You will disagree with me, but if diplomacy is the continuation of war by other means, then Facebook is the continuation of narcissism. It might as well be the largest waste of time in existence where you are to take a million pictures of yourself or anything and post them on your Facebook. And then comes those annoying notifications commenting on my comment. But I get it, it makes it easier to get in touch with people, connect with old friends, upload dozens of pictures, and do so much more. In the meantime here are 7 types of Arab Facebook friends you might want to lose.
1- The Sheikh,
This person does not believe in pictures, so his profile picture is something of either the dome of the rock, Mecca, or some religious test in nice calligraphy. He always has quotes from religious texts and stories of early Muslims. He/she often comments on your pictures with language that has double meanings, but mostly he/she disapprove of your lifestyle, like the picture of you smoking a hookah. Insists on using religious Arabic phrases in all occasions. He does not belong to any causes or anything political, just pure religion. Heck, they might even use the Muslim lunar calender for kicks. Most people put this person on limited access so they are not in the know. It’s good when there is an ongoing war as they can spread a word of prayer. The Sheikh is the only one in your Facebook friends that won’t wish you a happy birthday because it is Haram. Favorite useless Facebook application: SuperPoke.
2- The Gossip Hub,
Did you see their pictures in Ramallah? I cannot believe she would wear that. That’s how it starts, and next thing you are bashing your cousins and friends. You will later find out that the gossip hub memorized every negative word you said and passed it on to further advance their agenda. Since the gossip hub has an appetite for details, their profile picture is most likely a portrait. Gossip is not a new business, but the social media makes it so easy and so hard to resist as more people allow you to peak into their private lives. Their power comes from having too much time and easy access to unassuming “friends”. Thanks to the new group feature, you can keep them in the dark. Hey, Gawker is hiring. The gossip hub expects the entire world to acknowledge their birthday like it’s a national holiday or something. Can we please stop it with the poking? Why are you poking me every five minutes? You’re now getting on my nerves. Favorite useless Facebook application is: “Food Fight”.
3- The “I need a Spouse”
This guy changes his profile picture every five seconds and he is the first to comment on your status update and photos. Maybe he needs a job and not a spouse as no one in their sane mind will put up with their addiction to the Internet. They love to overshare, and often do more damage to themselves than good: I do not need to know the burrito you had for lunch was your one way ticket to the bathroom. No, we do not have an inside joke. Girls also qualify under this group, but they are smarter, they know everything, but they rarely engage in commentary out of fear being perceived as overexposed. She will constantly whine about being stalked and she is not a stranger to tongue typos. Maybe the guy and the girl in this category should change their status to “in a relationship” instead of “it’s complicated” which is a rather accurate description of their mental status. But not to sweat it, you are in the right place, this is a place where desperate people share a bunch of pointless info about their lives. Favorite useless Facebook application is: “Fortune Cookie”.
4- The News Junkie,
The Provoker, this person does not even have any friends in real life, but somehow he/she has 2000 virtual friends as they view it as an online popularity contest. Since the News junkie knows better than to post scandalous photos, avoids scandals their profile picture is fare and away style. They are also good as they update you on world news that you care about, I swear they beat the Huffington Post to the story. Aside from political stuff, they can be a good authority on Facebook sweet deals and promotional coupons. They are unafraid to get in pissing matches over analysis of news and their ill-informed opinion. They can be the activist kind which means they push you to add Code Pink as a friend. They have started more groups than Donald Trump has suites. Most likely to commit a Facebook abortion when they say something deeply controversial promoting a wave of de-friending. Favorite useless Facebook application is: “X-Me”.
5- The Editor,
The word you meant to use is “effect” not “affect”. Your love of Facebook is unconditional as only lonely and awkward losers such as yourself can pretend to have a life. They are under-educated and out to prove themselves, or they are too old to understand the various online acronyms. The Up Close and Impersonal is their style of profile picture as they always get up in your face. The editor will have swollen fingers or worse, they may have carpel tunnel syndrome. WTF! The universe works in mysterious ways. I guess Facebook is pretty rad, until you learn the majority of your “Friends” won’t write on your wall, or comment on your photos. In fact, most of your acquaintances have Facebook Alzheimer’s when it comes to remembering you from real life. You will respond to their negligence by viewing their photos and commenting on them just to be a buzz kill. Facebook is like Harley Davidson, it makes life more interesting and it gives the the illusion of fun, nothing wrong with little lies. Next time do not poke me, and if you do I have a Punch Me application and you are on top of my list. Favorite useless Facebook application is: “Are You Interested???”
6- The Baby Maker,
“Is the baby on your Facebook profile number 1 or number 2?” People here think they are too mature to post their real pictures so they try to make themselves look cool by belonging to some random inside joke groups proclaiming how they hate Starbucks or how they are part of Team Coco. Which is very appropriate as Coco is the universal word for crazy. They do not care for privacy as in real life they have too much of it. The drama comes when they post a new quote they just uttered thinking it’s funny only to be shamed into taking it out because it’s sexist, racists or homophobic. Why are you letting your kids eat that junk food and updating your status instead? And God forbid you ask them for a picture of their new born baby, “it’s on Facebook”, like they cannot be bothered to attach them to an email. Needless to say, their baby pictures got picked by a marketing company and now their baby has a giant poster selling diapers in China. Get over it you are getting old, go bowling and wear matching shirts with other couples. Favorite application is: “Make a Baby”
7- The Facebook Martyr,
They are the first to tell you they got screwed by Facebook, they hate it and they cannot stop complaining about their privacy. Creepy stalkers are after you, Facebook tells your friends you like chick flicks, your boss is watching you, the FBI has access to your account. But still, you are on Facebook posting the picture from the last party you went to. Profile picture would be either if some pop culture reference or a toast picture. Facebook is like the new mafia once you are in you can never leave alive, it’s impossible to delete the account, but stop trying to act like you fear for your privacy and personal safety. Nobody cares and you are not doing yourself any favors either. Everyone knows people here attempted a Facebook suicide, only to return few weeks later as it turn out they do not have a real life. Favorite application is: “My Fairyland”
[Tarboush Tip: Peppermint Patty]
