We all have reasons to hate this stupid government entity; one that wastes our time and the tax payers’ money only to turn around and give us lousy service and a piece of paper that could be obtained online much faster. If I could, I wouldn’t hesitate paying someone to stand in that line for me. But growing up in occupied Palestine, one has seen far longer lines. My beef with the DMV is that not only chaotic, unfriendly nightmare, but it also brings back old memories of back home, where the people in charge of the security checks are plain jerks. Israeli soldiers rarely speak Arabic so it’s hard to communicate with them; the officers at the DMV speak the same language as we do, but rarely do we make sense of what they are saying. And neither DMV workers nor Israeli soldiers recognize your existence as a human being, only as a subject to be processed. The only difference is unlike checkpoint, there are no hilly trails around the DMV waiting space. At least there is an upside for everything, random Israeli check points are no exceptions.The Smithsonian Native Indian Museum
Palestinians are mesmerized by the Native Indians and their struggle to survive despite all odds. We love the natives of America and support and celebrate their culture(s). We have an especially close affinity to the Apache and the Black Hawk tribes because Israel's attack helicopters carry those names.There are a lot of similarities: the new Israeli government wants to turn the Occupied Palestinian Territories into Indian reservations minus the casinos. Moreover, Indians are into embroidery and so are Palestinians; it’s not just a piece of cloth, but it’s a story and a tale, both of equal value. There is an unofficial rule in the native Indian culture: that every good Indian should carry a knife—Palestinians carry plenty of knives in their backs.
The U.S. Congress
This is a tricky one (with the exception of Dennis Kucinich) whenever I stop by this entity to pick up tickets or to meet a friend for lunch. I feel rightfully threatened as a Palestinian. Here is the most anti-Palestinian organization on the face of the planet and here I am strolling down its lobbies. I feel that every time I’m there, the politicians of Congress want to strip my jacket, my shoes, my watch and my phone and hand them to Israel. A feeling only matched when you are Palestinian in the Old City and the government tries to strip you from everything—even your dignity. So welcome home Palestinians! You have just arrived home where you will always get screwed by white men in suits. The State of Utah
The Mecca for Mormons around the world, people here get married at 21, practice their religion faithfully, are well armed, are socially conservative and are tough on outsiders. If Utah had an equivalent in Palestine, it would definitely be the Gaza Strip. C’mon man! Large families is a trademark of the State of Utah and the Gaza Strip. In Utah, pharmaceutical industries are large while in Gaza they do not have any. If you enjoy tough tasks and challenges, here’s one: try to get a drink in Gaza or Utah and see if you have any luck. Living in Utah, one of the most fun things for me was hunting and shooting; in Gaza we are into hunting, but the other end of the gun. In Utah, if you are inactive in your church, then kiss your social life goodbye; in Gaza they have one Church, but it doesn’t fit everybody within its old walls.Laser Tag and Paint Ball Venues
Nothing brings a Palestinian home as much as a shootout. Those are few of the places in this country where a Palestinian can be trusted with a weapon. In fact, they encourage Palestinians to go into those laser tag joints and paint ball fields because of their combat experience. In college, rarely did I have friends, but when I show up at one of those places, all of a sudden I become popular with all the teams: they all want the Palestinians to be on their side, despite the fact that I am somehow an embarrassment to my people. I mean, as a Palestinian I feel empowered when there is a shootout and taking on different teams only to sneak up on them and send them to recharge after I shoot them in the back of their vest. Of course, the party is ruined when that bipolar Israeli veteran shows up at the laser tag place only to put me to my utter shame.Maternity Wards
American men hate to be seen near one; they resent the smell of babies and the process of delivering one—not making one. To be frank, the occupied Palestinian territories are nothing more than one gigantic maternity ward. With one of the highest fertility rates in the world, the octomom got nothing on you. I, along with every Palestinian, don’t mind maternity wards; we love to spend time there. We feel comfortable visiting friends who have just delivered babies, because it reminds us of home; and we act like we're at home, with the bizr, plates of food, fruits, and bottles of drinks to make sure all visitors are fed. In some places, they hand out cigars to celebrate a baby's birth. We hand out stuffed grape leaves. It’s funny, because it seems that every day of the week, you know someone who either just had a baby or is now expecting a baby.Haunted Houses
Haunted houses are darker and spookier than Israeli settlements. Such places are full of creatures that only want to inflict harm and pain upon you, just like the zombie-looking Israeli settlers scattered throughout the West Bank. Haunted houses get a lot of business during the month of October, leading to Halloween. At these Halloween “Mansions of Fear”” or “Castles of Doom,” patrons pay to be frightened, but at Palestinian “Houses of Horror,” the Israeli zombies and blood suckers are the ones paying for the right to scare Palestinians. It’s funny, because the scariest times of the year also coincides with most holidays in in Israel (Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret, Simhat Torah, and so on). So, next time you see a screaming Palestinian at a haunted house, do yourself a favor and don’t ask them to go home. Dixie
I love the South, perhaps more than it loves me. But it seems that they love to blow things up, own big guns, obsess over cars, not get along with Jews, marry their cousins, pray a lot, and drink lots of sweet tea. They also shoot you if you trespass in their property—what Palestinians are also trying to do. But perhaps my favorite part of the South is their obsession with Civil War reenactments where they celebrate the fallen heroes they lost to the North. Sort of what Palestinians like to do: every conflict with Israel has been a reenactment of the previous war in which Israel killed tons of Palestinians and celebrated victory! No wonder there are tons of Palestinians in the Bible belt! But if you’re like me, then you know that the “South will rise again!”The Barrio
High unemployment rates, homes next to each other and on top of each other, extended families living in proximity, a diet high in sugar, and everyone knows everyone's business. The barrio in American inner cities ideal reminder of Palestine. Obviously the Palestinian refugee camps scattered around the Middle East serve as our barrios. Kids from the barrio are as tough as nails, and kids in Palestine are a match. There are the grocerias, or bodegas in New York, which also serve as the local barber, butcher, paramedic, immigration attorney (or notario), money wire and cell phone dealer as needed. The barrio is full of old men with endless stories of the olden days; the women with much to complain about and gossip; the men who smoke like trains, work like mules and party like beasts; and the kids who roam the streets in packs. While the Latino barrio is reduced by mainstream media to being a place for drugs and illegal activities (like existing), the Palestinian barrio is known for terrorism and illegal activities (like existing). Bonuses
Pool parties. Fat Americans sitting by the pool resemble fat Israeli settlers sitting by the pool. The difference is that Speedo's aren't popular in the States (thank God!)
Sports Riots. When Americans celebrate or protest their home sports teams, they often hit the streets and set shit on fire. We Palestinians do that too, except it's not for the Super Bowl but to end the Occupation. What's the difference, really?
July 4th. All the explosions and rampantly obnoxious patriotism feel real familiar to Palestinians who witness Israeli culture and its military.
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