17 Signs of an Arab New Year Party

For reasons unknown to mankind I found myself in New Jersey for this New Year. A friend of mine invited me to big Arab American New Year party in the Sheraton close to New York. I did go and I knew this would make it into a list, so I made sure to take a pen for the party. Here are few of my observations:

1. Most attendees are having a great time by dancing, eating and flirting, there is always that creepy and awkward kind of person who keeps staring at you and make you feel uncomfortable. He usually is seated on the VIP seating.

2. They only accept cash, and only cash. They figure paying with credit card is good to earn sky miles and Arabs do not want to get too used to flying.

3. The party only starts when that wealthy business guy shows up with huge cans to which his trophy wife is attached. Her cans are only rivaled by the female singer kicking off the new year. (Here is a dare to find an Arab female entertainer who is flat busted)

4. If a party balloon happens to explode, no one hides under the table out of fear of bombs.

5. No matter how hard you try to enforce a dress code, someone will show up in a Polo shirt and jeans and tell you, “You do not know who I am?”

6. Guys, we really need to figure out a way to cure baldness in the community, it is more eminent than getting Hannity’s insanity. Unlike money baldness cannot buy you love.

7. Best way to spot the single ladies is their constant movement around the room in and out moving in groups. Go ahead be a Tiger

8. There are at least two unidentified persons taking pictures or filming the event—as far as their employer, it’s a complete mystery.

9. Arab girls till this day swear they are blond naturally and I am naturally a leprechaun. Maybe it is the guys’ fault.

10. Most male attendees act like they come from douchebagstan by letting us know that really do not want to be here. Ladies, not since my last brush with Ash Wednesday in Boston have I seen as many prominent crosses.

11. Every guy shows up with at least three chicks and he makes sure to let you know that he is hell bent on abolishing polygamy.

12. Want to get everybody to dance it up? Dim the lights where cameras do not work, now see how most people will occupy the dance floor like the Israeli on Shaba Farms.

13. Arab girls are naturally shy, yet have killer dance moves; Arab guys dance moves make you wish they were shy.

14. Because a mob of hyper Arabs screaming 9, 8, 7, 6, 5….in a countdown is not suspicious or what so ever. You know what’s wrong when you see the white people duck and cover.

15. Why do we celebrate the New Year again? Last year was shittier than the one before it, more people will get killed, and we will lose more of our rights and make less money than the previous year? If anything we should look for a time-machine.

16. Because if her brother was there, you will be going home in an ambulance.