Tuesday, March 01, 2011

The Fifteen Lies of Arab Dictators

With Gaddafi on the ropes, and Ben Ali and Mubarak relegated to the history books, we are getting a better sense of the delusions that Arab dictators propagate to justify their authoritarian powers.

Usually, the first big lie is something like, “I do not want to be president, I am just doing this for you.” They all think they’re benevolent despots, or at least they like pretending to be. That lie’s an obvious one, no one cracks down on dissent, rapes their country’s resources and puts billboards of himself all over the country out of the good of his heart. So we will include the more interesting lies in our 18 point list:
  1. If I go down, Al Qaeda and extremists will take over the country (which is SO MUCH worse than the extreme idiots in power now)
  2. The country will go into civil war and break apart (as they effectively attack protesters and try to turn the country against them)
  3. Life is good for my people! (despite 40% unemployment and everyone complaining in private all the time)
  4. The economy will collapse (even if it is oil-based or barely functioning already)
  5. The protests are an American-Israeli conspiracy (even used by allies of the US)
  6. My people love me!!!!!!! (as much as they love the plague)
  7. I promise major reforms (bigger prisons!)
  8. The protesters are all foreigners. See we caught one with a foreign passport! (she works for IHOP)
  9. I love this country too much to actually listen to the people who live here (just like those Kosher hot dogs, I answer to a higher authority)
  10. The opposition drinks, gives people free money and uses crazy drugs (because they have no legitimate qualms whatsoever)
  11. I have done so much for this country (a monkey at a typewriter could have done a better job)
  12. The protests are Facebook/the internet/Al Jazeera’s fault (no, it’s your’s)
  13. I’ll step down at some named date in the future (yeah, right)
  14. I am not the president, I do not have any real authority (yeah, just like those really old Wal-Mart door greeters)
  15. I am in firm control of the country! (if you exclude my obnoxious family )




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