save Darfur, I cannot help by want to cry.

10. The Superiority of the Arabic Language

You know some Arabs will let you know right to your face, you can never speak Arabic as well as he/she can. You spend five years of nothing but learning Arabic and then this Iraqi kid comes and tell you, “Oh, you speak Arabic, I bet you cannot understand me” and then he talks to his buddies and gives you a look that he is watching you watching him. Learning Arabic is great, not so much trying to convince Ahmad that your Arabic is really good. Like Ahmad ran out of things to be proud of, and now he is left with pride in his mother tongue that helped give the Spaniards the world “pillow”, I do not know if I will take pride in teaching someone the Arabic word for “pillow”, a device people use when they are lazy.

10. Salma Hayek Cleavage
Speaking of Arab influence on the Spaniards, here is a golden one, Salma Hayek, yes she is Mexican, and on hot scale of one to 10, she is a million. Yes, she shows too much skin and boobage, but with all due respect, you hate it when Arabs cover up, you cannot also hate it when Arab reveal too much, pick a side. You do not speak ill of her, she is one of us and whatever movies she makes, we will watch. She’s recently went to Egypt to take part of a film festival, Sandy, a Tunisian actress criticized Salma for her modest dress compared to the Tunisian actress’ own dress. Here is an idea to get Arabs and Latinos to watch movies about the Holocaust, put her on one.

11. The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
Sorry world, we are also embarrassed by this country and its practices against individuals of different creed and beliefs, hell most Muslims got nothing nice to say about this very rich yet sealed country . Maybe that’s why God gave them so much money, because otherwise, no one would want anything from them. Dismal human rights record, religious moral police engaging in shameful acts and putting a showcase of abuses to Saudi’s own citizens (thanks to YouTube) Saudi Arabia deserves our silence, they bought it with their petro dollars. Saudi Arabia contribution to ruining the image of Muslims is only matched by to the contributions of Tweeter to ruining the English language.

12. Talk about Sex, not Impotency

Why? Arab have a lot more kids than almost anybody on the plant, there is no need to talk about sex in public, it’s a private matter. Judging from Egyptian films, it seems that Egyptians and Arab men are obsessed with the drug Viagra to help them rise to the occasion. In the same token there have been a number of films that deal with women sexuality, when it comes to sex, it turn out that Arabs are doers and not just talkers. It’s impotency that Arabs do not like to bring up, that’s the seven hundred pound gorilla in the room.

13. Superstitious!
Arabs perhaps are the most superstitious people you will know, they like to brag about things, until they feel there is jealousy or envy involved “the eye” then they start taking down. “I have a great job”, becomes “I hate it my work”, “my kids are good looking” turns into, “I hate their face” and so on to deflect jealousy. Jinx might as well be an Arab word. So if got a nice car, a sweet dig, make sure to trash it so people do not envy you. I have forgotten about this jealously and envy (حسد ) thing until I went back home this summer, only to be reminded of it every time something goes wrong. A car breaks, an accident, someone goes off, a dish breaks, a photo film goes bad, someone get sick, you fail an exam and many more things goes bad–there is always an explanation that only make sense to your mother and her mother.