Six Types of Imams I know

By Hanitizer

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1. The Brown Noser
This preacher is everywhere, but most likely exists in Muslim countries run by a dictatorship. He loves to pray for the “wise” leader, and ask Allah to grant him good health, while the local populace struggle. The brown noser has a cool title and usually wears colorful customs and head gear because sucking up never goes out of style, and it keeps that paycheck coming. The sermons tend to focus on marginal issues like using your right side, not smoking and not watching too much TV. They dare not talk about prices of goods, corruption, lack of good health care for the citizens, etc.

Invite them to: feasts and wedding parties.

2. The Jihad Dude
This guy worries me a great deal. He is all over the place, but he is scariest when he lives in the West and calls for Jihad, using code words to incite young men to feel victimized. Granted the Jihad dude is a minority, and whatever he says will come to haunt him as he applies for a residency in the host country. They are known for sporting colorful outfits and short garbs to give homage to the old ways. There is a chance this dude is just a bait to help identify the militants in the community where he will be a magnet, a snitch of a sort. But I found people who fall into this category. Resurrecting the Islamic Empire seems to be their theme. The Jihad dude likes to talk in detail about how they like their meat slaughtered and investigating Halal food sources. Don’t ever make the mistake to ask this guy for a fatwa on Yoga. He will laugh at you.

Invite them to: circumcision parties, or if you want to have the FBI over

3. The It’s All Good Pro
My favorite kind of preacher. He is cool, hyp, and down with the lingo. He’s got a Facebook account and his sermons make you feel good about yourself. The problem is that as you walk out of the prayer service, you completely forget what was said in the sermon. He is usually a second-generation Muslim with a good education and a happy life. This imam has what seems to be a model Muslim family with his wife and perfect looking kids. You will find him talking about how blessed we are to live in peace. He loves to lament his interfaith efforts and often invites members of other faiths to break bread together. This guy is quick to give you a fatwa on any subject and he tends to be on the easy-going side.

Invite them to: Interfaith functions, college debates

4. The Arabic Translator
This dude is an Arab, and he has a thick accent and bores you with his frequent and often terrible translation from Arabic verses and Early Muslim legacy. He is often apolitical, but occasionally when shit hits the fan in some Muslim country, and he does not disappoint to get involved. He is either a first generation immigrant or a Muslim that happens to be living abroad. The Arabic Translator has a PhD in some scientific field and a likable personality except no one told him, the majority of the people praying do not speak Arabic. The Arabic translator likes to work with new converts and you can spot him enunciating Arabic words to them. Note to self: It’s not Brazar, it’s brother.

Invite them to: Ramadan potlucks, baby showers

5. The Animated African
This preacher is the most animated and energized preacher you will find; master at making you feel like a turd. He often preaches about discrimination and injustice and how we do not care about others. “smile to your brother and sisters”, he tends to find conspiracies in anything, like the time when I was told the penny has the face of Abe Lincoln because it’s the only colored coin. He delivers good funeral sermons as he has a way with words, but not a good idea for any Eid sermon. He does mumble a lot, which makes it hard to make out what he is saying. But do not worry, you will make enough to feel terrible. This imam is an authority on oil based fragrances such as musk, nothing they love more than sharing it with you. Perfect choice to lead the prayer as his voice can be heard without a mic, which he shouldn’t use anyway.

Invite them to: political rallies, and demonstrations in front of the embassy

6. The Political Pundit
You go to your Friday prayer and then comes this guy swinging at you so many political theories to make you think you are on the set on some Aljazeera talk show. You went to become a better person, but this preacher has a knack for talking about politicians, the great Satan, and corrupted Muslim leadership. On the upside, this preacher will be either deported to his home country or jailed/banned by the local regime. This guy does not really call for anything, he just happens to be a news junkie with a microphone, making the Friday sermon a soap box for untested political theories and outlandish accusations. You really learn nothing new at those sermons, and your faith becomes a bit shaky once you leave the prayer service.

Invite them to: The O’Reilly Factor, MSA elections

[Taarboush Tip: Sarakenos]