7 Girls Arab Guys Hit On

I love picking on Arab guys (13 Arab Men You Should Never Date, 7 Arab Guys You Should be Marrying right Now). I’m like the U.S. Army in some ways. My posts are less deadly though so they’ve been taking all my jabs in good stride. Arab guys are fun to study. They’re so weird. This is especially so when it comes to dating and marriage — two barely related activities for Arab men (the women they date are only rarely the women the marry — and YOU are likely not the exception). Here is my list on the type of girls that seem to attract the attention of Arab men. I base this list on personal observations, scientific research, and studying Arab male mating seasons.

1. The white girl from Arabic class She wanted a tutor and he wanted a study buddy from the opposite sex to boost his confidence in this new land (and he’s taking Arabic for the same reason). It’s more of friends-with-benefits since he’s just looking for female companionship and she wants the good grade. When he dreams about her, he doesn’t see them running through green fields, he sees a Green Card, and sex. She may start to see a different green: Ay-rab money green. Things go great until she completes her foreign language requirement. A few months later she dumps his broke, hairy ass, to which he can only respond “ilhas.” Four months is better than none, so he begins searching for summer Arabic courses.
2. The activist She is cool, smart and not judgmental, at all. Meaning, she’d screw anything. He’s glad to play the exotic Arab bit. She’s the closest thing to the Hollywood depiction of a woman who will go home with a man after meeting for the first time. He spotted her at the local falafel shop and remembered her from some protest a year ago (because Arab men remember seeing people like that. I swear). She is very informed and sympathetic to the cause. He tells her, “hey, they are screening this new documentary movie, would you like to go with me?” The next date is to hear a speech by Norm Finkelstein. At the local Indian restaurant he finds out the hard way that she is a vegetarian! That is an enormous turn-off. He eventually gets sick of all the super intellectual conversation 24/7. Things fall apart when she leaves to Ramallah for an International Solidarity Movement trip. She moves on and has no regrets getting into her next Mohammaden fling.
3. The girls at the club who asked for a smoke Nothing to do in the little town and fresh off the boat, he sees a Latina and she’s total hotness. She sees him as possibly-Latino but more garlicky. She asks if he’s got a cigarette, a major green light. Their major beef is the classic Arab-Latino debate: “You know I love Shakira, she is Arab.” She always yells back, “NO! She is not, habeebee.” It’s extremely fun and Latinas can be easily mistaken for Arab girls, which comes in handy when the accidental Facebook photo goes up. But her inexplicable Catholicism becomes and eventual deal-breaker. But that’s cool. he was never going to marry her anyways. She was just way too much fun.
4. Flirt-to-Convert Prospect She comes to the Friday prayer services and she wears a head cover, you think she is interested in Islam and she tells she would convert if she married a Muslim guy. Sounds like serious marriage material, right? He even starts checking in with the parents back in Yemen to see if they will be cool with it, before even talking to the girl. Since she’s got Sami Yousef on her iPod, he thinks he found love. She is smart and good looking, but something isn’t quite right about her. It could be she was playing Muslim as part of her class study experiment, or she was just a little nutty. If she converts and dons the niqab, it’s the latter.
5. OMG Sana is not Arab! She looks like an Arab, she talks like an Arab, but she isn’t. She’s kind of like the halal version of the Latina. Actually she may be cooler than most Arabiyyat because she’s got less crazy hang-ups and anxieties. So, it could work. Most Arab men will initiate conversations with Sana, captivated by the enigma of her ethnic origins but immediately turn away once they find out she’s actually of Kashmiri extract. But, she’s cool with it. She is, after all, better looking than all Arabs and comes with less drama and less make up, or so she thinks. The risk is he gets scared by how much of the Koran she’s got memorized, the perfection of her Arabic pronunciation and he throws her in the friend zone.
6. The fellow intern Though most college men think they will get nothing out of an internship, because they know everything already, they hoped for this. Working along side him, or possibly seen as an event for interns, he spots her. She’s as novice and clueless as he is, so maybe he actually can impress her. Their both away from home and lonely, and that’s the secret to his new found charms. She is either from his home country or from Lebanon; while they never really date, they always do stuff and people start talking around the office. He may want to do the right thing and meet her parents, but they know he still has to pay college loans. They’ve got a charming physician lined up for her, but she is going to marry that handsome lawyer instead. She is a lot better looking than he was anyways. Being in close quarters all summer fooled them into love.
7. The home girl After all else failed, this one can be found at the local church or mosque, community event or family-friend party (ideally she’s friend, not family). But they really cannot rush love, but their moms can so hitting on is actually encouraged by the parents. Sad but true. In fact, if he does not hit on her, his mother will say some mean shit: “Your hair is turning grey,” “you are balding,” “Your grandma thinks you like boys” or “I’m very sick and this is my last wish.” None of this is true, but screwing with his head gets him to act. And one day he spots her at a relative’s wedding and since they have a mutual friend, it kind of just happens. Congrats. Game Over. You Lose!

[Tarboush Tip: Sana, Will]