Thursday, April 23, 2009

10 Random Places to meet your Arab Heartthrob

So, Latinos meet new people on the Salsa dance floor, African Americans mingle and have a good time watching Stand-up Comedians, Indians go to the Punjabi buffet to laugh and meet new faces, Asians are all over Facebook, White people have their bookstores and coffee shops . . . enough with the stereotypes already! Where do Arabs go for meeting new people?

In attempting to find an answer to this perplexing question, here's my list of ten under-appreciated places to go from meeting to greeting and finally onto breeding. Enjoy!

1. Palestine/Lebanon Fundraisers
I call them the eHarmony of the community. This is the one place to meet sophisticated, caring, compassionate and wealthy folks in the community. Making a donation is a sure way to impress your future ex. They usually have entertainment at these events, but avoid unintentionally entertaining those in attendance with any exotic behavior. Others make a show of it, but make sure everyone sees that you tried to give discreetly and act shy . . . or you're screwed (a good problem to have, for some). Please do not get carried away and feel obligated to share your various conspiracy theories, people attending such events are open minded, not stupid. The burden is still on you to come up with a good pick up line while taking your sweet time making out your donation check.

2. Peace Vigils
I hate to say it but our community loves to offer support to those in need and sadly, it often comes too late. It's a great venue to run into a mixed crowd of dedicated people in the community, in other words, the salt of the earth: those folks who get down in the trenches and get things done. Attendees of peace vigils are either very liberal or they're very religious and in case you didn't know, peace vigils also have a proportionally larger number of women in attendance, so know your audience and dress to impress! If you decide to show up, wear a bowtie, because only real men wear bowties. Smokers are encouraged to come . . . just remember to bring your matches.

3. Memorial Services for Community Leaders
C’mon! You know if you died tomorrow, they will definitely be there. Death is a sad occasion, but you can't let it kill your social buzz. Various segments of the Arab American community, young and old, will rush to attend a memorial services for one of our community heroes. The trick is to be emotional, but in control: you can't be too depressed. Be sad, but don't over do it. Make sure that you know the deceased’s name and issues that mattered to him/her. If you plan to ask someone out or send the signal that you are interested, be efficient and under the casket. Dress to kill my friend, Dammit.

4. Sexified Hookah Lounges
Not my scene, but a great hotspot to meet the ladies and the lads of the community. People there are fun-loving and they love life. They care about issues of importance to the community, but not as much as they care about the positioning of the coal on top of the hookah. Wear a light classy shirt that won’t show your sweat or your chest hair; it is a dark place, but she is not blind. Some hookah lounges offer free drinks for ladies with nuts so creeps like you don't scare them away. Remember, that the one thing that gives those Right-wingers a run for their money, is Arabs making more babies. Do your part . . . Stand and Deliver!

5. Demonstrations and Rallies
Our people never run out of issues to protest and ways to stick it to the man (or vice versa in your case. Hey, we are not judging you!). Besides, it’s a chance to showcase your anger and give morons like Hannity things to talk about. Dress casually, wear a cool hat that says something that makes you seem dedicated and informed. Make sure to take an extra bottle of water, the one item that will break the ice with your prospective future wife. Since you will be shouting your lungs out, bring along your favorite Orbit gum as an accessory. And remember: As with streaking . . . don't forget the cool shoes.

6. ADC Convention
Also known as the American-Arab Dating Committee, I have been a regular patron of the ADC conventions for some years now and if you are not interested in doing that, you need to start. The stories your cousins tell you about the ADC convention are true, but just like in Vegas: What happens at the ADC convention stays at the ADC convention. The cool thing about the convention is that it caters to various segments of the community, so you will definitely find your match. If you’re into the intellectual types, you can bet your dinars (or your pounds, dirhams, rials . . . it don't matter what money you have!) they'll be there; if you seek financial security, there are more than enough single MDs than you care to count; if you are not too hot on the Arab thing, no sweat: there are plenty of white boys and coconuts to keep you happy (Remember: Coconuts are brown on the outside and white in the middle). Ladies at the banquet: if you get any hotter, Al Gore might sue ADC. Guys: if you get any fatter at the midnight party, ADC might have to pay to replace the dance floor. Make sure to ask for the Abed special to ensure an expatiated treatment that will get you through the red ropes by Abed Ayoub--ADC's grassroots engineer and your friendly Red Bull infused party beast.

7. Your Cousin’s Wedding
This is perhaps the most obvious one, keeping in mind the term cousin is used loosely here. If there's one thing you already know: it's that your mom is already surveying the field on your behalf. What a great audition for your future mate! You can see how they move on the dance floor, you can observe how they handle kicking and screaming kids, you can test their buffet and table manners, you can see which forks he/she uses . . . etc. This is perhaps the most traditional way of finding a date and more often than not, a spouse. So stick to basics: wear comfortable shoes and get ready to dress down (or up) as the occasion warrants. Bros, ditch the feminine look; it's sooooo 1998. Ladies, easy on the fragrance; it can get messy. While it's true that artificial intelligence exits, natural stupidity also exists.

8. Arab Film Festivals
You find them everywhere almost as much as you spot foreclosed homes: Chicago, Boston, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Sacramento, DC (even Cleveland got its own Arab film festival now). It seems that there are more movies about Palestine than there are Palestinians. This is where you meet the cream of the crop of the Arab American community: the college preppy, the activist with the cool hair, the good-looking half-Lebanese, half-Palestinian bachelor and of course it’s not an Arab American function without the weird-looking guy who claims to be a writer for some publication. Denim says you are in, a blazer says you are legit, matching shoes and belt say you are available. Survival tip: bring a publication with you to read as you wait for the film to start, serving three purposes: #1) to show that you are an intellectual #2) to show that like a Boy Scout, you're always prepared and #3) that you are indeed a grownup. Film Festivals are about as popular with the ladies as curvy jeans are.

9. Places of Worship
Mosques and Arab Churches serve more than one purpose: they recharge your spiritual batteries and occasionally facilitate your future romances. Some Masjids offer retreats for bachelors to go and to participate in outdoors activities (under the imam’s supervision, of course) and help young souls (and old ones) get hitched. But no one plans a breezy social gathering like an Arab Church, which can pull it off masterfully. From banquets, to speaking engagements, to weddings, to memorial services, you can always find adventure in the oddest places. It’s good for business if you met your spouse through a place of worship; chances are you will contribute generously to that place in the future.

10. Pro Israel Rallies
Easy on the gun there, Jimmie! People at those rallies have screwed millions of Palestinians and they wouldn’t say no to one more. At those rallies, your presence will be embraced and celebrated to make the racist around you look good. In the words of Dean Obeidallah who jokes about dating Jewish girls, “I will occupy her territory.” Dress in blue and hide your hair color because you will be the only person with dark hair. Words of wisdom: those are God’s chosen people and you are not for a reason. But hey, they stole you food, your land, your scarves . . . the least you can do is to steal yourself a hottie. Way to stick it to the Israelis, Kareem!

11. Removed for Censorship Reasons

[Tarboush Tip: Lyndsay, Nick, Carlos]


Mary on April 28, 2009 at 10:48 AM said...

Well, well ..that is a wounderfull advice for those who wants to meet any one for eharmony or for what ever they want to do, like marraige, past time or may only for hanky panky if they only want to have a good time. By the way, why did you put your brother's picture is he looking for a wife or what.

Mary on April 28, 2009 at 3:42 PM said...

I forgot, I want to thank you for mentioning ADC in your Blog., we might have lot of people comeing to the Convention, specialy men, for us weman we might find a nice man we like to be-friend, just for fun.



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