18 Types of People in Your Arabic Class

The students who make up Arabic classes these days are a strange bunch of people. They came to study a vilified, difficult, yet beautifully poetic, language for any number of motivations or purposes. No list is complete, but the one below should be a useful guide for fitting your classmates into a useful spreadsheet:

1.The Arabic Music Excuse
Favorite hobby: Likes to hizz the wizz
This type likes to get his karaoke on and Arabic music provides such an opportunity. They also happen to hate country music. Most often they either like Om Kaltoum, Fairuz or Amr Diab; something about not understanding what is being sung compels this group to want to learn the language. People in this group have a soft and secret spot in their hearts for Sting and his hit song "Desert Rose." They've also probably seen an Arabic movie or two, but even they cannot pretend they're any good. Most likely won’t get past first year Arabic and will eventually switch to folk music. Favorite Arabic words: “Habibi” and “Ya”

2.The Gospel Noisemaker
Mostly Likely Name: Paul or Kimberly
The Middle East needs a bit more “turning the other cheek” and less “an eye for eye.” Good-hearted people belong to this group, usually hailing from large families. For fun, they drink the punch at church balls, and would love to bring you along. Not so much into Arabic music (nor any other music for that matter), they are usually quiet (for good reasons) and if they talk, they face the chances of becoming social pariahs. They will most likely make it into second year Arabic, but then stop. Their undergraduate major is either Communications or Humanities. They may join the ROTC to get some cash while spreading the “good word.” Favorite Arabic word: “Al Maseeh”

3.The Unyielding National Security Warrior
Mostly Likely Name: Jason or Dick (females too).
9/11, nine eleven, 9-11, September eleventh, the eleventh day of the ninth month of the first year after the millennium, 9/11. These never learned the difference between Arab, Arabic, Islam, Muslamics and still can't tell the different. They hail from Texas and neighboring states. They are usually good looking and have nice abs. They date a lot, but their dates usually despise them. They believe that America does no wrong and that the French are as evil as Sad-damn. Usually majoring in business or political science, they go on and study Arabic because they get a bonus check from the CIA, NSA or Pentagon to learn this “critical language.” Mostly likely they will either go and live in Syria or Morocco and spend their time there at the local KFC, updating their Facebook status. Favorite Arabic words: “Irhab,” “Jihad,” “Salafi,” and “Mujahideen.”

4.The Crazy Ethnic Lady
Mostly Likely Apartment Decoration: African masks
We can all get along and do good things while enjoying those magic brownies in the shape of colorful human. They usually hail from the west coast and certain pockets in the northeast. They can be identified by flowing clothes and accessories from "differet cultures." Most likely, they will not stick with Arabic, unless of course they seduce an Arab lover, but will jump on the next trend in ethnophilia.

Warning: these individuals can react to negative experiences, such as humiliating treatment by the professor, by turning hard right, into Fox News fandom. Favorite Arabic phrase: “Ahlan wa Sahlan”

5.My parents are racists

Mostly Likely Place of Origins: the Burbs
“My parents are racist who would not pay for my liberal education, so I really want to piss them off.” Members of this group are few. They appear similar to the Ethnophile Lady but they are driven by a much different motive, to rebel against their folks. They come from the suburbs of major cities and are probably majoring in dance or art, since their parents are engineers, lawyers or accountants. They most likely will not get past first year Arabic. Like the Ethnophile lady, all the wor is not really worth it, plus it's just a phase. After "dancing with the wolves," they go back to live with their parents' home, where their old Arabic textbooks gather dust in the garage. Favorite Arabic word: “Sharmoot”

6.The kid whose best friend is Arab
Mostly Likely Name: Tom
Usually from a major Metropolitan area (Michigan is the ideal place), they can never understand what those Arabs were yelling, but they sure enjoyed the Kenafeh.

They may make it to second year if they really like their Arabic friend. But if their Arabic friend is of the opposite sex, then their Arabic teacher will see more of them. They practice their Arabic for the friends' moms, but do not use the language beyond that -- other than in the occasional Arablish. Favorite Arabic words: “Khalas” with “Yalla” as a close second

7.The Kabob Monster
Mostly Body Shape: Pear
You run into them at the local hookah lounge. They usually wear photochromatic glasses and talk about food all the time. They are like the Indiana Jones of cuisine. Those who fall in this category have parents who can cook as well as Mike Tyson can box.

Their hero is Andrew Zimmern. You know them when they can tell you how to make kafta right and what it is called in each part of the Arab world. Their greatest talent is they recognize falafel and hummous are not Israeli foods. Favorite Arabic word: “Tahini”

8.I want to look cool white dude
Favorite Movie: Top Gun
Come from middle America where everyone is white. Learned hipness from BET and now Youtube. Being cool also means always being right, though. Which is why they rarely come to Arabic class: they achive seeming cool and not embarrassing themselves with stumbling over "strange Ayrab noises."

Known for their lack of any talents or otherwise, they search for anything that will make them standout, even if it is missing class. Since talking black is now outdated, Arabs are sufficiently dangerous and adequately cool. These people will most likely go to anti-U.S. rallies just for the photo op, and to look cool to their frat brothers. Not to forget that they will own at least a hookah and brag about how they can blow smoke circles. They think it goes best with shots. Favorite Arabic word: "sheesha"

9.The Conspiracy Theorist
Favorite Movement: 9/11 Truth
Often libertarians from the Southwest, they are the real anti-liberals. They do not believe that man ever landed on the moon, and think Ahmedinejad is an American spy.

Their favorite YouTube clip is about how the 9/11 was an inside job and a missile hit the Pentagon. They also want to study Arabic to find out what those Al-Qaida videos are saying because relying on media translators is not good enough. Oh yeah, plus looking for CGI effects since bin Laden is dead.

A lot of Arabs relate to their way of thinking. They have seen Oliver Stone movie "JFK" too many times and own a mask like the one featured in "V for Vendetta." Most likely won’t make it past first year of Arabic. Favorite Arabic words: “Al-Qaeda,” “Al-Abraaj,” "Al-Sohaynah," “Cheyney,” and “Mo’amarah”

10.But I have an Arabic Name
Mostly Likely Name: Aisha and Hasan
“My name is Ali!” or “My last name is starts with an Al,” they are usually from Latin America or Muslim. If they are girls, they overdo the makeup (Arab -style); if guys, they highlight their excessive chest hair. Not really interested in the language per se, but there are far too many Latinos in the school, and they obviously want to stand out. This group includes more than the Latinos; heritage speakers are also a part of this group: “My name is George Hanna, but don't speak Arabic, cause my dad wouldn’t speak it to us.” These have a chance to make it into Arabic and actually learn the language. Favorite Arabic word: “Manyak.”

11.I need a language
Most Common Feeling Invoked in Others: Annoyance
Arabic is the only class that starts after 10 a.m. plus they already speak Spanish, don’t like Cantonese, hate French, and find Japanese dull. After dimissing harder languages, Arabic is their last option plus offers great short-term job prospects.

They are usually hot, but play the innocent card to the extreme. If they are Republicans, then they will learn Arabic since the Air Force will encourage them to learn it; if they are Democrats, they will switch back to Portuguese and to be sex tourists in Brazil. They will most likely learn the language and actually excel at it because they are required to do a study abroad (or aninternship in Dearborn). Favorite Arabic word: “Jameeleh”

12.I need a Significant Other
Hint of Group Membership: Dress up for study groups
A lot more dudes study Arabic than women, for obvious reasons, like the national security motives. Thus, single ladies know the ratio is good for them, like a guy taking psychology courses.

There are some guys who are looking for love in Arabic classes, unless they are gay, in which case, the odds don’t look too good given the ability of right-wing nuts and pro-Israel infiltrators to blend in. Due to the lack of actual interest in learning the language, the partner-seekers tend to last one term, then take whatever language their new partner takes. Favorite Arabic word: “Jins”

13. The Curious George Types
Possible Other Role: Pro-Israel Monitor
These individuals has two sub groups:
A. Their parents are news junkies and the Middle East is always part of the news, at least the action and the drama segment. By default, this sparks an interest in such a region and its people and so Arabic emerges as the best tool to understand the natives their looney politics.

B. The second is there to monitor the class and make sure no one criticizes Israel. They do not confront the bias in class, but report the professor to various watchdog and civil rights groups. They do not hide their affiliations and can be seen serving cake on Israel day. They are also not to be confused with the Spunky Jewish Kid (see below).

Despite beeing very different, these sub-groups are nearly indistinguishable early on. Favorite Arabic word: for group A, "intifada," and group B, "dhimmi."

14. The Spunky Jewish Kid
Most Annoying Trait: Too much glottal on the "kh"
Jewish people can fit into any category here of course, but this group's catch phrase is the giveway: “this is just like Hebrew!” to which I often respond, “no Hebrew is like Arabic.” They may or not be Zionists, but like the sub-group above, they are good learners. The Spunky Jewish Kid is not monitoring the class for political correctness, however.

I enjoyed having political discussion with such students as much as I enjoy chewing on my own balls. But to be fair, Jewish students who study Arabic often have the biggest motivation not only to study it but also to excel in it. Favorite Arabic word: Anything that is found in Hebrew.

15. Converts and Readers of the Quran
Most Likely Names: Muhammad, Daoud, Mariam or Fatima
The majority (not all) of those who fall into this category are observant Muslims from places like Turkey, Bangladesh, Malaysia, Indonesia, India and Pakistan. The group is large enough to include the converts, the white or other person who just found Islam (they may resemble the Ethnic Lady).

Since the Quran is only meant to be read in Arabic, there is the incentive to learning Arabic. Members of this group are also in the Muslim Student Association (MSA), and they announce their events to the class each session. These tend to be vocal in their classroom often correcting their instructor's pronounciation. Most likely not going to get pass second year Arabic unless planning on marrying an Arab or going to Imam school. Favorite Arabic words: “Haram” and “Zabiha” and anything that offends the Jewish kid in the classroom.

16. The Pre-9/11 Sweet Spirit
Hint: "Nontraditional" -- meaning older -- students.
The most annoying of those groups are those few individuals who studied Arabic prior to 9/11. The One thing and the ONLY thing you need to know about this group: they studied Arabic, because they are selfless souls who just want to learn the culture of those good heartened people of the Arab World. Somehow they expect you to hand them a trophy for their genuine interest in learning a beautiful language, unlike those 9/11 folks who are just seeking to fill a need in the job market. Most likely they still study Arabic and work in the State Department or are coming back after being held hostage in Yemen for years. Pre-9/11 Arabic students want to feel special and love to hate on those who started to learn Arabic after the terrorist attack on the U.S. soil. By all accounts, this is a vanishing species. Favorite Arabic word: "Salaam."

17. Stupid Arabs who want to improve their G.P.A.
Most Likely names: From Abeer or Abed to Ziad or Zeina.
Shame on them. Students from Arab countries or students with Arab parents who take Arabic just to improve their G.P.A. are some of the most despicable on this list.

Professors are reluctant to admit those students in the classes because they know the shtick. These types of Arabic students use one argument and one argument only: my Arabic writing and my reading are not good. These students often meet their significant others in the Arabic class and will most likely be kicked out of the class for arguing with the professor for a better grade. Favorite Arabic words: “Hmar/a” and “Kelb/a.”

18. The 20 Camel Girl
Hint: Look for an Arabic tattoo.
This is a female that at a young age, went on a vacation to, or grew up in, an Arab country (most likely Egypt, Jordan, or the Gulf, and possibly Lebanon). The ones who speak fluent Arabic may be secret members of te GPA-boost group. Most lived on compounds and grew up as Americans in foreign lands.

She can tell you stories about the strange and exotic places she had been. The best one is about the time her father was offered 20 camels as a dowry for her hand in marriage on one business trip.

Unless she is engaged to some Arabic speaking fella, she won't study Arabic beyond first year. And she will avoid dating Egyptians because her mom's purse was stolen in Cairo. Favorite Arabic word: “Lufthansa"

[Tarboush Tip Carlos]