Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Candid Guide to Arab Dictators

2011 is shaping up to be a rough year for Arab dictators, everyone is freaking out as they watch one of their own fall and the people whom they have screwed over for a long time, are finally fed up and gearing up for a fight. Well, being a dictator is not as easy as it looks. For starter, you have this thing called the internet you have to worry about it. So I gathered few tips for those up and coming dictators can use:

  1. Un-invent the Internet, if possible.
  2. Give the unemployment free Internet and cable TV with as many music video channels as you can find. Let them talk Haifa Wahbe all day.
  3. Do not censor their Internet, let them watch pron all day. Those who watch porn all day won’t have the energy to protest in the streets, they have their hands full.
  4. Don’t ever mess with the prices of flour, sugar, rice, and tea. It is very important to keep prices on tea as low as possible since it is the drink of choice to keep the unemployed at home. Tinker with the prices of flour and rice and you will have droves of angry homemakers who will aggravate their spouses, and their spouses will aggravate you.
  5. Do not ever fire someone close to the army, just don’t. more often than not this is the the first nail in your regime’s coffin.
  6. Build mosques and offer free food as those places, you will keep the religious folks there all day, a lot easier to keep an eye on them then.
  7. Never listen to your spouse or let her/him outshine you. Keep the spouse on a short leash as every first grade dictator knows, you are doing this dictator thingy 24/7.
  8. Do not touch white people’s money or investments, this will bring the end of you and your Regine. Never get caught uttering the word, “nationalize”
  9. Have one of your kids serve in the army, it humanizes you with the foot soldiers and protects your regime and ensures the safety of your family.
  10. Let them wear the Hijab if they chose to! This is natural since thanks to you, everyone in the country is working undercover for you.
  11. Have the best soccer team money can buy, this is the one single tool that can keep the eyes of the people off you.
  12. Delegate monopoly, if you 34or a family member want wants to monopolize a commodity or a service, us front groups. If you must have monopoly on anything, go after the boats, smart phones, and leather products. Leave Tobacco and sugar alone.
  13. Avoid any confrontation with street vendors, because these guys can outshout anyone and they got nothing to lose and everything to gain, let them sell their produce in peace.
  14. Ask popular musicians to sing for you and remind people that you are the “gifted one” and that on occasion god speaks to you as you are both on first name bases.
  15. be coy and discreet about using the entire country and its resources as a giant ATM for your fantasies.
  16. Keep your friends close, but keep your in laws even closer.
  17. Go to the meat market, find the meanest butcher, make this guy your minister of interior. Then marry his sister only then you can have a good night sleep.

Good Luck and may the force be with you.




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