Ray Hanania Needs Circumcision to Stay Afloat

By Hanitizer

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The presidential candidacy of a Palestinian-American, Ray Hanania, has been ruled unconstitutional by the Palestinian Authority. Last month, the Chicago native and self-proclaimed “peace activist” announced his intention to run for President of Palestine by uploading a schnozz-shot video to YouTube and creating a Facebook group.

While Ray enjoys popular support in Zionists circles, he remains relatively unknown to many Palestinians. (In his defense, he is becoming somewhat of a YouTube sensation among stoners and Cheetos fans who’ve dubbed him “Palestinian Internet President Dude.”)

Noting Hanania’s relative obscurity, Ahmad Azahar – a Ramallah native who runs a Kool-Aid manufacturing plant – commented: “Who is he kidding? The net is slow in Palestine so Ray’s revolution will never be downloaded!”

The Palestinian Central Election Commission, the government body that oversees Palestinian elections, disqualified Hanania’s candidacy after he failed to pass a detailed health examination. Such examinations are standard practice in the Occupied Territory. To Hanania’s dismay, he was rejected on count of his uncircumcised penis. “Palestinian law states that all candidates seeking the high office must be circumcised,” stated an official who wished to remain unnamed. “The election commission requires these medical exams to ensure that all candidates have the testicular fortitude to stand up to the Israelis. In Ray’s case, we never had to go beyond the obvious.”

When asked if Ray could get a speedy circumcision to qualify for a campaign run, the official responded: “Candidates and electoral lists participating in the elections are forbidden from using campaign funds raised from external donors and foreign sources to finance such things. Given how cheap and pathetic his YouTube videos are, we highly doubt that he will be able to afford the medical expenses on his own.”

Election officials offered numerous other reasons for his rejection:
“Ray has a show called ‘Mornings with Ray’ that no one in his home country can even stomach,” grumbled a junior-level administrator. “How do you expect us Palestinians to take five years of that?”

There’s also the issue of Ray being an ardent supporter of the Chicago Cubs – who, as most baseball fans know, have been cursed since 1945. “C’mon! We got the curse of ‘48.” complained another administrator, “we don’t need to import another one!”

Ayman Talib, a professor of ethics at Najah University, opposes Ray’s candidacy for a different reason: “He is the master of political cross dressing. If all of Palestine’s assholes unite and vote for Ray, he may very well be our next president.”

Fortunately for Palestine, a recent poll conducted by the Tubas Sun-Times ranked Hanania a distant 9th in his candidacy for president – barely defeating a one-legged Palestinian Debkah instructor only known to locals as “Makhmoosh.”

Both members of Hanania’s campaign staff have thus far refused to comment on the Palestinian Central Election Commission’s decision to disqualify his bid for presidency. However, they did release a statement boasting his strong points: “The fact of the matter is that Palestine needs a tough guy to run things in Palestine – and Ray is just the guy to do it. When he does a pushup, he isn’t lifting his body off the ground, he’s pushing Palestine down.”

More as this story develops.

[Tarboush Tip: Programmer Buydatti]