13, 14, or 17 Arab Girls Not to Date

Warning: A male wrote this.

I wrote this post because it sounded like a good idea at the time. God bless Arab girls! I love them, I’m attracted to them, I’ve never been attracted to anyone other than them (the Croatian babe in my Book of Mormon class doesn’t count) and there are plenty of smart, accomplished and purpose-driven Arab females who rock. This list is not about them. Also, I do not mean to demean all women with such a list, just as my post on the 13 Arab Men to never date was not a attack against men. Even I know that the two highest IQ’s ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women.

Here, I’m talking about the minority, the Arab women that you need to avoid like shawarma in Cairo. This took some time to put together after many requests, and I apologize for that—I had to get engaged before I could safely publish this list.

Here is my list:

1. Amal: the Stalker Magnet
Most girls like to talk with passion about things they like. For Amal, bringing up their stalkers is apparently one of them. It's all they seem to talk about. The stories are all the same: some random dude who stalks them wherever they go finally warns them he cannot live without them. It is true that some of our people back in the old country still consider stalking romantic. While stalkers are creepy and frightening, stories about them just get annoying. First, stalkers do not make you look like you’re in demand. Granted, there are crazy men out there who do stupid and scary things, but I personally don’t enjoy hearing about them—especially from you. I can’t help but wonder when this guy will show up next, because I really don’t want to be around. But on the other hand, meeting this guy will get my man juice going so I can beat him up. Of course you will get mad and stop me because if I did, you might have to wait a while until a new stalker gives you more to talk about. Amal is not secure, which is why she tells these tales of obsession. How to spot Amal: her profile on Facebook lists her relationship status as “Complicated.” Fun Fact: Amal means hope, which the stalkers take as a sign she likes them.

Dream Job: Writing for People Magazine.
Buzz words: “Wacko,” “Nut Job,” “Police,” and “Caller ID”
Favorite Movie: “Enough”

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2. Jolly Green Nada
Dating a girl that knows her sport teams is a plus and being with someone who has an NCAA tournament bracket during March Madness is divine -- except that her's wins the pool. Plus, any person who can block your basketball shot is a threat, and it’s something more than a threat if that person is a female. I don’t care how cool and progressive or how stupid and backward you really are…it doesn’t matter. If she can block your shot, that means she is most likely taller or more athletic than you are, end of story. So unless you are planning to give the world the next Shaquille O’Neil, this is not the one to mate with. Nada likes the outdoors and that where you should keep her. You know the second or third question your mom will ask is: “How tall is she?” In short, height matters. Unless you are high or Nordic I don't think you should mess with Jolly Green Nada. People don’t notice your date’s degree or faith, but they surely know an awkward couple when they see one. Also, be advised that Nada has brothers who are taller than you and can kick the hell out of you as need be. Nada in Spanish means nothing and that’s how you’ll feel your worth on the basketball court when she shows up—just remember: keep your self-esteem intact.

Dream Job: ESPN Sport Commentator.
Buzz words: “Trash Talk,” “Hoops,” “You Just Got Owned,” and “Who’s you Mama?”
Favorite Film: “Stick it”

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3. Mona: The Angelina Jolie Hater
Gentlemen, we have been predisposed to fall in love with Angelina; we are helpless against it. For whatever reason, men think that Angelina Julie is the perfect woman. She has more kids than an average Palestinian woman, she’s attractive, she's progressive, and she occasionally blows things up on screen (Arabs can relate). Whenever there’s a war, the UN sends her to clean up: she’s been to Lebanon, the Sudan and Gaza, and she's not in Israeli intelligence. She has more money than your entire tribe and of course, there are those gorgeous lips. Hating on Angelina is a phenomenon linked to the unofficial rule of women; hate is only saved for the likes of Angelina Jolie and Adriana Lima. They also have to claim that all their friends are cute, even if they’re not in the same galaxy of good looks. Beauty for them is entirely subjective, and they have no shame in shamelessly hating this goddess. The last thing you need is a woman that wants to take all these things away from you and speak ill of the woman we love. Odds are she’s jealous or simply a trash talker, and you can’t afford to have either one. If the right to enjoy Angelina Jolie movies without being judged or labeled as a pervert were in international law, Mona would be like Israel. To her credit, Mona is accomplished at working jobs that men traditionally monopolized: Accounting, Finance and Engineering. She wishes that for once, men would value her math skills as much as we drool for Jolie—forget it girl, it’s not gonna happen.

Dream Job: MBA Executive who can stick it to men and tell them grow up.
Buzz words: “Overrated,” “Obsession,” and “Bimbo”
Favorite Show: “Ugly Betty” and "Catch Me If You Can"

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4. Rand: Daddy’s Little Girl
Our gal here is very well-educated because she kept going to school and more school. No one pursues her because she has too much going for her. In that way she’s like the Great State of Ohio—you never go there, you only drive through. One of those things is her dad’s last name ending in M.D. or FCCP and in order to be with Rand, daddy has to approve of you—a simple credit check just won’t do anymore. Since is too good for any guy and no guy is good enough for her because she wants Daddy 2. She is like most women looking for a smart, funny, and attractive guy just like her father. She’s genetically out of your league. She had a credit card in kindergarten, and you didn't even know your name. She had a cell phone the size of a brick (back when no one had even heard of cell phones), and you dropped bricks in your pants on the regular. She had it all despite the fact that her dad came to this country with only a pair of shoes and a sock over his balls. No car was ever good enough, no house was ever large enough and by the same measure no man will ever be good enough. If you’re like most men, you seek peace of mind in a partner—but her dad will give you a piece of his every time you visit, or god forbid, they do. It’s hard to feel like a man around Rand because she will always offer to pick up the tab at the very fancy restaurant she suggested and then chose. She’s cool to date while in college (sugar mama), but you will never get her because the truth is, you’re broke as hell because it took you seven years to get a bachelor's in linguistics. Remember: she likes you for your potential not for who you are and she’ll end up marrying her dad’s attorney or a Harvard-trained Radiologist finishing his residency.

Dream Job: Donating money to charities.
Buzz words: “Latte,” “BEBE,” and “Gourmet”
Favorite Movie: a toss up between “Mary Antoinette” and "Legally Blonde"


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5. Noor: Daughter of the Card Carrying Member
Noor comes from a Muslim family where her father has great ties with various segments of the local chapter of the ummah. He takes the lead and organizes the community, which is all fine and dandy until he decides to raise money for Muslim causes. The card he carries ain't exactly a Costco card, so this is a risky business. Noor is not as committed but is the acorn that's not too far from the tree. And this tree has a beard: it's not the guitar-playing coffee shop hippy kind either. Noor is very very very innocent: the first and last guy she saw naked was a “Ken” doll until the family stoned it. Odds are she has caller ID that screens out private phone numbers. If you decide to do this, make sure you don’t have any outstanding or unpaid taxes, parking tickets, or apply for jobs that require a rigorous background check. To her credit, Noor has perhaps the best personality among all girls listed here and has more than 500 friends on Facebook.

Dream Job: starting a civil rights organization or writing a halal romance novel about a couple who met online.
Buzz words: “Irhab,” “Fundraiser,” and “Daniel Pipes”
Favorite Movie: “Traitor”

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6. Bake-a-ton Hanna
As a little girl, Hanna used to spend her time in the kitchen with her mom baking and cooking. The only think she remembered was when her mom said: “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!” Hanna focuses more on getting a live man's heart than on actually cooking decently. And her mom's advice is wrong: their stomachs are the fastest route to men's hearts only when they're munching on chicken wings at Hooters. Hanna thinks however that to get men, she has to cook so she organizes constant dinners. She showers male targets with food, and especially loves to brag about her baking. Please Hanna, don’t bake me any cookies or pies, because to be honest with you, the ones at McDonald’s are good enough for me and I only have to pay $1 for those goodies. Dealing with you is much more expensive. Please don’t think about hooking it up with some baklava either: the nuts add a number of ornaments to my face. That will make other women less attracted to me, which means I will end up dating you. One wonders if that is her strategy. Usually baking is compensating for something: usually it’s a lack of culinary skills or average looks.

Dream Job: Teaching elementary school.
Buzz words: “Non-stick,” “preheat,” and “measuring cups”
Favorite Move: “Brown Sugar” and "No Reservation"

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7. Reem: The other Abdul Karim
Here’s a good looking girl who comes from a good family where she was brought up with good values. But her parents lead her to believe that they would love her unconditionally even if she wasn’t the same religion as them. So she took the opportunity to flirt with other gods. One thing led to the next, and now she is a yoga master out to save the environment while worshipping trees and witches. Her SUV is stockpiled with books about kabbalah, buddhism, and something about kama sutra. She was a goofy sufi for a while, which was okay, but know she praises gods when she sees you. Eventually Reem will lose faith in men and explore the forbidden love of the female-on-female. While I would love to witness it, I would never date her, before, during or after her any of her conversions.

Dream Job: Working for YMCA
Buzz words: “Sacrifice,” “Get Along,” and “Vulnerable”
Favorite Movie: “Religulous”

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8. “Fly Me To Mecca” Afaf
Otherwise known as the wireless handshake and the queen of the Wi-Fi hugs, Afaf will look at your feet when talking. She was raised by a minimum wage, single-parent family with minimum political tendencies. For whatever transformational reason, she decided to become all religious. All of sudden she is getting spiritual and making you feel bad for bad things you used to enjoy together. She became less fun and more into other things beyond this world, the doom-and-gloom that makes you want to keep your contact virtual. This religious attribute allows the other females to sympathize with her and not to be intimidated by her in the least -- she is immune from cattiness. I think that women can never go wrong with the amount of skin they show, but we both know that there are ugly people who need to cover up; she is not one of them. Hence, she is all covered up. And she is the poster child for why angry people get more attention than the positive ones. The death of a family member, failure to pass an exam, or a botched relationship can drive a woman to spirituality. That’s fine as long as this transformation doesn’t happen when you're around and having some great times. So, if your lady gets testy if your eyes don’t remain perfectly straight when a looker passes by, bail out quick. Afaf’s transformational faith is similar to “Transformational Diplomacy,” in which a stable country is transformed into a failed state soaked in blood, death and tragedy, but in this case the subject of the transformation is men. Despite the fact that Arabs know about discrimination, Afaf knows discrimination from both ways. A prominent trademark is to have a picture of toddler or some sort of funny cartoon or flag on her Facebook profile.

Dream Job: Hajj tour guide
Buzz words: “The Prophet,” “Spirituality,” and “Halal”
Favorite Movie: “The Message”

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9. Azeeza the Hijabougie
If you’re unlucky and have fallen in love with Azeeza, you can get her to like the things you like. The difference between Afaf and Zuzu is a technical one; the former is both religious and spiritual, the latter is socially religious and vaguely spiritual, and dresses to kill, always. As a start, Azeeza has loved fashion since she was a little girl and her favorite show is America’s Next Top Model. She hails from Dearborn, Chicago, or Brooklyn (Albany, post-9/11). She is a first generation American and has a graduate-level degree from a college that isn’t known more than 40 miles away from her home. She is ambitious and a go-getter, she never accepts the status quo, even with her strict dress code and she’s hot! And a little head cover’s not going to hide that or her curves or her high fashion label. She dresses better than Hamid Karzai and walks around like a model on a runway. Azeeza is hoping that her fashion will compensate for all her modesty in dress. She only wears the best. If you ask her to name what brands she likes, she'll sound like she's ordering food at an Italian restaurant. As a guy, I am confused by how to approach the Hijabougie types. I can never muster the courage to compliment her looks without coming cross as a schmuck who doesn’t give privacy to those who clearly ask for it. We are all biased and judge this group in different standard, and that’s the problem of dating or “hanging out” with Zuzu. It remains unclear what cultural frame of reference we should use, but again they don’t date or at least don’t call it dating, but you will be amazed to learn that they get more dates in a week than you get in Ramadan. The Hijabougie’s musical tastes are so narrow that they can only accommodate Usher, Justin Timberlake and a hint of John Legend.

Dream Job: Beauty Consultant at Mary Kay Cosmetics
Buzz words: “Gucci,” “Modest,” and “Feminism”
Favorite Movie: “Kingdom of Heaven”

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10. French Connection Nadia
Speaking a foreign language is a wonderful thing, but her wishing she was born French makes me want to throw up. Arab girls coming from part of the greater Arab Maghreb, Lebanon, and Syria are so in love with the language they French kiss the air when they speak. Yes, French sounds sexy, but she butchers it when she tries to out-French the French. Get over it, you know the French will most likely reject you if you decided to make France your home because you will never be French enough—Asshole enough, that is. You could score fifty goals to get them four world cups in a row and they'll still despise you. You can make the best croissant in the world and they'll still think you're a barbarian. Ask the millions of second and third generation immigrants in the pockets of France and see what they tell you. The most frustrating thing about Nadia is that her mom's grape leaves are the best, yet she drags you to local French bakeries where they serve a piece of toast, a sliced tomato and a cracked egg for the price of what it takes to build a hospital in Darfur. Here is what it all boils down to: some Americans don’t take kindly towards Arabs, but we both sure as hell don’t like the French! (Oh, don’t you worry the French will not run out of people to be hated by). I don’t mind seeing this girl at the Trader Joe’s wine aisle even if she whines about the selecion, but date her -- no way Pepe.

Dream Job: Francophile
Buzz Words: “Merci,” “Comme ci comme ca” and “Crepes”
Favorite Movie: Any French film, especially the ones that make no freaking sense (most of them).

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11. Hala: Your Mom’s Lobbyist
A graduate of the “Get it done Academy,” you need this girl like a Saudi needs a heater in July. Her IQ is a bit on the lower scale, but only because she sped through the waste-of-time test. She has her entire life planned out for her, until she realizes that the little thing called the biological clock is ticking. She hangs out with your mom, shops at her favorite store, pretends to like the things your mom likes, including teasing the little ones she sees running in the mall. She knows that you are such a mama’s boy and can never say no to your mom, but she also knows that you’re not going to marry her on your own. She thinks she is a character in "Sex in the City,: even though she's a virgin. Some may argue that the mom lobbyist is too good to be with anyone, but she doesn't feel that way. She's dying to get married. Be cautious, she may kill too. If you don’t end up marrying her, then she’ll transform herself into a Green Card Generator by marrying most of the kids in her village in the old country. Her size varies from either slightly obese to mildly chunky, but she's never in between. More often she’s fluent in Arabic and makes the pilgrimage back home at least once a summer—where she brings back all those spices that your mother uses to make Miskhan plus gifts for everyone she knows. Hala likes the sporty look and anything that make her look younger—a mechanism woman developed to respond to men’s obsession with youth. Speaking of which, you cannot guess her age and you would be dumb to risk it (if you must, go low).

Dream Job: Housewife
Buzz words: “Pants,” “Commitment,” and “Naseeb”
Favorite Movie; “How to lose a guy in 10 days”

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12. Rehab-inducing Rihab
As a young woman, she grew up with many brothers at home who really liked her and treated her like a buddy. Her brothers were major league screw ups who had too many fumbles in life—including failed relationships. Rihab was there to save her brothers and make them feel good, a much-needed boost of sorts. Her brothers (the losers) seemed to appreciate that about her. But in the process, she became the therapist for everyone else. Like most therapists, she became a little crazy herself. Now, she wants to reform some lives and you're her next project, whether you need it or not. Rabab never shops for a man; she hunts for clients. She calls you when you’re on the rebound getting over a bitter relationship, when you get fired, or your team loses in the first round of the playoffs. On appearance, she is a reincarnation of your caring mother figure, but in sexier shoes. However, Rihab needs your problems so she can feel secure. Denying her help will set her off. And, if she does help and you no longer need her help, she will get pissed and accuse you of shutting her out. Tip: invent problems to keep her busy and consider charging her for her services.

Dream job: High school counselor
Buzz Words: “Turnaround,” “Oprah,” and “Upgrade”
Favorite movie: “Sweet November”

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13. Children factory Jinan
We all love kids -- until we have them and they start crying all the damn time. Jinan loves them too, and she wants to out breed Palestinian rabbits. Born to give birth and to be a mother, she does not want much beyond that. When she wanted you, it is because you would be a good father and maybe fix things around the house. You're her sperm-producing appliance and that's all (sounds better than it is). She only wants your tahini in her hummus so she can have a baby to take pictures of in 9 months. Since Jinan didn’t manage to enjoy the beautiful things in life, she wants to overpopulate the world and usher its demise. That’s where you—the man comes into the picture. I mean, she could try artificial insemination, but OctoMom Nadia Sulaiman had to go and ruin it for everybody. Jinan is easy to spot: her sizing up every man she sees gives it away. You will catch her staring at your face for a long time, thinking this to herself “Will babies with that face look cute?” Obviously, you feel sexified thinking that she thinks you are cute so you muster the courage and go talk to her hot friend. Jinan’s initial rise to motherhood from one baby shower to the next can only be described as evil genius. Jinan is never more than three steps from a jar of Hershey’s kisses, an essential part of her diet. The moment she signs, seals and delivers two of your babies she will realize how big of a loser you are and dump your ass. Alimony is the name of the game; “Divorced” will soon be your status on Facebook. It’s obvious that Jinan’s destiny has “Homemaker” written all over it. As all mothers say: raising children is a full-time job. But since she has many people in her life, she has too many social events to attend; I’d like to see Jinan work at a Hallmark, where she can write creative and fun greeting cards. Jinan is the kind of person that has her picture as a toddler on her Facebook profile in addition to having fifty pictures of her brothers’ new born babies who all look like little sea monkeys.

Buzz words: “Cute,” “Diapers,” and “Babysitting”
Favorite Movie: “Cheaper by the Dozen”

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14. Bipolar Mai
Sometimes a man’s judgment can be clouded, but not when it comes to not dating Mai. Bipolar Mai is the one reason I fear walking behind girls at night. First, they have one eye on me and the other on her pepper spray bottle. The other is that if one farts, my naive world will be shattered. Mai is one tough nut to crack: bipolar Mai is sweet and passionate until she switches personalities without warning, and then starts cracking your nuts. Bipolar Mai can go from warm and cuddily to pissed off and lethal at the drop of an F-bomb. There is nothing you can do to stop her from unleashing her inner-Godzilla. Men use the “Cranberry Juice” time of the month excuse to understand this bipolar behavior. But this is not entirely accurate, because this happens five times a month—in a good month. So you know you are in for a ride and not the ride you fancy. Most females and living creatures are intimidated by Mai. If you decide to date Mai, make sure there are no sharp objects in sight and avoid seeing her on nights with a full moon. She usually comes accompanied by a user-friendly manual—ask her mom or ex for that one. Mai is not the type that forgives and forgets, so mind what you say. Unless you don’t like the way your nose fits on your face, give her an honest answer when she asks: “How do I look?” Mai enjoys reading religious texts and books about serial killers. She plays the “I’m so sorry” card extremely well, publicly apologizing for her unwarranted mood swings and especially after kicking your ass in front of your friends. Due to the emotional instability, our girl has been on more dates that the number of times Warren Jeffs has been married. The upside of this relationship is that her parents will always love you and appreciate what you are going through—they will always be on your side. For Bipolar Mai, a career is hard to secure, unless she can claim some sort of disability and thus protect herself from being fired. Hey! Hollywood is now hiring; they need people who can play conflicted characters. If all else fails in bringing Mai to peace, I recommend a restraining order.

Buzz words: “Rage,” “Peace,” and “Rollercoaster”
Favorite Movie: “Batman Begins”

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15. Laila: The African Dance Instructor
Being an Arab in America often makes one feel eccentric, but being an Arab who is an African dance instructor is just flat out insane. She usually has no siblings, which makes her a natural loner and that’s how the rest of her life will go. Catch phrase: “Yoga is for Lesbians” and she usually has a lifetime supply of fair trade Rwandan coffee. She also volunteers to every one willing to hear how she voted for President Obama not because of his African heritage, but because of his "positive energy." You seem to enjoy each other’s company, and you’re glad you spend so much time together until she starts talking about her African dance class. And you're not sure why. Dating this woman will quickly drive you to your inevitable death. The doctors will tell your loved ones your stroke was caused by too many WTF moments. Laila can't make a decision, not even if her own life depended on it, because it’s hard to say if she is going forwards, backwards or shaking her junk for the fun of it. She used to be in salsa class until she realized it was her and all white people. She mastered it in a few classes anyways. And her belly dance class didn't last long. She was teaching "Mariam", the instructor, new moves the first day. So she's stubborn and sexy, and will dance with other dudes at tha club because you learned how to dance from your uncles at weddings. Moving side-to-side and clapping off-beat is not dancing.

Dream job: Head Choreographer for the World Cup 2010 in South Africa, but in order to be able to do that, she starts doing photography portraits.
Buzz Words: “Obama,” “Aid,” and “Racist”
Favorite Movie: “The Gods Must be Crazy”

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16. Norma: Geeky Going on Crazy
Her iPhone might be attacked to her hand. She e-mails you back faster than rednecks in Wal-Mart racing towards Christmas deals. We all love smart women who know their stuff, and I think it is sexy. What's unsexy is someone who constantly go out of their way to make you feel a worthless ignorant cave man. Meet Norma, she owns a Mac computer, while other kids were watching cartoons she was fixing the garage door after she borrowed some pieces to build a model airplane. She designed her girl scout troop's website. She has seen every movie ever been made, she has read the books as well, and she makes sure to let you know that "the book was way much better" and pulls out her Kindle to show you. For good reasons, Norma does not have many girlfriends because she does not really care about fashion, so most her friends are males who either come from India or Korea. She only loves gadgets. She spends all her money on them. Norma is a good person to have in your life for when the bug you downloaded along with the porn forces your computer to crash. Keep her as tech support only. You will always be reminded how dumb or what a technological laggard you are. Make friends with Norma, but do not ever trust her taste in music or cuisine even if the online ratings she shows you on her laptop-phone were great.

Dream job: A movie adviser for the "Star Trek" Movie franchise.
Buzz Words: “Time Machine,” “Nerd,” and “Wired”
Favorite Movie: “Back to the Future”

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17. Lina, the Ghetto Drunk.
When you fight with Lina, make sure she has not been drinking or she will cut you. Sure, she was raised in the suburbs, but her command of ebonics and stocky figure give her mad street cred. She will end your life, you always think. In high school, she actually knocked a girl out. And at the club, she's the first to get into one of those scratching, hair-pulling catfights, even when she's in high heels. She loved to box her brothers, and used to box her parents. So she thinks love =hitting. Add the liquor she loves into it, and you're asking for a trouble cocktail.

Dream job: Bouncer
Buzz Words: “You're my bitch" "Unghhh" "Screwdriver"
Favorite Movie: “Million Dollar Baby”

[Tarboush Tip Lyndsay, Carlos, Andrea, Yousef, Meriana, Will, Abed, Shereen]