43 Reasons Why This is My Gaza!
By
HanitizerSince I wrote the
22 O Snap I am in Gaza Moments, I have experienced more of the things that make Gaza unique. I am sure many of those things mentioned are not so unique to Gaza. Here are more Gaza special observations, I mostly wrote those in taxi cabs, boring religious sermons, and while sitting with obnoxious family members.
1. Gaza now is a nation of law; the popular lawyers’ jokes give it away.
2. When you are lean and fit, they tell you “Eat” when you do and get fat, they say “Oh, you are disgusting” Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.
3. Field Research confirm: if Palestinians can fly, Israelis would be covered in bird shit.4. Poor folks are more popular in Ramadan than Saint Nicolas in Christmas season.
5. When guys boogie, they dance better than those cheap Vegas hookers, when they fight they fight like those Casino Mafia lords.
6. Friday is still the day they all observe call weekend, yet it is not like anyone has a job.
7. When a business tells you it will be done in a day, that’s just the beginning of a long-term commitment.
8. Everything you’ve ever owned can be packed and evacuated in under 3 minutes, we have random Israeli shelling to thank.9. If armed men stop your car in the middle of the night, most likely they want you to give them a ride to the local hookah bar. Remember, pimpin’ ain’t easy.
10. Everyone and their mother wear a hijab, yet hairdressers are the richest snobs in town.
11. It’s so much easier ordering ice cream, there is only three kinds and none of those hard to pronounce names they got at Cold Stone. PhD in phonetics is not required nor encouraged.
12. Car mechanics are still schmucks, blood sucking parasites, and greedy bastards. Just like everywhere else, they are hated by everybody.
13. Not paying your water and power bills is still the patriotic thing to do.
14. Public display of affection (PDA) is encouraged as you are engaged, but all but banned when you are married.15. Lasik technology is the hottest thing in Gaza, hotter those Israeli phosphorus bombs. Not to say that Palestinian leaders have a good sight.
16. Contrary to the nature of things, technologies get better as time passes by, in Gaza they get more backward, 2005 internet was faster than 2009
17. No one has a steady job, but everyone acts as if they are busy all the time.
18. Nader might have introduced Seatbelt to America, but Gaza did not get the memo.
19. Gaza is a great way to get over your addiction to anything powered by electricity. Power goes off as often as Dick Cheney opens his mouth and says something creepy.
20. When you take a cab on an errand, the driver expects to be invited to do whatever it’s you are doing.
21. Fishing, one of America’s favorite pastime is a classic Gazan act of resistance.
22. If neither your house nor your car features common prayer for people to see, you are a card carrying member of the Palestinian communist party.
23. You might have all the education in the world, but that does not stop your mom from telling you how to probably cut your hair and tuck your shirt.
24. No matter how clean your shoes are when you leave the home, they won’t be when you get to your destination.
25. When someone introduces himself beginning with “Your Brother in Allah…” you know what to do.
26. Even if you do not smoke, by the end of the day, you would have inhaled tons to toxins—against your will.
27. Napkins, paper towels, and plastic food wraps have yet to make it mainstream in the various Gaza restaurants.
28. Zoos are all over the strip, every town has its own zoo, all you need is a lion, a duck, a chimpanzee, and a chicken: 10 shekels a pop.
29. So many men grow long beards in Gaza in anticipation of being hired in America as a Mall Santa in time for Christmas.
30. People talk politics, politics and more politics all the time, just like in DC. Not sure if the Palestinians might not talk to each other once everything is solved (yeah right!).
31. if you wash your own dishes, that makes you a Gaza womanizer, since all the women chill in the kitchen.
32. One in ten admits to having mental problems, the jury is out on the 9 others.
33. Leaving your relatives house after paying them a visit, is like pulling teeth, you are never done until it is over.
34. Organic food (Baladi) is everywhere, except people are not into the whole fad.35. DC might have too much change right now, Gaza has too few coins.
36. Mecca Cola is everywhere in the Strip, Al-Aqsa cola is jealous.
37. Cabbie drivers refuse to be tipped and think you are paying them an insult.
38. Bromance is alive and well in Gaza, guys still hold hands, kiss and dance together.
39. Gazans dress like Europeans, work and eat like Americans, get by like Cubans, and smoke like British trains.
40. The Streets in Gaza is the world’s largest junk yard. Don’t bail out Detroit car companies; allow them to sell their cars in Gaza. Hell, Gaza can use few armored cars.
41. Gazans love Barack Obama more than Chicagoan love their home boy.
42. Gazans still cannot comprehend the fact that George Bush was disliked in the States.
43. Israel might not allow fresh meat into the Strip, the beach in Gaza is a true sausage fest.
The dream starts with me hanging out at the Syrian-Israeli borders and there were few Israeli tourists—the way they leered at me gave it away. We were looking at a huge mountain made out of mud; it looked more like a wall than a mountain. All of a sudden Bashar Al-Asad, the president of Syria shows up on a motorcycle coming from the Israeli side and heading toward the Syrian side. Attached to his motorcycle was a giant robot following him and looking more like a bodyguard to the president. The tourists started to checkout this futuristic scene not knowing what to make of it. There were a few other motorcycle ridding men who looked like they were parading in a show of force. The moment Bashar got into the mountain, through one of the giant holes it had, an Israeli unit showed up chasing him and his men. At that moment some random people showed up in fighting mode as if they were anticipating the Israelis. The dream gets even weirder as a group of men show up with lions, think Aslan from Narnia. The lions were angry and had chains to their necks. The men commanded the lions to take the chains and go into the mountain via a hole in the mountain—a different one—and secure the gate behind Bashar. The lions headed toward the mountain with their chains and struggled to get through the hole; the hole seemed not big enough. Eventually they made it and the Israelis were held back; they could not go after the president of Syria or any of the parading men.
