Joaquin Phoenix: The Al-Qaeda of Hollywood

I hope he does not kick my ass for writing this.

There are several signs that Hollywood stud Joaquin Phoenix is either an actual member of Al Qaeda or is the group's analogue in Hollywood. Trust me. I know. I'm Arab.

• Joaquin Phoenix has been as angry as hell lately. And so has Al Qaeda.

• The beard.

• He resorts to violence against his opposition.

• His Letterman appearance was full of hidden codes to sleeper cells because there is no other explanation for its incoherence (he might as well have been speaking Arabic).

• Joaquin Phoenix's character in "Signs" fights invaders from outer space. In the film, he wears tin foil on his head -- one of the precautions suggested by the Department of Homeland Security in the case of a terrorist "dirty bomb" attack (other suggestions included buying loads of duct tape).

• The movie "Gladiator," Commodus, his character uses dirty and manipulative tricks to win the fight against Maximus. He was a villain, "an ambitious, insecure and ruthless young man." Just like OBL.

• In "Ladder 49," Joaquin Phoenix was a firefighter. Firefighters became heroes after 9/11. Al Qaeda thought the hijackers were heroes. Firefighters = hijackers. Duh!

• He, like Jose Padilla, is Puerto Rican.

I rest my case.